I Shoud Have Predicted This

A few months ago my way beautiful and super generous and ultra cool and way fantastic friend Riki got me a fun writing gig through a magazine she used to work for, a lifestyle magazine based in Coral Springs, Fl. The gig was writing the magazine's horoscopes!

Now as a freelance writer I pretty much take any job I can get. With that attitude I have written some interesting articles, from theatre pieces for PerformInk to an article on ergonomics for the certified medical professional community.... oh such big words! Did I sound smart!!???

Well you can imagine my surprise and delight when Riki asked me to do the mag's horoscopes, with the exception that my first set of scopes, while I'd be paid and they'd be published, it would be considered a trial for the editor-in-chief...so I sent off my first set of scopes and heard back that the editor was laughing her ass off and it was 'exactly' what she wanted! So it seemed official, for the minute, I was Xena Torchwood, horoscope writer. Okay I chose a pen name because I didn't want people googling me for my astrological credentials! The pen name itself is another story....

ANYWAY bla bla bla my point, after two months, and after Riki had left the magazine I was let go as the horoscope girl.
I never saw it coming. Weird, huh?

Well apparently the editor became concerned that my scopes were "too negative." Some Coral Springs' folks actually, supposedly, took the time to call the magazine and say they were upset by the negativity of the scopes...okay first off, people its astrology! Now I love astrology just as much as the next wiccan-freak-ouiji-board-player, but come-on, everyone knows that astrology is only true when the scope says something great or fabulous and so wrong when it strikes that inner-oh-my God is that true cord? Second, who calls a poorly edited (yes that was mean, but true, only after Riki left of course, seriously, very true) glossy, fashion mag to complain about horoscopes? Third, and a point of most importance, the scopes, though slightly negative were freakin' funny, and finally in conjunction with point three, negativity is SO underrated!!!!

I love my scopes...so I present, to you, the only two I got to write. One for the month of September, the other for the month of October, and hey if any of you like them I will write some special ones just for my blog next month! Yay!

Enjoy....PS to JW only, I love you.



SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood


ARIES 21 MAR-20 APR

Stop with the bread, pies and yes, even the store-bought confections—baking is not your strong suit. While you are quite the go-getter you need to be aware of failure and move on. Try getting some friends. Enlighten them with your witty banter and non-stop storytelling. You will be surprised what having an audience will do for your ego, not to mention your psyche.


TAURUS 21 APR-20 MAY

It’s time to wise up; changing your bedroom walls to a more appealing color won’t kill you. Yes in a sick way you have become attached to it, but once you get started you will be okay. Just think of the doors you could open? Once you change the color, the next step could be chucking the boyfriend and bettering your love life! YIKES, now breathe.


GEMINI 21 MAY-20 JUN

Please stop talking to the strangers at the coffee shop. They don’t appreciate your insights; you are not only boring them, you are frightening them. Instead reflect inwardly, and maybe do something with your upper arms. Have you thought of a new tattoo, representative of course of your intellectual insights and worldly knowledge?


CANCER 21 JUN- 20 JUL

Go ahead, express your love for the metallic jumpsuit seducing you from the storefront window. No one will make fun of you, okay maybe just a tad, but that will make you stronger. And ultimately you will be ready to admit deeper feelings, like your love of reality TV and the fact that your best friend is getting a bit scared of your possessiveness.


LEO 21 JUL-21 AUG

It’s not always about you, while you can be quite endearing there is a limit to your narcissism that even your Mom can’t tolerate. Practice saying stuff like this: “how are you? What can I do for you? Can I please give you a back rub?” Say it with meaning and often. Don’t worry that you’ll go unnoticed, like any true Leo, your king-like stature will rear it’s ugly and yet oh so charming head.


VIRGO 22 AUG-22 SEP

You are not dying. You just have a cough. Okay now that you have a lozenge, know that all the vitamins you take and herbal remedies are warding off all ailments, but also your friends. Those pills are causing you to reek like last weeks leftovers. No worries, your friends can use the phone to obtain your amazing and philosophical advice.


LIBRA 23 SEP-22 OCT

It’s okay to wear white now, Memorial Day has long past and Labor Day is not yet upon us. You look stunning in white, but you know this already, don’t you? Even though that terry-cloth sweat suit does enhance your derriere, you evoke no shame. Bring it on as you revel in your successful purchase.


SCORPIO 23 OCT-22 NOV

Oh when will you learn? Spitefulness and vengeance does not look good on you. Instead use that energy in the bedroom, where we all know you are your absolute best anyway. Once satisfied consider taking up knitting instead of revenge, after all it is the new hip hobby and there are ‘naughty’ patterns sure to tantalize even you.


SAGITTARIUS 23 NOV-20 DEC

Stop with the pull-tabs already, it’s so not sexy. Yes you’re a lucky bird, but think of your image for once. Take another vacation, maybe hit up the Midwest’s biggest garage sale and use your luck in snagging a vintage tin can. Later you can hang with the locals and be your blunt self. They’re going to love you!


CAPRICORN 21 DEC-19 JAN

You need a savory, freshly brewed iced-tea. No, do not gulp it. Slow down, enjoy it! Reflect on your success and the people that helped you get there. Yes, you didn’t do it all by yourself. Your innate ambition was the driving force, but others did help you and it’s time to say thank you. Open up a little, you will not die of expressing an emotion.


AQUARIUS 20 JAN-18 FEB

Your dung sculpture of the dying calf is beautiful, so who cares if art critics scoff at you? You are so uniquely you and you love it! Yes you’ll have to spend a little extra time wiping off the spit of passersby, but it’s worth it. That sculpture isn’t just great art, it’s a representation of your convictions. Keep at it, head off to the farm, as your next inspiration in the way of chicken heads, is calling.

PISCES 19 FEB-20 MAR

Oh you poor, unfortunate soul. Or should I say souls? Pisces it’s time you listen to your strongest self and get your act together! No need to get all sappy and cry now. No don’t write another poem! Step up to the plate, get a job and for goodness sakes, stop wallowing in your sorrows at the local watering hole. People there don’t like you..


OCTOBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood

VIRGO
August 23-September 23
Pondering the opposite sex is fun, and for you it’s become a sport! While you are quite intuitive and usually dead-on in your theories there is one thing you’re forgetting, tese things don’t matter during a hot make-out session! It’s time to stop analyzing and just get out there! I suggest you start out slow, put the self-help books down, jump on online and consider cyber-sex (live interactions may be too much for you right now.)

LIBRA
September 24-Octover 23
Oh charming Libra you have so much going for you! Don’t waste all your magnetism on the television and your silly parakeet. It’s time to rekindle your artsy nature. Take a sketch class and chat up the nude model. If not for a possible date, then at least to explore your devious side; make the model feel uncomfortable, say you ‘expected more.’

SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
My goodness you are intense! And oh so hard on yourself. So you screwed up…again. Well know this, no one cares about your latest fashion faux-pas. If anything your attempt in pairing those green crushed velvet leggings with the Mary Janes, circa 1991 was a statement in bravado! Who else but you could get away with looking so fashionably horrid anyway?

SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
Yes you can shake those hips, and whoa that booty too! Your moves and tenacity to keep on is so inspiring. But remain tasteful (exasperated gasp;) and don’t forget about your sciatica. Your body actually can’t bend backwards. Once situated revel in pretending you are J Lo, let your inner wild child come out and dam the chuckles of your neighboring dancers, they’re just jealous.

CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
The other night, after cocktail 17, not only were you looking as good as you felt, but you sang beautifully. Everyone at the karaoke bar loved your rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart, even with your dramatic tantrum at the end. Your boss was quite impressed as well, she thought if you could master those sad moments of the songs then you’d be able to handle the chicken soup account.


AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
Hiding your emotions is fun! People think you’re strong, special, normal. Ha-ha, yes I know you feel scared inside. Open up a little Aquarius, it’s okay to like puppies. Accept the pooches and soon you will be able to talk to your parents, make genuine friends and no longer feel uncomfortable talking to your pharmacist. Wait, talking to your pharmacist will still be weird, after all your prescriptions are rather embarrassing.

PISCES
February 20-March 20
Sometimes I wonder why I even try to guide you Pisces. Deep within you are so well on your way. Only you know how to plant just the right amount of gardenias, not to mention get your money’s worth at the all-you-can-eat buffet. You’ve got in going on! If I could offer you one piece of guidance…don’t cry when the buffet runs out of creamed corned, it makes you look like a loser.

ARIES
March 21-April 20
Wow Aries, way to go! You helped an old lady lift a case of soda. How nice of you, sorry to say though you’re still on the Karma crap list. You will have to do way more good deeds to wipe your slate clean. You were so naughty! Oh well, at least you had fun. Next week your date is a bottle of gin and the mirror. Try not to fall too in love with yourself, look what happened to Dorian Gray.

TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Accepting lavish dinner and shiny baubles is so right up your alley! You always do deserve the best life has to offer! While it’s all fun, be prepared that some suitors will expect something in return. To solve this issue, for the third date, have them over for mac-n-cheese and viola you are off the hook! Oh try and treat them all at the same time, that way you’ll only have to cook once.

GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Whoa Gemini stop freaking people out. One minute you’re jovial, the next seething and strange. It’s cute to you and makes you giggle within, but the rest of us are curious if you may be a little off kilter. Chill and reflect on your comedic side and its effect on those around you. Think about banking on your oddities through a stand-up gig. But in interpersonal relationship, remain to be jovial.

CANCER
June 22-July 22
Breath. Everything will be okay just as long as you put the phone down and not leave your newest acquaintance yet another message! Sorry to say they aren’t as in love with you as you with them. Get a robot kit, the time to take in building it will be good for your psyche, and in the end you’ll have a new friend! Also, time to leave your apartment, I hear your landlord installed a beautiful new gazebo in the courtyard, fresh air will do you good.

LEO
July 23-August 22
Have you ever thought about the car business? Good you literally took that as in you and the car business. It would be a good fit, uh Leo? Your cunning, yet sweet-as-cherry-pie nature is too good to not be used in selling that new fashionable hot-rod. You are such a show-off Leo, who wouldn’t want to throw money at you? Now you just need to stop throwing around your money at those late-night bars you keep frequenting.