Mom's are cool

This is an article I wrote about Moms' zany advice...it was for a magazine in Florida. It was never published because the editor-in-chief hated it, but I liked it and so did the assignment editor! So here it is for your viewing pleasure!


Mom’s Advice
By Jolene

When I was a young girl I remember my mother was my own personal hair stylist. She brushed my hair, curled my bangs and gave me the much-dreaded yearly perm. Each time she hit a snarl or wound a permanent rod tight to my scalp I remember her loving advice, ‘beauty must suffer.’ And to this day, as I make another appointment for a brow or bikini wax, I remind myself beauty must suffer. The funny thing is although this advice stuck with me, my mom thinks I’m nuts for allowing scalding hot wax anywhere near my body. But the advice was embedded in me as truth. And this got me thinking, all moms have wacky advice, most of which they never think about when they are doling it out and yet children are impressionable. God only knows how many kids have actually tried to grow potatoes with the dirt they’ve scraped out from behind their ears. Think how literal Mom’s advice can be taken, and how long it stays with you.
Imagine this scene: it’s a busy emergency room, you’re rushed in for a freak accident, there’s a pointy stick lodged in your thigh. You’re screaming in pain, you’re about to pass out, but, luckily, you’re conscious just enough to make certain no one sees that, gulp, you’re wearing yesterday’s underwear! And to make matters worse, they’re not only dirty, but they’re from last season as well. Well if you’re found out, you’re never going to get medical attention now, but hey that’s okay because with your face stuck in such an ugly contorted position no doctor would really want to help you anyway.
Mom always did say, "don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position." Which, of course was then preceded with you trying to make this happen; I swear today I can some grotesquely impressive stunts with my eyes all because mom told me not to.
There goes mom with the appearance advice again. In research however I found that many moms have similar advice. One friend’s mom told her to never leave the house without putting lipstick on because you never know who you might see. Good thing, as I would hate to see my friend’s naked lips. I don’t think I’d recognize her with out her signature cherry blossom pout. Another mom told her son that he should always keep his nails clean and trim because women will look at his hands to make certain they are kept up. Today not only does he have perfectly pretty hands, but a plethora of girlfriends and a slight addiction to nail trimming tools as well. Of course moms all around wouldn’t think a thing about his obsessive nature towards manicures, they would be happy with his booming love life, because moms really just want you to find someone nice.
Or rich, as is the case of two other women I know. Both are in happy relationships, but had they listened to their moms they would be in love and loaded. I guess it’s not just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
Before love though, there’s the advice on pregnancy and birth control. When my friend Kristin left for college her mother gave her this piece of advice, “champagne will get you pregnant.” To this day poor Kristin is petrified of champagne, or anything clear and bubbly for that matter, put a lemony-lime soda in front of her and she’ll grab her abdomen and run screaming.
In listening to the stories people had about their mom’s advice, and how they were certain to follow it, I couldn’t help but want to poke fun. But then I remembered, if I don’t have anything nice to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all.