Where is everyone going? Today I saw people leaving their apartments with suitcases. Is everyone already going on spring break, or is Chi-town not the place to be right now? Aaah but I am stuck here in the freezing tundra...however it did rain today, another sign of spring? I do hope!
Well another year has gone by and we are onto 06. At the stroke of midnight January 1, 2006 I was counting money. A good sign? Let’s hope, because just a few hours thereafter I got an unexpected visit from Aunt Flo. Whatever does that mean? Oh sorry, I think I just TMI-ed you all! Whatever! Happy New Year! But sadly I am not feeling strong about 06. I feel strong about 07, not 06; this worries me. I think it’s just that I don’t like the number 6 and I love the number 7. I do get the weirdest notions stuck in my head…which leads me to another anecdote…
What is my New Year's Resolution, you wonder? Okay I don’t really do these things, but after being asked the resolution question one too many times I decided I should indeed make a resolution. So I decided 2006 is the year that I no longer pick up pennies and will not feel guilty about not doing so. For what seems like forever I have picked up random pennies on the sidewalk, in restaurants, even, gulp, in public restrooms! I have held onto the idea that ignoring a penny is disrespecting the government, disrespecting financial responsibility and, even disrespecting God… I have often found myself stopping in the middle of busy intersections to snatch up a penny, sticking my fingers in the muck of a Boystown sidewalk for the brassy coin and balancing shopping bags, my phone and purse all so I can feel like a good person and get that penny!
But this habit of mine, or actually obsession is gross, and unhealthy, physically and mentally, I think…so there you have it I am no longer going to be grasping for that loose penny! Wow it feels good just thinking about it.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
There is a place where time stands still...
"Raindrops hang motionless in air. Pendulums of clocks float mid-swing....As a traveler approaches this place from any direction, he moves more and more slowly..."
It is 1905 in Berne, Switzerland. A young patent clerk has been dreaming marvelous dreams about the nature of time. He is Albert Einstein and he has almost finished his special theory of relativity. What were his dreams like those last pivotal few months?
Here an evening of fables conjures up as many theoretical realms of time, dreamt in as many nights. In one world time is circular, its people fated to repeat triumph and trial over and over and over again...in another, men and women try to capture time-which appears as a nightingale-in a bell jar... in yet another, there is no time, only frozen moments. These worlds are Einstein's Dreams.
It is 1905 in Berne, Switzerland. A young patent clerk has been dreaming marvelous dreams about the nature of time. He is Albert Einstein and he has almost finished his special theory of relativity. What were his dreams like those last pivotal few months?
Here an evening of fables conjures up as many theoretical realms of time, dreamt in as many nights. In one world time is circular, its people fated to repeat triumph and trial over and over and over again...in another, men and women try to capture time-which appears as a nightingale-in a bell jar... in yet another, there is no time, only frozen moments. These worlds are Einstein's Dreams.
Friday, November 04, 2005
From PerformInk
PI ONLINE:
10-28-05
A Writer Dives into a New Challenge
BY JOLENE TURNER
On a crisp Saturday in October, four actors and four writers, all strangers to one another, gathered on Chicago’s West side for a frightening, yet exhilarating, new challenge: meet one another, get randomly paired up, take 35 minutes to create a monologue based on a line of literature, then perform it immediately thereafter.
This is “Monodogs of War: Literature 201,” the new monologue challenge created by n.u.f.a.n. Ensemble artistic director Paul Barile. The idea is, the writers do the writing, the actors do the acting, and the audience gets to watch cool improv shows and musical reviews while waiting for the writers and actors to reappear with a new piece of witty and dramatic theatre.
Barile began “Monodogs of War” for two reasons: as a networking opportunity for actors and writers to better understand one another’s processes; and to be a friendly competition between like-minded artists. The name derived from the second reason–‘mono’ was used because of the word monologue, and the rest of it, ‘dogs of war,’ to imply fierce battle.
Saturday’s performance was the second of its kind and I was asked to cover it for PerformInk. Before I even saw it coming, I was also participating in it as a Monodog writer, and an undercover PI reporter, with Barile the only one the wiser.
What Did I get Myself Into?
When I received the assignment I was game, but confused. “What exactly am I doing?” I asked Barile in an e-mail, I received a simple reply back: “Just bring yourself and be prepared to have fun.”
OK, gulp.
The day arrives and I am running late. Not good. “Monodogs” is held at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, where n.u.f.a.n.is the resident company. This lovely arts center is located in the old Nebo Lutheran Church at 5801 W. Dakin St. (near Irving and Central). The director of the center, Jennifer La Civita, is there to greet me and calm me down when I rush in a few minutes late. I peek inside at what was once the alter, and there is Barile talking to seven people. This is not what I expected. I presume not what Barile expected, either.
“The first show,” Barile tells me later, “we had a really good sized audience and improv troupes, tonight, though, is obviously a different story.”
Do I need to say it? White Sox. OK, seven people, I‘m still nervous and still clueless. Barile begins to give a run-down of what will happen. The actors will be called to draw a writer’s name. The writer will then draw a line of dialogue, which has to be used somewhere in the monologue. The two will exit together and create magic.
OK, I can do this! Magic? No biggie! The actor I am paired up with is a 20-something woman. Relief, I think! I can write for a 20-something woman. For the sake of keeping all identities private, I call her Lucy. I draw my line of dialogue: “I‘ve never been arrested. I‘ve been stopped, searched and had a gun put to my head by the Chicago cops.”—Tim Meadows.
OK, that quote is not very girly.
Time to Work! Um, I Mean Sweat
Barile says that the program, more important than the actual performance, is a chance for actors and playwrights to do some networking. While that is all well and nice, I want to write something good, and I have my game face on. Lucy and I go to an adjacent room. I begin the mad panic of writing while Lucy flips about on a tumble mat just a few feet away. We try and chitchat, but I am too tense to give her my attention. I realize I am letting my art become more important than making a new friend. I finish with just about 13 minutes left for Lucy to work with it and become the kleptomaniac character I have just created.
Times Up!
The 35-minute bell has rung and as we join the other group, Lucy says to me, “I‘m going to go a completely random angle with this and see what happens.” What? OK. Now Barile also says that the idea is the actor will perform the monologue and the writer will wring her hands of it and pray for the best. Is a racing heart similar to wringing my hands of it?
Lucy and I sit down in the pew and I thank God (pun intended) that this isn‘t a church anymore as my monologue is not God-friendly. The first actor performs and it is at that point that I get it. “Monodogs of War” really isn‘t about being the best. It is an opportunity to learn, support one another and be surrounded by some really great talent that is now so accessible. Lucy did a great job, and while her performance was not what I expected, it was a wake-up call that words have different meaning to different people.
Everyone’s work and willingness to try was impressive. We even got a second round! I felt all warm and mushy inside, until I was paired with a larger than life 6’ 4” male actor, completely opposite of myself. How do I write for him? I began to sweat all over again.
It’s a Wrap!
By the end of the night I had a list of questions ready to throw at Barile. One was: “Have you ever thought of bringing ‘Monodogs’ to the east side of town?’ The second after I wrote it, Barile said, “Thanks for coming and we will bring theatre to Chicago’s west side whether it kills me or not!” OK, scratch that question. But what does Barile mean by that?
“If you want to see good theatre you either go east or you go to Naperville,” Barille says, “and suburban theatre is just a different animal that we are not going to do.” Barile continues, “There is a ton of great theatre east of here and I don‘t want to compete with them. I want to support them, but people in this area are not as likely to go out east, so we are here for them.”
The only thing now is getting “Monodogs” off its feet. Like any new program, it may take time, but Barile is hopeful. And while it hasn‘t become much of a form of fierce competition, Barile is OK with that. “I‘m letting it become its own beast,” he says.
Barile also has a good attitude in regard to those that want to participate. “If you don‘t have the experience but you have the enthusiasm, I‘ll give you as shot, and if you succeed, I‘ll give you another shot.”
“Monodogs of War: Literature 201” will be performed again in February at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, 5801 W. Dakin St. Chicago (in the old Nebo Lutheran Church). Ticket price is $3 or 2-4-$5. To be a participating writer or actor, contact Paul Barile at 773/282-0344, or by e-mail, paulbarile@juno.com.
10-28-05
A Writer Dives into a New Challenge
BY JOLENE TURNER
On a crisp Saturday in October, four actors and four writers, all strangers to one another, gathered on Chicago’s West side for a frightening, yet exhilarating, new challenge: meet one another, get randomly paired up, take 35 minutes to create a monologue based on a line of literature, then perform it immediately thereafter.
This is “Monodogs of War: Literature 201,” the new monologue challenge created by n.u.f.a.n. Ensemble artistic director Paul Barile. The idea is, the writers do the writing, the actors do the acting, and the audience gets to watch cool improv shows and musical reviews while waiting for the writers and actors to reappear with a new piece of witty and dramatic theatre.
Barile began “Monodogs of War” for two reasons: as a networking opportunity for actors and writers to better understand one another’s processes; and to be a friendly competition between like-minded artists. The name derived from the second reason–‘mono’ was used because of the word monologue, and the rest of it, ‘dogs of war,’ to imply fierce battle.
Saturday’s performance was the second of its kind and I was asked to cover it for PerformInk. Before I even saw it coming, I was also participating in it as a Monodog writer, and an undercover PI reporter, with Barile the only one the wiser.
What Did I get Myself Into?
When I received the assignment I was game, but confused. “What exactly am I doing?” I asked Barile in an e-mail, I received a simple reply back: “Just bring yourself and be prepared to have fun.”
OK, gulp.
The day arrives and I am running late. Not good. “Monodogs” is held at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, where n.u.f.a.n.is the resident company. This lovely arts center is located in the old Nebo Lutheran Church at 5801 W. Dakin St. (near Irving and Central). The director of the center, Jennifer La Civita, is there to greet me and calm me down when I rush in a few minutes late. I peek inside at what was once the alter, and there is Barile talking to seven people. This is not what I expected. I presume not what Barile expected, either.
“The first show,” Barile tells me later, “we had a really good sized audience and improv troupes, tonight, though, is obviously a different story.”
Do I need to say it? White Sox. OK, seven people, I‘m still nervous and still clueless. Barile begins to give a run-down of what will happen. The actors will be called to draw a writer’s name. The writer will then draw a line of dialogue, which has to be used somewhere in the monologue. The two will exit together and create magic.
OK, I can do this! Magic? No biggie! The actor I am paired up with is a 20-something woman. Relief, I think! I can write for a 20-something woman. For the sake of keeping all identities private, I call her Lucy. I draw my line of dialogue: “I‘ve never been arrested. I‘ve been stopped, searched and had a gun put to my head by the Chicago cops.”—Tim Meadows.
OK, that quote is not very girly.
Time to Work! Um, I Mean Sweat
Barile says that the program, more important than the actual performance, is a chance for actors and playwrights to do some networking. While that is all well and nice, I want to write something good, and I have my game face on. Lucy and I go to an adjacent room. I begin the mad panic of writing while Lucy flips about on a tumble mat just a few feet away. We try and chitchat, but I am too tense to give her my attention. I realize I am letting my art become more important than making a new friend. I finish with just about 13 minutes left for Lucy to work with it and become the kleptomaniac character I have just created.
Times Up!
The 35-minute bell has rung and as we join the other group, Lucy says to me, “I‘m going to go a completely random angle with this and see what happens.” What? OK. Now Barile also says that the idea is the actor will perform the monologue and the writer will wring her hands of it and pray for the best. Is a racing heart similar to wringing my hands of it?
Lucy and I sit down in the pew and I thank God (pun intended) that this isn‘t a church anymore as my monologue is not God-friendly. The first actor performs and it is at that point that I get it. “Monodogs of War” really isn‘t about being the best. It is an opportunity to learn, support one another and be surrounded by some really great talent that is now so accessible. Lucy did a great job, and while her performance was not what I expected, it was a wake-up call that words have different meaning to different people.
Everyone’s work and willingness to try was impressive. We even got a second round! I felt all warm and mushy inside, until I was paired with a larger than life 6’ 4” male actor, completely opposite of myself. How do I write for him? I began to sweat all over again.
It’s a Wrap!
By the end of the night I had a list of questions ready to throw at Barile. One was: “Have you ever thought of bringing ‘Monodogs’ to the east side of town?’ The second after I wrote it, Barile said, “Thanks for coming and we will bring theatre to Chicago’s west side whether it kills me or not!” OK, scratch that question. But what does Barile mean by that?
“If you want to see good theatre you either go east or you go to Naperville,” Barille says, “and suburban theatre is just a different animal that we are not going to do.” Barile continues, “There is a ton of great theatre east of here and I don‘t want to compete with them. I want to support them, but people in this area are not as likely to go out east, so we are here for them.”
The only thing now is getting “Monodogs” off its feet. Like any new program, it may take time, but Barile is hopeful. And while it hasn‘t become much of a form of fierce competition, Barile is OK with that. “I‘m letting it become its own beast,” he says.
Barile also has a good attitude in regard to those that want to participate. “If you don‘t have the experience but you have the enthusiasm, I‘ll give you as shot, and if you succeed, I‘ll give you another shot.”
“Monodogs of War: Literature 201” will be performed again in February at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, 5801 W. Dakin St. Chicago (in the old Nebo Lutheran Church). Ticket price is $3 or 2-4-$5. To be a participating writer or actor, contact Paul Barile at 773/282-0344, or by e-mail, paulbarile@juno.com.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
I Shoud Have Predicted This
A few months ago my way beautiful and super generous and ultra cool and way fantastic friend Riki got me a fun writing gig through a magazine she used to work for, a lifestyle magazine based in Coral Springs, Fl. The gig was writing the magazine's horoscopes!
Now as a freelance writer I pretty much take any job I can get. With that attitude I have written some interesting articles, from theatre pieces for PerformInk to an article on ergonomics for the certified medical professional community.... oh such big words! Did I sound smart!!???
Well you can imagine my surprise and delight when Riki asked me to do the mag's horoscopes, with the exception that my first set of scopes, while I'd be paid and they'd be published, it would be considered a trial for the editor-in-chief...so I sent off my first set of scopes and heard back that the editor was laughing her ass off and it was 'exactly' what she wanted! So it seemed official, for the minute, I was Xena Torchwood, horoscope writer. Okay I chose a pen name because I didn't want people googling me for my astrological credentials! The pen name itself is another story....
ANYWAY bla bla bla my point, after two months, and after Riki had left the magazine I was let go as the horoscope girl.
I never saw it coming. Weird, huh?
Well apparently the editor became concerned that my scopes were "too negative." Some Coral Springs' folks actually, supposedly, took the time to call the magazine and say they were upset by the negativity of the scopes...okay first off, people its astrology! Now I love astrology just as much as the next wiccan-freak-ouiji-board-player, but come-on, everyone knows that astrology is only true when the scope says something great or fabulous and so wrong when it strikes that inner-oh-my God is that true cord? Second, who calls a poorly edited (yes that was mean, but true, only after Riki left of course, seriously, very true) glossy, fashion mag to complain about horoscopes? Third, and a point of most importance, the scopes, though slightly negative were freakin' funny, and finally in conjunction with point three, negativity is SO underrated!!!!
I love my scopes...so I present, to you, the only two I got to write. One for the month of September, the other for the month of October, and hey if any of you like them I will write some special ones just for my blog next month! Yay!
Enjoy....PS to JW only, I love you.
SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood
ARIES 21 MAR-20 APR
Stop with the bread, pies and yes, even the store-bought confections—baking is not your strong suit. While you are quite the go-getter you need to be aware of failure and move on. Try getting some friends. Enlighten them with your witty banter and non-stop storytelling. You will be surprised what having an audience will do for your ego, not to mention your psyche.
TAURUS 21 APR-20 MAY
It’s time to wise up; changing your bedroom walls to a more appealing color won’t kill you. Yes in a sick way you have become attached to it, but once you get started you will be okay. Just think of the doors you could open? Once you change the color, the next step could be chucking the boyfriend and bettering your love life! YIKES, now breathe.
GEMINI 21 MAY-20 JUN
Please stop talking to the strangers at the coffee shop. They don’t appreciate your insights; you are not only boring them, you are frightening them. Instead reflect inwardly, and maybe do something with your upper arms. Have you thought of a new tattoo, representative of course of your intellectual insights and worldly knowledge?
CANCER 21 JUN- 20 JUL
Go ahead, express your love for the metallic jumpsuit seducing you from the storefront window. No one will make fun of you, okay maybe just a tad, but that will make you stronger. And ultimately you will be ready to admit deeper feelings, like your love of reality TV and the fact that your best friend is getting a bit scared of your possessiveness.
LEO 21 JUL-21 AUG
It’s not always about you, while you can be quite endearing there is a limit to your narcissism that even your Mom can’t tolerate. Practice saying stuff like this: “how are you? What can I do for you? Can I please give you a back rub?” Say it with meaning and often. Don’t worry that you’ll go unnoticed, like any true Leo, your king-like stature will rear it’s ugly and yet oh so charming head.
VIRGO 22 AUG-22 SEP
You are not dying. You just have a cough. Okay now that you have a lozenge, know that all the vitamins you take and herbal remedies are warding off all ailments, but also your friends. Those pills are causing you to reek like last weeks leftovers. No worries, your friends can use the phone to obtain your amazing and philosophical advice.
LIBRA 23 SEP-22 OCT
It’s okay to wear white now, Memorial Day has long past and Labor Day is not yet upon us. You look stunning in white, but you know this already, don’t you? Even though that terry-cloth sweat suit does enhance your derriere, you evoke no shame. Bring it on as you revel in your successful purchase.
SCORPIO 23 OCT-22 NOV
Oh when will you learn? Spitefulness and vengeance does not look good on you. Instead use that energy in the bedroom, where we all know you are your absolute best anyway. Once satisfied consider taking up knitting instead of revenge, after all it is the new hip hobby and there are ‘naughty’ patterns sure to tantalize even you.
SAGITTARIUS 23 NOV-20 DEC
Stop with the pull-tabs already, it’s so not sexy. Yes you’re a lucky bird, but think of your image for once. Take another vacation, maybe hit up the Midwest’s biggest garage sale and use your luck in snagging a vintage tin can. Later you can hang with the locals and be your blunt self. They’re going to love you!
CAPRICORN 21 DEC-19 JAN
You need a savory, freshly brewed iced-tea. No, do not gulp it. Slow down, enjoy it! Reflect on your success and the people that helped you get there. Yes, you didn’t do it all by yourself. Your innate ambition was the driving force, but others did help you and it’s time to say thank you. Open up a little, you will not die of expressing an emotion.
AQUARIUS 20 JAN-18 FEB
Your dung sculpture of the dying calf is beautiful, so who cares if art critics scoff at you? You are so uniquely you and you love it! Yes you’ll have to spend a little extra time wiping off the spit of passersby, but it’s worth it. That sculpture isn’t just great art, it’s a representation of your convictions. Keep at it, head off to the farm, as your next inspiration in the way of chicken heads, is calling.
PISCES 19 FEB-20 MAR
Oh you poor, unfortunate soul. Or should I say souls? Pisces it’s time you listen to your strongest self and get your act together! No need to get all sappy and cry now. No don’t write another poem! Step up to the plate, get a job and for goodness sakes, stop wallowing in your sorrows at the local watering hole. People there don’t like you..
OCTOBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood
VIRGO
August 23-September 23
Pondering the opposite sex is fun, and for you it’s become a sport! While you are quite intuitive and usually dead-on in your theories there is one thing you’re forgetting, tese things don’t matter during a hot make-out session! It’s time to stop analyzing and just get out there! I suggest you start out slow, put the self-help books down, jump on online and consider cyber-sex (live interactions may be too much for you right now.)
LIBRA
September 24-Octover 23
Oh charming Libra you have so much going for you! Don’t waste all your magnetism on the television and your silly parakeet. It’s time to rekindle your artsy nature. Take a sketch class and chat up the nude model. If not for a possible date, then at least to explore your devious side; make the model feel uncomfortable, say you ‘expected more.’
SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
My goodness you are intense! And oh so hard on yourself. So you screwed up…again. Well know this, no one cares about your latest fashion faux-pas. If anything your attempt in pairing those green crushed velvet leggings with the Mary Janes, circa 1991 was a statement in bravado! Who else but you could get away with looking so fashionably horrid anyway?
SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
Yes you can shake those hips, and whoa that booty too! Your moves and tenacity to keep on is so inspiring. But remain tasteful (exasperated gasp;) and don’t forget about your sciatica. Your body actually can’t bend backwards. Once situated revel in pretending you are J Lo, let your inner wild child come out and dam the chuckles of your neighboring dancers, they’re just jealous.
CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
The other night, after cocktail 17, not only were you looking as good as you felt, but you sang beautifully. Everyone at the karaoke bar loved your rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart, even with your dramatic tantrum at the end. Your boss was quite impressed as well, she thought if you could master those sad moments of the songs then you’d be able to handle the chicken soup account.
AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
Hiding your emotions is fun! People think you’re strong, special, normal. Ha-ha, yes I know you feel scared inside. Open up a little Aquarius, it’s okay to like puppies. Accept the pooches and soon you will be able to talk to your parents, make genuine friends and no longer feel uncomfortable talking to your pharmacist. Wait, talking to your pharmacist will still be weird, after all your prescriptions are rather embarrassing.
PISCES
February 20-March 20
Sometimes I wonder why I even try to guide you Pisces. Deep within you are so well on your way. Only you know how to plant just the right amount of gardenias, not to mention get your money’s worth at the all-you-can-eat buffet. You’ve got in going on! If I could offer you one piece of guidance…don’t cry when the buffet runs out of creamed corned, it makes you look like a loser.
ARIES
March 21-April 20
Wow Aries, way to go! You helped an old lady lift a case of soda. How nice of you, sorry to say though you’re still on the Karma crap list. You will have to do way more good deeds to wipe your slate clean. You were so naughty! Oh well, at least you had fun. Next week your date is a bottle of gin and the mirror. Try not to fall too in love with yourself, look what happened to Dorian Gray.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Accepting lavish dinner and shiny baubles is so right up your alley! You always do deserve the best life has to offer! While it’s all fun, be prepared that some suitors will expect something in return. To solve this issue, for the third date, have them over for mac-n-cheese and viola you are off the hook! Oh try and treat them all at the same time, that way you’ll only have to cook once.
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Whoa Gemini stop freaking people out. One minute you’re jovial, the next seething and strange. It’s cute to you and makes you giggle within, but the rest of us are curious if you may be a little off kilter. Chill and reflect on your comedic side and its effect on those around you. Think about banking on your oddities through a stand-up gig. But in interpersonal relationship, remain to be jovial.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
Breath. Everything will be okay just as long as you put the phone down and not leave your newest acquaintance yet another message! Sorry to say they aren’t as in love with you as you with them. Get a robot kit, the time to take in building it will be good for your psyche, and in the end you’ll have a new friend! Also, time to leave your apartment, I hear your landlord installed a beautiful new gazebo in the courtyard, fresh air will do you good.
LEO
July 23-August 22
Have you ever thought about the car business? Good you literally took that as in you and the car business. It would be a good fit, uh Leo? Your cunning, yet sweet-as-cherry-pie nature is too good to not be used in selling that new fashionable hot-rod. You are such a show-off Leo, who wouldn’t want to throw money at you? Now you just need to stop throwing around your money at those late-night bars you keep frequenting.
Now as a freelance writer I pretty much take any job I can get. With that attitude I have written some interesting articles, from theatre pieces for PerformInk to an article on ergonomics for the certified medical professional community.... oh such big words! Did I sound smart!!???
Well you can imagine my surprise and delight when Riki asked me to do the mag's horoscopes, with the exception that my first set of scopes, while I'd be paid and they'd be published, it would be considered a trial for the editor-in-chief...so I sent off my first set of scopes and heard back that the editor was laughing her ass off and it was 'exactly' what she wanted! So it seemed official, for the minute, I was Xena Torchwood, horoscope writer. Okay I chose a pen name because I didn't want people googling me for my astrological credentials! The pen name itself is another story....
ANYWAY bla bla bla my point, after two months, and after Riki had left the magazine I was let go as the horoscope girl.
I never saw it coming. Weird, huh?
Well apparently the editor became concerned that my scopes were "too negative." Some Coral Springs' folks actually, supposedly, took the time to call the magazine and say they were upset by the negativity of the scopes...okay first off, people its astrology! Now I love astrology just as much as the next wiccan-freak-ouiji-board-player, but come-on, everyone knows that astrology is only true when the scope says something great or fabulous and so wrong when it strikes that inner-oh-my God is that true cord? Second, who calls a poorly edited (yes that was mean, but true, only after Riki left of course, seriously, very true) glossy, fashion mag to complain about horoscopes? Third, and a point of most importance, the scopes, though slightly negative were freakin' funny, and finally in conjunction with point three, negativity is SO underrated!!!!
I love my scopes...so I present, to you, the only two I got to write. One for the month of September, the other for the month of October, and hey if any of you like them I will write some special ones just for my blog next month! Yay!
Enjoy....PS to JW only, I love you.
SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood
ARIES 21 MAR-20 APR
Stop with the bread, pies and yes, even the store-bought confections—baking is not your strong suit. While you are quite the go-getter you need to be aware of failure and move on. Try getting some friends. Enlighten them with your witty banter and non-stop storytelling. You will be surprised what having an audience will do for your ego, not to mention your psyche.
TAURUS 21 APR-20 MAY
It’s time to wise up; changing your bedroom walls to a more appealing color won’t kill you. Yes in a sick way you have become attached to it, but once you get started you will be okay. Just think of the doors you could open? Once you change the color, the next step could be chucking the boyfriend and bettering your love life! YIKES, now breathe.
GEMINI 21 MAY-20 JUN
Please stop talking to the strangers at the coffee shop. They don’t appreciate your insights; you are not only boring them, you are frightening them. Instead reflect inwardly, and maybe do something with your upper arms. Have you thought of a new tattoo, representative of course of your intellectual insights and worldly knowledge?
CANCER 21 JUN- 20 JUL
Go ahead, express your love for the metallic jumpsuit seducing you from the storefront window. No one will make fun of you, okay maybe just a tad, but that will make you stronger. And ultimately you will be ready to admit deeper feelings, like your love of reality TV and the fact that your best friend is getting a bit scared of your possessiveness.
LEO 21 JUL-21 AUG
It’s not always about you, while you can be quite endearing there is a limit to your narcissism that even your Mom can’t tolerate. Practice saying stuff like this: “how are you? What can I do for you? Can I please give you a back rub?” Say it with meaning and often. Don’t worry that you’ll go unnoticed, like any true Leo, your king-like stature will rear it’s ugly and yet oh so charming head.
VIRGO 22 AUG-22 SEP
You are not dying. You just have a cough. Okay now that you have a lozenge, know that all the vitamins you take and herbal remedies are warding off all ailments, but also your friends. Those pills are causing you to reek like last weeks leftovers. No worries, your friends can use the phone to obtain your amazing and philosophical advice.
LIBRA 23 SEP-22 OCT
It’s okay to wear white now, Memorial Day has long past and Labor Day is not yet upon us. You look stunning in white, but you know this already, don’t you? Even though that terry-cloth sweat suit does enhance your derriere, you evoke no shame. Bring it on as you revel in your successful purchase.
SCORPIO 23 OCT-22 NOV
Oh when will you learn? Spitefulness and vengeance does not look good on you. Instead use that energy in the bedroom, where we all know you are your absolute best anyway. Once satisfied consider taking up knitting instead of revenge, after all it is the new hip hobby and there are ‘naughty’ patterns sure to tantalize even you.
SAGITTARIUS 23 NOV-20 DEC
Stop with the pull-tabs already, it’s so not sexy. Yes you’re a lucky bird, but think of your image for once. Take another vacation, maybe hit up the Midwest’s biggest garage sale and use your luck in snagging a vintage tin can. Later you can hang with the locals and be your blunt self. They’re going to love you!
CAPRICORN 21 DEC-19 JAN
You need a savory, freshly brewed iced-tea. No, do not gulp it. Slow down, enjoy it! Reflect on your success and the people that helped you get there. Yes, you didn’t do it all by yourself. Your innate ambition was the driving force, but others did help you and it’s time to say thank you. Open up a little, you will not die of expressing an emotion.
AQUARIUS 20 JAN-18 FEB
Your dung sculpture of the dying calf is beautiful, so who cares if art critics scoff at you? You are so uniquely you and you love it! Yes you’ll have to spend a little extra time wiping off the spit of passersby, but it’s worth it. That sculpture isn’t just great art, it’s a representation of your convictions. Keep at it, head off to the farm, as your next inspiration in the way of chicken heads, is calling.
PISCES 19 FEB-20 MAR
Oh you poor, unfortunate soul. Or should I say souls? Pisces it’s time you listen to your strongest self and get your act together! No need to get all sappy and cry now. No don’t write another poem! Step up to the plate, get a job and for goodness sakes, stop wallowing in your sorrows at the local watering hole. People there don’t like you..
OCTOBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood
VIRGO
August 23-September 23
Pondering the opposite sex is fun, and for you it’s become a sport! While you are quite intuitive and usually dead-on in your theories there is one thing you’re forgetting, tese things don’t matter during a hot make-out session! It’s time to stop analyzing and just get out there! I suggest you start out slow, put the self-help books down, jump on online and consider cyber-sex (live interactions may be too much for you right now.)
LIBRA
September 24-Octover 23
Oh charming Libra you have so much going for you! Don’t waste all your magnetism on the television and your silly parakeet. It’s time to rekindle your artsy nature. Take a sketch class and chat up the nude model. If not for a possible date, then at least to explore your devious side; make the model feel uncomfortable, say you ‘expected more.’
SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
My goodness you are intense! And oh so hard on yourself. So you screwed up…again. Well know this, no one cares about your latest fashion faux-pas. If anything your attempt in pairing those green crushed velvet leggings with the Mary Janes, circa 1991 was a statement in bravado! Who else but you could get away with looking so fashionably horrid anyway?
SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
Yes you can shake those hips, and whoa that booty too! Your moves and tenacity to keep on is so inspiring. But remain tasteful (exasperated gasp;) and don’t forget about your sciatica. Your body actually can’t bend backwards. Once situated revel in pretending you are J Lo, let your inner wild child come out and dam the chuckles of your neighboring dancers, they’re just jealous.
CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
The other night, after cocktail 17, not only were you looking as good as you felt, but you sang beautifully. Everyone at the karaoke bar loved your rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart, even with your dramatic tantrum at the end. Your boss was quite impressed as well, she thought if you could master those sad moments of the songs then you’d be able to handle the chicken soup account.
AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
Hiding your emotions is fun! People think you’re strong, special, normal. Ha-ha, yes I know you feel scared inside. Open up a little Aquarius, it’s okay to like puppies. Accept the pooches and soon you will be able to talk to your parents, make genuine friends and no longer feel uncomfortable talking to your pharmacist. Wait, talking to your pharmacist will still be weird, after all your prescriptions are rather embarrassing.
PISCES
February 20-March 20
Sometimes I wonder why I even try to guide you Pisces. Deep within you are so well on your way. Only you know how to plant just the right amount of gardenias, not to mention get your money’s worth at the all-you-can-eat buffet. You’ve got in going on! If I could offer you one piece of guidance…don’t cry when the buffet runs out of creamed corned, it makes you look like a loser.
ARIES
March 21-April 20
Wow Aries, way to go! You helped an old lady lift a case of soda. How nice of you, sorry to say though you’re still on the Karma crap list. You will have to do way more good deeds to wipe your slate clean. You were so naughty! Oh well, at least you had fun. Next week your date is a bottle of gin and the mirror. Try not to fall too in love with yourself, look what happened to Dorian Gray.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Accepting lavish dinner and shiny baubles is so right up your alley! You always do deserve the best life has to offer! While it’s all fun, be prepared that some suitors will expect something in return. To solve this issue, for the third date, have them over for mac-n-cheese and viola you are off the hook! Oh try and treat them all at the same time, that way you’ll only have to cook once.
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Whoa Gemini stop freaking people out. One minute you’re jovial, the next seething and strange. It’s cute to you and makes you giggle within, but the rest of us are curious if you may be a little off kilter. Chill and reflect on your comedic side and its effect on those around you. Think about banking on your oddities through a stand-up gig. But in interpersonal relationship, remain to be jovial.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
Breath. Everything will be okay just as long as you put the phone down and not leave your newest acquaintance yet another message! Sorry to say they aren’t as in love with you as you with them. Get a robot kit, the time to take in building it will be good for your psyche, and in the end you’ll have a new friend! Also, time to leave your apartment, I hear your landlord installed a beautiful new gazebo in the courtyard, fresh air will do you good.
LEO
July 23-August 22
Have you ever thought about the car business? Good you literally took that as in you and the car business. It would be a good fit, uh Leo? Your cunning, yet sweet-as-cherry-pie nature is too good to not be used in selling that new fashionable hot-rod. You are such a show-off Leo, who wouldn’t want to throw money at you? Now you just need to stop throwing around your money at those late-night bars you keep frequenting.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Is BO The New Pink?
Long time no blog, yuk, that sounded lame... so I have been busy lately, my life has changed a bit... I’m just barely waiting tables, I’m in rehearsals for Einstein’s Dreams (expect more info. on this in the future), I have a cool new pt job as a tube talker, and I am now a full-time working girl at an architectural/interior design firm. My job is hard to explain, basically my duties range from watering the plants to designing the new skyscraper slated for development in downtown Chicago by late 2006. (I'm thinking a swirling hot pink metallic and silver theme.)
So with this crazy new schedule I am encountering some strangeness, like the hours are wicked weird! I actually now rise at the time that I used to go to bed...it's not like I was partying before either, I was just up all night, playing Literati, watching movies, writing, organizing, dancing for my cat and next thing you know it's the crack of dawn!
Also it seems that I have now encountered a whole new wave of what seems to be the new pink: BO.
Like cupcakes, BO seems to be the hot new trend! It seems to be everywhere I go! And then it dawns on me, it must be me!!!!!! So friends, people, family, loved ones, please tell me if I smell, I will not be offended. I will be ever so grateful and will promise to finally shower. That's all.
Thanks Y'all
More fun blogging later when I have a minute to breathe!!!!
So with this crazy new schedule I am encountering some strangeness, like the hours are wicked weird! I actually now rise at the time that I used to go to bed...it's not like I was partying before either, I was just up all night, playing Literati, watching movies, writing, organizing, dancing for my cat and next thing you know it's the crack of dawn!
Also it seems that I have now encountered a whole new wave of what seems to be the new pink: BO.
Like cupcakes, BO seems to be the hot new trend! It seems to be everywhere I go! And then it dawns on me, it must be me!!!!!! So friends, people, family, loved ones, please tell me if I smell, I will not be offended. I will be ever so grateful and will promise to finally shower. That's all.
Thanks Y'all
More fun blogging later when I have a minute to breathe!!!!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katrina is a bitch.
If my name was Katrina I'd change my name to Kat. (No pun intended, which you'll get once you've read ahead.)
In regard to the bitch, for goodness sakes let these poor people take their pets with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about Snowball? I just did. Police took a small white dog named Snowball from a little boy at the Superdome. The dog wasn't allowed to go with the boy upon evacuation of the dome. When the police took the dog the boy cried "Snowball! Snowball!" until he vomited.
At the time authorities said they didn't know where the boy or his dog ended up. It wasn't with each other though.
Thankfully it looks like Snowball has since been found but has yet to be reunited with the boy.
(The full story is on the MSNBC website.)
The story of Snowball makes ME want to vomit...but what is even worse are now the people that are forced to leave their pets at their homes, where there is no food and fresh water. The pets are basically just being left there to die.
I am so dumbfounded. I could go on about this, however my bitching is pretty annoying, plus I am SUPER tired and am making no sense.
So what I really want to say is PLEASE, if you can, help the little furry victims. Some pet organization's, such the Humane Society have been given permits to search homes and rescue dogs, cats, and even hamsters! These people need help! Check out ways to help by going to any of these websites!
From Reuters
NEW ORLEANS - The promise of a warm meal, cold drink and air-conditioned shelter was not enough to convince George Reed Thursday to hop a military truck out of New Orleans.
Reed, a gap-toothed retiree, wanted to know only one thing from the soldiers trying to persuade him and a few neighbors to evacuate the city, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina last week. “What about my dog?”
Reed, who lives with a pit bull in Bywater, a Bohemian quarter near the center of town, was not alone in his concern. Countless pet owners faced a terrible dilemma as authorities pressed ahead with a forced evacuation of the flooded city.
They could to defy the order and risk forcible removal or even arrest or they could comply, condemning their four-legged friends to an uncertain fate in a city that could be uninhabitable for weeks if not months.
For Reed, the decision was a quick one.
“We’re staying,” he said as he walked back to his home.
'I have no choice'
Adrian Tate, a carpenter who also owns a pit bull, said he knew of other animal lovers who were going to hide from authorities during the evacuation.
“They’ve got pets and they ain’t leaving them behind,” Tate said
Minutes later, Tate boarded a truck out of the city — without his dog.
“I have no choice,” he shouted.
Rescuers who cruised submerged areas of New Orleans by boat have reluctantly left behind countless dogs and cats perched on roofs, hoods of cars and any other available dry surface. Their orders were to pick up human, not animal, cargo.
The reasoning was based on logistics rather than callousness. Many of the temporary shelters that are housing thousands of displaced New Orleans residents throughout the nation prohibit pets.
This hard line has stymied the rescue effort in New Orleans. Would-be rescuers have watched in amazement time and again during the past week as pet owners refused to budge from flooded homes without a dog or cat.
That may change in the coming days as a fledgling effort to locate abandoned and stranded pets builds momentum. Police are giving animal rescue groups permits to search houses for pets.
So far, animal rescue groups have fielded more than 3,500 requests from people looking for lost pets as a result of Katrina, according to the International Fund for Animal Welfare.
The group said Thursday that it had rescued 43 dogs, 41 cats, a snake, a bird, an iguana, a hamster and a 300-pound potbelly pig named Ruty in the New Orleans area in the past two days.
Copyright 2005 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.
If you wish to support animal-related relief efforts in the hurricane zone, visit the following Web sites for information on making a donation and volunteering:
• American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
• American Veterinary Medical Foundation
• Humane Society of the United States
• Katrina Found Pets
• American Humane Association
• LSU School of Veterinary Medicine
• Noah’s Wish
• Petfinder.com: Animal Welfare Disaster Resources
• American Kennel Club
If my name was Katrina I'd change my name to Kat. (No pun intended, which you'll get once you've read ahead.)
In regard to the bitch, for goodness sakes let these poor people take their pets with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about Snowball? I just did. Police took a small white dog named Snowball from a little boy at the Superdome. The dog wasn't allowed to go with the boy upon evacuation of the dome. When the police took the dog the boy cried "Snowball! Snowball!" until he vomited.
At the time authorities said they didn't know where the boy or his dog ended up. It wasn't with each other though.
Thankfully it looks like Snowball has since been found but has yet to be reunited with the boy.
(The full story is on the MSNBC website.)
The story of Snowball makes ME want to vomit...but what is even worse are now the people that are forced to leave their pets at their homes, where there is no food and fresh water. The pets are basically just being left there to die.
I am so dumbfounded. I could go on about this, however my bitching is pretty annoying, plus I am SUPER tired and am making no sense.
So what I really want to say is PLEASE, if you can, help the little furry victims. Some pet organization's, such the Humane Society have been given permits to search homes and rescue dogs, cats, and even hamsters! These people need help! Check out ways to help by going to any of these websites!
From Reuters
NEW ORLEANS - The promise of a warm meal, cold drink and air-conditioned shelter was not enough to convince George Reed Thursday to hop a military truck out of New Orleans.
Reed, a gap-toothed retiree, wanted to know only one thing from the soldiers trying to persuade him and a few neighbors to evacuate the city, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina last week. “What about my dog?”
Reed, who lives with a pit bull in Bywater, a Bohemian quarter near the center of town, was not alone in his concern. Countless pet owners faced a terrible dilemma as authorities pressed ahead with a forced evacuation of the flooded city.
They could to defy the order and risk forcible removal or even arrest or they could comply, condemning their four-legged friends to an uncertain fate in a city that could be uninhabitable for weeks if not months.
For Reed, the decision was a quick one.
“We’re staying,” he said as he walked back to his home.
'I have no choice'
Adrian Tate, a carpenter who also owns a pit bull, said he knew of other animal lovers who were going to hide from authorities during the evacuation.
“They’ve got pets and they ain’t leaving them behind,” Tate said
Minutes later, Tate boarded a truck out of the city — without his dog.
“I have no choice,” he shouted.
Rescuers who cruised submerged areas of New Orleans by boat have reluctantly left behind countless dogs and cats perched on roofs, hoods of cars and any other available dry surface. Their orders were to pick up human, not animal, cargo.
The reasoning was based on logistics rather than callousness. Many of the temporary shelters that are housing thousands of displaced New Orleans residents throughout the nation prohibit pets.
This hard line has stymied the rescue effort in New Orleans. Would-be rescuers have watched in amazement time and again during the past week as pet owners refused to budge from flooded homes without a dog or cat.
That may change in the coming days as a fledgling effort to locate abandoned and stranded pets builds momentum. Police are giving animal rescue groups permits to search houses for pets.
So far, animal rescue groups have fielded more than 3,500 requests from people looking for lost pets as a result of Katrina, according to the International Fund for Animal Welfare.
The group said Thursday that it had rescued 43 dogs, 41 cats, a snake, a bird, an iguana, a hamster and a 300-pound potbelly pig named Ruty in the New Orleans area in the past two days.
Copyright 2005 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.
If you wish to support animal-related relief efforts in the hurricane zone, visit the following Web sites for information on making a donation and volunteering:
• American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
• American Veterinary Medical Foundation
• Humane Society of the United States
• Katrina Found Pets
• American Humane Association
• LSU School of Veterinary Medicine
• Noah’s Wish
• Petfinder.com: Animal Welfare Disaster Resources
• American Kennel Club
Friday, August 05, 2005
Charming Chi-Town and a Sholene!
Happy August. Is anyone else dreading winter? I dream that it is winter all the time; then cry. I really loathe that season, I need to get to Cali....I don’t think so. But maybe Nawlins? Really I can honestly say there is not one thing about the ice-freakin’ cold that I like. Autumn rocks, but Tundra-death-cold winter? No thank you.
So I haven’t written here in eons. Do I have any fans that feel upset about this? (No Honey, you don’t count. You’re just a kitty and I know you are only logging in to see your beautiful picture! I would do the same.)
My summer has been CRAZY. Chicago is honestly just so awesome this time of year. It’s quite seductive and alluring…the lake, the view, the people,the parks, the boats, the patios, the food and drinks….new favorite cocktail? Vanilla Vodka with Ginger Ale (I have decided to name this drink the Sholene!) Try it, it’s kind of a girly drink, but hells it taste so damn good, who cares! It's like a yummy cream soda.
Okay since the summer has sucked me into to enjoying the beautiful days….I thought, for this post, instead of writing something silly, because really I don’t have the time….I would offer y’all links to some of my favorite websites! Oh Lala! Check em out! They are divine.
Now who has my SPF 45????????? Honey?
Cool Chicago blog-site! This is to inspire you wuss-asses to visit me! J
www.chicagoist.com
My friend’s 80’s site, funny!
www.cruelsummer.net
One of my favoritest photographers ever! This guy’s shit is really good!
www.davidjturner.com
Important animal website! Save the Seagulls!
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer
Perfect Duluth Day The coolest town ever! I went to college here.
www.perfectduluthday.com
One of the best blogs I have ever come across. This girl KNOWS what she is talkin’ about!
http://wanderlusting.typepad.com/chinadoll/
A funny blog. Anyone who is more obsessed with his or her cat than me makes me feel like “I’m okay!”
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2005/06/playing_the_cut.html
My boyfriend’s website. He’s so cool.
www.whitestripes.com
Cool ChicProv!
www.sirensimprov.com/main.html
For all your latest Chicago Theatre news…from some really great writers!
www.performink.com
Who couldn’t love That Girl!?
www.thatgirltv.com
Ladies! Track your menses! (yes I’m getting old cuz suddenly the way my body works is really fascinating to me, which brings me to an interesting thought. There are roughly two times in our lives when we are intrigued with the workings of our bodies, when we are children and when we are old cutie-pies….interesting, uh?
www.mymonthlycycles.com
So I haven’t written here in eons. Do I have any fans that feel upset about this? (No Honey, you don’t count. You’re just a kitty and I know you are only logging in to see your beautiful picture! I would do the same.)
My summer has been CRAZY. Chicago is honestly just so awesome this time of year. It’s quite seductive and alluring…the lake, the view, the people,the parks, the boats, the patios, the food and drinks….new favorite cocktail? Vanilla Vodka with Ginger Ale (I have decided to name this drink the Sholene!) Try it, it’s kind of a girly drink, but hells it taste so damn good, who cares! It's like a yummy cream soda.
Okay since the summer has sucked me into to enjoying the beautiful days….I thought, for this post, instead of writing something silly, because really I don’t have the time….I would offer y’all links to some of my favorite websites! Oh Lala! Check em out! They are divine.
Now who has my SPF 45????????? Honey?
Cool Chicago blog-site! This is to inspire you wuss-asses to visit me! J
www.chicagoist.com
My friend’s 80’s site, funny!
www.cruelsummer.net
One of my favoritest photographers ever! This guy’s shit is really good!
www.davidjturner.com
Important animal website! Save the Seagulls!
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer
Perfect Duluth Day The coolest town ever! I went to college here.
www.perfectduluthday.com
One of the best blogs I have ever come across. This girl KNOWS what she is talkin’ about!
http://wanderlusting.typepad.com/chinadoll/
A funny blog. Anyone who is more obsessed with his or her cat than me makes me feel like “I’m okay!”
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2005/06/playing_the_cut.html
My boyfriend’s website. He’s so cool.
www.whitestripes.com
Cool ChicProv!
www.sirensimprov.com/main.html
For all your latest Chicago Theatre news…from some really great writers!
www.performink.com
Who couldn’t love That Girl!?
www.thatgirltv.com
Ladies! Track your menses! (yes I’m getting old cuz suddenly the way my body works is really fascinating to me, which brings me to an interesting thought. There are roughly two times in our lives when we are intrigued with the workings of our bodies, when we are children and when we are old cutie-pies….interesting, uh?
www.mymonthlycycles.com
Friday, July 01, 2005
Name that Movie 2!
Time to play Jolene’s favorite group game once again….Name That Movie!
Okay for those of you that may need further explaining on this (D-dawg), simply read the movie quotes below and if you know which movie they are from, then click on 'comments' and write in the space provided.....the winner gets the coolest prize ever…a kiss from me! Okay and some chocolate too!
Have fun! And Happy 4th!
1. Finding a boy in high school is hard, it’s like finding meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
2. We have lots of things in common, you know soup, snow peas, the outdoors, talking and not talking; we could talk or not talk for hours.
3. Gee Bruno, you always get the best stuff.
4. I would like a nice, mind-altering substance, preferably something that would make my unborn children grow gills.
5. I want my foreskin back, nobody asked me if they could take it, they just took it.
6. I’m a woman! We don’t say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don’t get it, that’s what makes us so fascinating and not a little be scary.
7. Hmmmm he’s right, she tastes like a peach.
8. whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.
9. lactose-intolerant
10. yes. Wait. Ask me again.
Okay for those of you that may need further explaining on this (D-dawg), simply read the movie quotes below and if you know which movie they are from, then click on 'comments' and write in the space provided.....the winner gets the coolest prize ever…a kiss from me! Okay and some chocolate too!
Have fun! And Happy 4th!
1. Finding a boy in high school is hard, it’s like finding meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
2. We have lots of things in common, you know soup, snow peas, the outdoors, talking and not talking; we could talk or not talk for hours.
3. Gee Bruno, you always get the best stuff.
4. I would like a nice, mind-altering substance, preferably something that would make my unborn children grow gills.
5. I want my foreskin back, nobody asked me if they could take it, they just took it.
6. I’m a woman! We don’t say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don’t get it, that’s what makes us so fascinating and not a little be scary.
7. Hmmmm he’s right, she tastes like a peach.
8. whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.
9. lactose-intolerant
10. yes. Wait. Ask me again.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Puuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr
This is my Honey. Isn't she GORGEOUS? Thank you for your nods of agreement. Today Honey and are content, but solemn. Two years ago to this exact day Honey and I lost our best friend, Xena.
Xena was/is a black and white beauty with engaging bluish green eyes and a heart so full of love I could cry thinking about it. On June 10, 2003 I did one of the stupidest things of my life, I brought Xena, an indoor cat, outside to brush her. The fur of my girls has a toll on my allergies and on this day it was bad. I thought she’d be fine. I had done this with Honey a 100 times, a quick brush on the front steps and poof, I have a prettier, less furry cat. Well I had never done this with Xena and she was wigged out. A neighbor came up the steps and freaked Xena out, she squirmed and squirmed, and before I knew it she was out of my grip. I still wonder if I purposely let her go, or if she just got out of my grip on her own. I have gone over this split second so many times. I think I might have thought she would run under the nearby bush, I never thought she’d run away. Once out of my grip she just darted in the direction she was facing, straight down the sidewalk, pass the postman who said, “man I have never seen a cat run so fast.” I was screaming. “STOP HER!” Her body was crouched so close to the ground. She ran through a yard and to the back of a house, it was when she, in her own acrobatically perfect and beautiful way, jumped a fence that I lost her out of my sight never to see her ever again.
When I was a little girl I got my first cat, Ginger, (Yes my porn first name is Ginger; the whole name is Ginger Torchwood, nice, huh?) Ginger was very delicate and very pretty. She was a Himalayan Seal Point; she only liked me. She was shy and timid and skittish. When I had the Chicken Pox she slept at my feet the entire week of the pox. Ginger had a short life battling feline leukemia. My mother and I had to put her to sleep. I still remember the cream-colored sweater and green jacket my Mom bought me right after.
In college I lived with two cats that were being raised by two women, my roommates, not qualified to be feline mothers (Lord help us if they have children today.) These cats and I had an understanding, mine was: I don’t like you and will swat your ass when I find you on the kitchen counter; theirs was, we don’t like and we'll pee on your clothes. After this experience I vowed to never be a cat Mom. Three years later my new roommate brought home a kitten, against my wishes. Thank God the kitten was cute, otherwise I would have protested. We named her Coco Chanel, but called her Cha-ney-ney. Poor Cha-ney-ney grew up to be a retard.
In 1997, months after parting ways with that roommate and Cha-ney-ney, I realized I did want to be a cat Mom and that’s when Xena came into my world. I rescued Xena from a shelter in St. Paul MN, the shelter director almost didn’t let me have her as she was her favorite kitty, (if that woman knew what has since happened, I’m sure she’d have my head.) The first two weeks of having Xena, she slept in my closet. She was freaked out. I gave her space and time. Eventually she started coming out at night to join me in bed. She snuggled up next to me and purred, I suspected that she was saying Thank you. Within the month Xena and I were tight and understood that we were each other’s one and only. I know that sounds corny, but in all honesty I can tell you that every time I looked at her, I thought “I have given her a better life” and my heart swelled knowing she was so happy. She gave me kisses and snuggles and always sat on my lap.
A few years later my Grandpa, a huge cat fanatic, passed away, leaving behind my ever so cute Grandma and his beloved Honey. My Grandma asked me if I’d be willing to take Honey into my home, as she was crying constantly, getting under her feet and biting her butt. Honey adores attention. After months of hemming and hawing on the issue, Xena and I finally decided to take her. Poor Honey was always second fiddle to Xena. We took care of her, but she knew that Xena was the Queen Bee. Soon though the two were the absolute best of friends. Xena, being a very clean and tidy cat, groomed the scruffy Honey. Although they both had their own beds, rarely would they be separated. Often they were crunched in one bed together, lezzing out. Again my heart swelled. Every time I left and returned home Xena was on my lap immediately, it was very funny. She insisted on sitting on my lap for hours while I was working on the computer, or at the television. She was clued to me the majority of the time. I was always so proud of my accomplishment with her. I knew she was very timid at first, and I worked with her that first month to have her gain my trust and she did, I felt really happy about that.
The moment I lost Xena, I thought I would never have children. I couldn’t imagine what Mothers do when their babies go missing. How horrid. It’s the not knowing that is so tragic. Once I lost Xena over the fence, I called my Mother immediately, all I could think was “Moms fix everything, My Mom will fix this.” I was uncontrollable. She didn’t know what to do. I was astonished and angry. I demanded she come over and find my cat, to shell out money to some magical-ness to get her back, to do something. She came over and looked with me. We even brought Honey with us in a carrier, hoping Xena would smell her scent and come out of her hiding spot. I put up signs. I stayed up all night.
For the rest of that Summer I looked for her. In total I posted 750 signs. When it stormed I reposted my signs. I told friends if they wanted to see me then they’d better put their walking shoes on as the only way they could spend time with me was to look for my cat. I met so many neighbors, so many, I was becoming a celebrity….people who’d meet me on the street would say, “oh you are the one who lost her cat.” I’d hear stories how people would walk with stray cats back to their homes only to realize that the cat they found looked nothing like the picture….another story was a woman who captured a cat in her car and drove it to my apartment, but it was the wrong cat and now the woman was screwed. “Oh God,” she said, “I stole someone’s cat.” I looked at so many cats… people just grabbed sick or lost kitties and brought them in their homes, fed them and hoped it was my girl. While this sentiment was overwhelming in the most positive of ways and gave me much faith in my fellow humans.....I couldn't help but think how strange it is that most of us will pick up stray, sick felines and canines, but look the other way when it comes to a human being.
Since my phone numbers were posted on the signs, I also received a plethora of phone calls about Xena. In general most calls were from kind people, but not always. I received a call from a man telling me that if I wanted to see my cat alive I’d better meet him at 2:00 in the morning. Another call was a man telling me that his friends have my cat and they were torching her, he told me he wouldn’t tell me where she was because he didn’t think I really cared about my cat. And another call was a woman telling me that the Lord is watching over us and she was going to pray for me. She was a slight nut, but I appreciated her sentiment, thanked her and assured her that I had already lit a million candles at the Basilica in honor of Xena. And that is not a lie. I would light candles every three days and go to church, I even talked to a priest about it. He told me that the best thing I could do is be there for Honey. He made me realize that since I had lost Xena I had been ignoring Honey, only acknowledging her to feed her. But I wouldn’t pet her or let her get near me. The Priest reminded me that she too was missing Xena and needed to be told it was okay. I felt so ashamed and I felt like Honey was really angry with me. That day we made up and snuggled.
The entire experience was wicked. I kept trying to find meaning in it and tried to gain true understanding from people. Most everyone didn’t get it. They had little sympathy, but were always polite and did their best to help. It was hard explaining how I felt. I made friends with so many strangers that would help me look for Xena. I kept wondering why. I even would try and make a difference in their life. One fellow I made friends with told me how lonely he was. I started inviting him everywhere and tried to get him a girlfriend, eventually he went back to being a hermit. Soon though I made one of my very best friends, whom I believe is the reason for why this happened. I had an acquaintance in the neighborhood that had cat-sat for me once and when she saw the signs she called me to help. She was the first Peron that truly understood, she would just talk to me in great detail about everything. She also was the first person who pushed me to move forward and to go to a party. Today that girl and I are very close. I adore her.
By August I was at my wit’s end. I was irate that 750 signs turned up no information. I did something crazy, I turned to a pet psychic. Now I’m not saying I completely believe this….who really knows…as I said I was at my wit’s end, I was psycho for answers….what the psychic told me was sad. She said that Xena was afraid of the sky and she didn’t understand why I had her outside. She was afraid of the sky!!! She said that Xena sat under a deck for five days and finally came out at night for food, only to be killed instantly by something big. She didn’t know if it was a dog, or a car, she said it wasn’t human. She told me that Xena’s spirit had been with me the whole time and that it was really hard for her to see me leave to look for her when she was there the whole time. Xena wanted me to acknowledge her. The psychic told me that Honey had seen her spirit and was wigged out. The funny thing is the day that had supposedly happened, I kid not, Honey was acting really strange, as if something were there. I then proceeded to talk to Xena, I begged her to forgive, and I was uncontrollable. Sobbing. No one would ever know. I kept this pretty well hidden, as it does seem a little nutty.
Well if you read this far, thank you. That is the story of Xena. Now please go give your own pet a huge hug and kiss. Miss Honey and I are going to snuggle a bit. We have become quite close, funny thing though, although we snuggle often, she won’t ever sleep or jump on my lap, it’s like she still knows, my lap is Xena’s spot.
Read Ahead
Xena was/is a black and white beauty with engaging bluish green eyes and a heart so full of love I could cry thinking about it. On June 10, 2003 I did one of the stupidest things of my life, I brought Xena, an indoor cat, outside to brush her. The fur of my girls has a toll on my allergies and on this day it was bad. I thought she’d be fine. I had done this with Honey a 100 times, a quick brush on the front steps and poof, I have a prettier, less furry cat. Well I had never done this with Xena and she was wigged out. A neighbor came up the steps and freaked Xena out, she squirmed and squirmed, and before I knew it she was out of my grip. I still wonder if I purposely let her go, or if she just got out of my grip on her own. I have gone over this split second so many times. I think I might have thought she would run under the nearby bush, I never thought she’d run away. Once out of my grip she just darted in the direction she was facing, straight down the sidewalk, pass the postman who said, “man I have never seen a cat run so fast.” I was screaming. “STOP HER!” Her body was crouched so close to the ground. She ran through a yard and to the back of a house, it was when she, in her own acrobatically perfect and beautiful way, jumped a fence that I lost her out of my sight never to see her ever again.
When I was a little girl I got my first cat, Ginger, (Yes my porn first name is Ginger; the whole name is Ginger Torchwood, nice, huh?) Ginger was very delicate and very pretty. She was a Himalayan Seal Point; she only liked me. She was shy and timid and skittish. When I had the Chicken Pox she slept at my feet the entire week of the pox. Ginger had a short life battling feline leukemia. My mother and I had to put her to sleep. I still remember the cream-colored sweater and green jacket my Mom bought me right after.
In college I lived with two cats that were being raised by two women, my roommates, not qualified to be feline mothers (Lord help us if they have children today.) These cats and I had an understanding, mine was: I don’t like you and will swat your ass when I find you on the kitchen counter; theirs was, we don’t like and we'll pee on your clothes. After this experience I vowed to never be a cat Mom. Three years later my new roommate brought home a kitten, against my wishes. Thank God the kitten was cute, otherwise I would have protested. We named her Coco Chanel, but called her Cha-ney-ney. Poor Cha-ney-ney grew up to be a retard.
In 1997, months after parting ways with that roommate and Cha-ney-ney, I realized I did want to be a cat Mom and that’s when Xena came into my world. I rescued Xena from a shelter in St. Paul MN, the shelter director almost didn’t let me have her as she was her favorite kitty, (if that woman knew what has since happened, I’m sure she’d have my head.) The first two weeks of having Xena, she slept in my closet. She was freaked out. I gave her space and time. Eventually she started coming out at night to join me in bed. She snuggled up next to me and purred, I suspected that she was saying Thank you. Within the month Xena and I were tight and understood that we were each other’s one and only. I know that sounds corny, but in all honesty I can tell you that every time I looked at her, I thought “I have given her a better life” and my heart swelled knowing she was so happy. She gave me kisses and snuggles and always sat on my lap.
A few years later my Grandpa, a huge cat fanatic, passed away, leaving behind my ever so cute Grandma and his beloved Honey. My Grandma asked me if I’d be willing to take Honey into my home, as she was crying constantly, getting under her feet and biting her butt. Honey adores attention. After months of hemming and hawing on the issue, Xena and I finally decided to take her. Poor Honey was always second fiddle to Xena. We took care of her, but she knew that Xena was the Queen Bee. Soon though the two were the absolute best of friends. Xena, being a very clean and tidy cat, groomed the scruffy Honey. Although they both had their own beds, rarely would they be separated. Often they were crunched in one bed together, lezzing out. Again my heart swelled. Every time I left and returned home Xena was on my lap immediately, it was very funny. She insisted on sitting on my lap for hours while I was working on the computer, or at the television. She was clued to me the majority of the time. I was always so proud of my accomplishment with her. I knew she was very timid at first, and I worked with her that first month to have her gain my trust and she did, I felt really happy about that.
The moment I lost Xena, I thought I would never have children. I couldn’t imagine what Mothers do when their babies go missing. How horrid. It’s the not knowing that is so tragic. Once I lost Xena over the fence, I called my Mother immediately, all I could think was “Moms fix everything, My Mom will fix this.” I was uncontrollable. She didn’t know what to do. I was astonished and angry. I demanded she come over and find my cat, to shell out money to some magical-ness to get her back, to do something. She came over and looked with me. We even brought Honey with us in a carrier, hoping Xena would smell her scent and come out of her hiding spot. I put up signs. I stayed up all night.
For the rest of that Summer I looked for her. In total I posted 750 signs. When it stormed I reposted my signs. I told friends if they wanted to see me then they’d better put their walking shoes on as the only way they could spend time with me was to look for my cat. I met so many neighbors, so many, I was becoming a celebrity….people who’d meet me on the street would say, “oh you are the one who lost her cat.” I’d hear stories how people would walk with stray cats back to their homes only to realize that the cat they found looked nothing like the picture….another story was a woman who captured a cat in her car and drove it to my apartment, but it was the wrong cat and now the woman was screwed. “Oh God,” she said, “I stole someone’s cat.” I looked at so many cats… people just grabbed sick or lost kitties and brought them in their homes, fed them and hoped it was my girl. While this sentiment was overwhelming in the most positive of ways and gave me much faith in my fellow humans.....I couldn't help but think how strange it is that most of us will pick up stray, sick felines and canines, but look the other way when it comes to a human being.
Since my phone numbers were posted on the signs, I also received a plethora of phone calls about Xena. In general most calls were from kind people, but not always. I received a call from a man telling me that if I wanted to see my cat alive I’d better meet him at 2:00 in the morning. Another call was a man telling me that his friends have my cat and they were torching her, he told me he wouldn’t tell me where she was because he didn’t think I really cared about my cat. And another call was a woman telling me that the Lord is watching over us and she was going to pray for me. She was a slight nut, but I appreciated her sentiment, thanked her and assured her that I had already lit a million candles at the Basilica in honor of Xena. And that is not a lie. I would light candles every three days and go to church, I even talked to a priest about it. He told me that the best thing I could do is be there for Honey. He made me realize that since I had lost Xena I had been ignoring Honey, only acknowledging her to feed her. But I wouldn’t pet her or let her get near me. The Priest reminded me that she too was missing Xena and needed to be told it was okay. I felt so ashamed and I felt like Honey was really angry with me. That day we made up and snuggled.
The entire experience was wicked. I kept trying to find meaning in it and tried to gain true understanding from people. Most everyone didn’t get it. They had little sympathy, but were always polite and did their best to help. It was hard explaining how I felt. I made friends with so many strangers that would help me look for Xena. I kept wondering why. I even would try and make a difference in their life. One fellow I made friends with told me how lonely he was. I started inviting him everywhere and tried to get him a girlfriend, eventually he went back to being a hermit. Soon though I made one of my very best friends, whom I believe is the reason for why this happened. I had an acquaintance in the neighborhood that had cat-sat for me once and when she saw the signs she called me to help. She was the first Peron that truly understood, she would just talk to me in great detail about everything. She also was the first person who pushed me to move forward and to go to a party. Today that girl and I are very close. I adore her.
By August I was at my wit’s end. I was irate that 750 signs turned up no information. I did something crazy, I turned to a pet psychic. Now I’m not saying I completely believe this….who really knows…as I said I was at my wit’s end, I was psycho for answers….what the psychic told me was sad. She said that Xena was afraid of the sky and she didn’t understand why I had her outside. She was afraid of the sky!!! She said that Xena sat under a deck for five days and finally came out at night for food, only to be killed instantly by something big. She didn’t know if it was a dog, or a car, she said it wasn’t human. She told me that Xena’s spirit had been with me the whole time and that it was really hard for her to see me leave to look for her when she was there the whole time. Xena wanted me to acknowledge her. The psychic told me that Honey had seen her spirit and was wigged out. The funny thing is the day that had supposedly happened, I kid not, Honey was acting really strange, as if something were there. I then proceeded to talk to Xena, I begged her to forgive, and I was uncontrollable. Sobbing. No one would ever know. I kept this pretty well hidden, as it does seem a little nutty.
Well if you read this far, thank you. That is the story of Xena. Now please go give your own pet a huge hug and kiss. Miss Honey and I are going to snuggle a bit. We have become quite close, funny thing though, although we snuggle often, she won’t ever sleep or jump on my lap, it’s like she still knows, my lap is Xena’s spot.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Summertime!
Hey all! Happy belated Memorial Day and with that I get to finally use my new white purse....woo-hoo!
Today I was walking down the street and I saw a cute T-shirt that reminded me of myself….it was a picture of a cartoony girl and underneath her head was the phrase, “Cute But Psycho.” I immediately related. And if I were not me, but was my friend I would have bought that T-shirt for myself, as a present.
Well actually no I wouldn’t have because if I really knew me I’d know that I’d take it to heart and be offended and I wouldn’t want to offend myself. Unless of course I was aware that my hormones were okay on the particular day, then I’d give it to myself because I’d know that I would laugh my ass off to receive such a funny T-shirt…..however I’m not sure if it would be a frivolous purchase as I’m not sure my friend would wear the T-shirt. It is awfully silly and T-‘s with little cutesy phrases bug the hell out of me. Unless if they are pictures of cats with cute phrases like “I’m not a waitress.” Ha-ha because I AM a waitress! Okay I’m going to go pop my meds and get this blog back on track!
BACK ON TRACK
YAY! Okay everyone, if you did not know this already, June is ADOPT-A-CAT Month!!!!!!!! With the onset of horny cats everywhere and the nicer weather, stray kitties are coming out of the woodwork and they need your love and support and attention! If you do not have a feline, I urge you to think about it and if it seems like you are ready for the responsibility, and it is a responsibility, then please go to your local shelter and find a feline that suits your personality.
Trust me when I tell you your heart will feel all happy every time your cat gives you a loving lick on your armpit and jumps up on your lap for an afternoon snuggle. Cats have the rep for being aloof and in control, but they are indeed smart and when it comes down to it they know that if it wasn’t for their perfect human companion their life could possibly be shit. They will be forever grateful and you will have a new loving family member, but I must stress again, THIS IS A RESPONSIBILITY. Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m looking at the kitties at my local PetSmart and the number one reason these cats are given up by their owners is “New apartment doesn’t allow cat.”
UM HELLO then Do NOT live there! I’m constantly floored by how people seem to treat animals as disposable objects…. These little bugger-boos think we are their Gods and Goddess, if we take on that role, (this happens whether we like it or not) then we MUST step up to the plate and keep our word to these innocent beings.
Okay I’m done with my rant. Thank you for listening! For more info on June’s Adopt-a Cat-Month please check out the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal) website www.aspca.org
One more thing, if you’re not a cat person, don’t forget that there are the pooches yearning for love as well. Damn if I were president, aside from stopping the war and making everyone make-out with each other all the time, I would make it mandatory that everyone must house one domesticated animal…okay no that wouldn’t be right….but I would spend all our tax money on the environment, animals, old people (I have a huge weakness for old people) research for every disease that is hurting someone and their family, Education (major), and, of course, decorating the White House.
God I sound like a frickin’ hippy….happy D-dawg?
ON THE THEATRE FRONT….and other news…
On the theatre/acting front, I have been failing miserably…. But keeping my chin up! I have been on several auditions and while I did receive a callback for the part of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I have yet to actually get cast in anything. Sad! Normally I would have gotten something by now…..but competition is steep! The talent here is amazing! The other day I went to this awesome audition for an all women’s improv troupe and wow these women RAWK! I was in awe of being in their company…. While I didn’t get one of the spots available I hope to someday! Thankfully seeing this talent only inspires me to keep auditioning and to improve my craft.
I’m getting ready for another beautiful summer in Chi-town… aside from taking classes at Improv Olympic, I’m going to seek out another area of interest and take a class….. I’m thinking Spanish, jewelry making or belly-dancing! Aside from that I will be serving the Fish and Chips all summer long, stop on by! Also I hope to learn how to sail, courtesy of a new friend who has a kick-ass sailboat down on the harbor right by my apartment…. I was there the other day and wow, Chicago is just really beautiful…. People ask me often how I like Chicago and I never really seem to have anything great to say… not that I hate it, but it’s not home. It’s not full of my cute family and ultra stylish and oh so generous and loving girlfriends….. so I have been prone to not love it, but if I step back and just look at the city and breath in the air and energy of it all, it’s really something great! If you haven’t spent much time here, then I suggest you come for a visit…..I know the EP Suites certainly does have some availability this summer!
Miss Honey seems to be doing well, although she has been very temperamental lately…I suspect she too is aware of the upcoming dreaded day, June 10….this marks the second year that we are without our beloved Xena. I hate June 10. Two years ago I awoke with psycho allergies (cats will cause this sometimes) and I realized I was out of litter so I drove in the morning to get some litter and I remember I was at a stoplight and I saw a sign on the post: Lost pug. And although I had seen this sign 100 times before it was this particular day I really thought about it…I though how horrible that would be to lose a pet and how lucky I was to have my girls in tact, safe…
Fast forward 1hour and 30 minutes later and Xena was gone in a flash. My body went into dry-heaves, I freaked out. I remember thinking “I will never have children.” I can’t imagine what mothers of missing children must do when their baby goes missing. Obviously my kitty is different than a child, but the emotions of losing Xena were so intense, (I mean hello I still cry about it today) that I just couldn’t imagine losing something that I birthed…. Anyway that summer was a weird one…. I produced my first play, an accomplishment I’m so very proud of, and yet I never really enjoyed any of it, cuz every free moment I had I was combing the neighbor and posting signs …..I must have posted close to 750 signs.
(OH here’s a little info for anyone who loses a pet, Kinko’s will honor free copies for lost dog and cat signs, but you have to ask for it.)
BRINGING IT BACK UP!
Okay I’m going to bring this back to something a little more chipper!
This summer also marks two other silly things that I’m psyched about, the release of the fifth White Stripes album. Jack White, I love you. And, in July, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory will be in theatres! When I first heard there was going to be a remake of this treasured film I was angry. Why touch such a gem? Why not just develop something new? But then I saw the trailer on Mac-QuickTime (Check it out if you haven’t already) and damn! I’m psyched! Johnny Depp is too cool! I know he’s a weird creepy actor, but I just adore him…… he’s soooo attractive and crazy and good, and engaging….. and he looks just soooo cool in this flick!
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While writing this blog I decide to go to the White Stripes website to get further details of the upcoming album and what I came upon is HORRID. Upsetting, TERRIBLE, life-altering…..I know now I will forever grow into a hermit with 12 cats. Yesterday, in Brazil, my boyfriend, and the love of my life, Jack White, Gulp, got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Condolences, flowers and words of sorrow can be sent to the manager of the EP Suites.)
Today I was going to post a movie quote quiz along with my blog, but alas I cannot. I must end this to go bury myself back in my bed and cry at the loss of Mr. White and dream of the day that he actually meets me and dumps the perfect woman that stole his heart to be with me, instead forever and ever.
Today I was walking down the street and I saw a cute T-shirt that reminded me of myself….it was a picture of a cartoony girl and underneath her head was the phrase, “Cute But Psycho.” I immediately related. And if I were not me, but was my friend I would have bought that T-shirt for myself, as a present.
Well actually no I wouldn’t have because if I really knew me I’d know that I’d take it to heart and be offended and I wouldn’t want to offend myself. Unless of course I was aware that my hormones were okay on the particular day, then I’d give it to myself because I’d know that I would laugh my ass off to receive such a funny T-shirt…..however I’m not sure if it would be a frivolous purchase as I’m not sure my friend would wear the T-shirt. It is awfully silly and T-‘s with little cutesy phrases bug the hell out of me. Unless if they are pictures of cats with cute phrases like “I’m not a waitress.” Ha-ha because I AM a waitress! Okay I’m going to go pop my meds and get this blog back on track!
BACK ON TRACK
YAY! Okay everyone, if you did not know this already, June is ADOPT-A-CAT Month!!!!!!!! With the onset of horny cats everywhere and the nicer weather, stray kitties are coming out of the woodwork and they need your love and support and attention! If you do not have a feline, I urge you to think about it and if it seems like you are ready for the responsibility, and it is a responsibility, then please go to your local shelter and find a feline that suits your personality.
Trust me when I tell you your heart will feel all happy every time your cat gives you a loving lick on your armpit and jumps up on your lap for an afternoon snuggle. Cats have the rep for being aloof and in control, but they are indeed smart and when it comes down to it they know that if it wasn’t for their perfect human companion their life could possibly be shit. They will be forever grateful and you will have a new loving family member, but I must stress again, THIS IS A RESPONSIBILITY. Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m looking at the kitties at my local PetSmart and the number one reason these cats are given up by their owners is “New apartment doesn’t allow cat.”
UM HELLO then Do NOT live there! I’m constantly floored by how people seem to treat animals as disposable objects…. These little bugger-boos think we are their Gods and Goddess, if we take on that role, (this happens whether we like it or not) then we MUST step up to the plate and keep our word to these innocent beings.
Okay I’m done with my rant. Thank you for listening! For more info on June’s Adopt-a Cat-Month please check out the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal) website www.aspca.org
One more thing, if you’re not a cat person, don’t forget that there are the pooches yearning for love as well. Damn if I were president, aside from stopping the war and making everyone make-out with each other all the time, I would make it mandatory that everyone must house one domesticated animal…okay no that wouldn’t be right….but I would spend all our tax money on the environment, animals, old people (I have a huge weakness for old people) research for every disease that is hurting someone and their family, Education (major), and, of course, decorating the White House.
God I sound like a frickin’ hippy….happy D-dawg?
ON THE THEATRE FRONT….and other news…
On the theatre/acting front, I have been failing miserably…. But keeping my chin up! I have been on several auditions and while I did receive a callback for the part of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I have yet to actually get cast in anything. Sad! Normally I would have gotten something by now…..but competition is steep! The talent here is amazing! The other day I went to this awesome audition for an all women’s improv troupe and wow these women RAWK! I was in awe of being in their company…. While I didn’t get one of the spots available I hope to someday! Thankfully seeing this talent only inspires me to keep auditioning and to improve my craft.
I’m getting ready for another beautiful summer in Chi-town… aside from taking classes at Improv Olympic, I’m going to seek out another area of interest and take a class….. I’m thinking Spanish, jewelry making or belly-dancing! Aside from that I will be serving the Fish and Chips all summer long, stop on by! Also I hope to learn how to sail, courtesy of a new friend who has a kick-ass sailboat down on the harbor right by my apartment…. I was there the other day and wow, Chicago is just really beautiful…. People ask me often how I like Chicago and I never really seem to have anything great to say… not that I hate it, but it’s not home. It’s not full of my cute family and ultra stylish and oh so generous and loving girlfriends….. so I have been prone to not love it, but if I step back and just look at the city and breath in the air and energy of it all, it’s really something great! If you haven’t spent much time here, then I suggest you come for a visit…..I know the EP Suites certainly does have some availability this summer!
Miss Honey seems to be doing well, although she has been very temperamental lately…I suspect she too is aware of the upcoming dreaded day, June 10….this marks the second year that we are without our beloved Xena. I hate June 10. Two years ago I awoke with psycho allergies (cats will cause this sometimes) and I realized I was out of litter so I drove in the morning to get some litter and I remember I was at a stoplight and I saw a sign on the post: Lost pug. And although I had seen this sign 100 times before it was this particular day I really thought about it…I though how horrible that would be to lose a pet and how lucky I was to have my girls in tact, safe…
Fast forward 1hour and 30 minutes later and Xena was gone in a flash. My body went into dry-heaves, I freaked out. I remember thinking “I will never have children.” I can’t imagine what mothers of missing children must do when their baby goes missing. Obviously my kitty is different than a child, but the emotions of losing Xena were so intense, (I mean hello I still cry about it today) that I just couldn’t imagine losing something that I birthed…. Anyway that summer was a weird one…. I produced my first play, an accomplishment I’m so very proud of, and yet I never really enjoyed any of it, cuz every free moment I had I was combing the neighbor and posting signs …..I must have posted close to 750 signs.
(OH here’s a little info for anyone who loses a pet, Kinko’s will honor free copies for lost dog and cat signs, but you have to ask for it.)
BRINGING IT BACK UP!
Okay I’m going to bring this back to something a little more chipper!
This summer also marks two other silly things that I’m psyched about, the release of the fifth White Stripes album. Jack White, I love you. And, in July, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory will be in theatres! When I first heard there was going to be a remake of this treasured film I was angry. Why touch such a gem? Why not just develop something new? But then I saw the trailer on Mac-QuickTime (Check it out if you haven’t already) and damn! I’m psyched! Johnny Depp is too cool! I know he’s a weird creepy actor, but I just adore him…… he’s soooo attractive and crazy and good, and engaging….. and he looks just soooo cool in this flick!
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While writing this blog I decide to go to the White Stripes website to get further details of the upcoming album and what I came upon is HORRID. Upsetting, TERRIBLE, life-altering…..I know now I will forever grow into a hermit with 12 cats. Yesterday, in Brazil, my boyfriend, and the love of my life, Jack White, Gulp, got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Condolences, flowers and words of sorrow can be sent to the manager of the EP Suites.)
Today I was going to post a movie quote quiz along with my blog, but alas I cannot. I must end this to go bury myself back in my bed and cry at the loss of Mr. White and dream of the day that he actually meets me and dumps the perfect woman that stole his heart to be with me, instead forever and ever.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Mom's are cool
This is an article I wrote about Moms' zany advice...it was for a magazine in Florida. It was never published because the editor-in-chief hated it, but I liked it and so did the assignment editor! So here it is for your viewing pleasure!
Mom’s Advice
By Jolene
When I was a young girl I remember my mother was my own personal hair stylist. She brushed my hair, curled my bangs and gave me the much-dreaded yearly perm. Each time she hit a snarl or wound a permanent rod tight to my scalp I remember her loving advice, ‘beauty must suffer.’ And to this day, as I make another appointment for a brow or bikini wax, I remind myself beauty must suffer. The funny thing is although this advice stuck with me, my mom thinks I’m nuts for allowing scalding hot wax anywhere near my body. But the advice was embedded in me as truth. And this got me thinking, all moms have wacky advice, most of which they never think about when they are doling it out and yet children are impressionable. God only knows how many kids have actually tried to grow potatoes with the dirt they’ve scraped out from behind their ears. Think how literal Mom’s advice can be taken, and how long it stays with you.
Imagine this scene: it’s a busy emergency room, you’re rushed in for a freak accident, there’s a pointy stick lodged in your thigh. You’re screaming in pain, you’re about to pass out, but, luckily, you’re conscious just enough to make certain no one sees that, gulp, you’re wearing yesterday’s underwear! And to make matters worse, they’re not only dirty, but they’re from last season as well. Well if you’re found out, you’re never going to get medical attention now, but hey that’s okay because with your face stuck in such an ugly contorted position no doctor would really want to help you anyway.
Mom always did say, "don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position." Which, of course was then preceded with you trying to make this happen; I swear today I can some grotesquely impressive stunts with my eyes all because mom told me not to.
There goes mom with the appearance advice again. In research however I found that many moms have similar advice. One friend’s mom told her to never leave the house without putting lipstick on because you never know who you might see. Good thing, as I would hate to see my friend’s naked lips. I don’t think I’d recognize her with out her signature cherry blossom pout. Another mom told her son that he should always keep his nails clean and trim because women will look at his hands to make certain they are kept up. Today not only does he have perfectly pretty hands, but a plethora of girlfriends and a slight addiction to nail trimming tools as well. Of course moms all around wouldn’t think a thing about his obsessive nature towards manicures, they would be happy with his booming love life, because moms really just want you to find someone nice.
Or rich, as is the case of two other women I know. Both are in happy relationships, but had they listened to their moms they would be in love and loaded. I guess it’s not just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
Before love though, there’s the advice on pregnancy and birth control. When my friend Kristin left for college her mother gave her this piece of advice, “champagne will get you pregnant.” To this day poor Kristin is petrified of champagne, or anything clear and bubbly for that matter, put a lemony-lime soda in front of her and she’ll grab her abdomen and run screaming.
In listening to the stories people had about their mom’s advice, and how they were certain to follow it, I couldn’t help but want to poke fun. But then I remembered, if I don’t have anything nice to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Mom’s Advice
By Jolene
When I was a young girl I remember my mother was my own personal hair stylist. She brushed my hair, curled my bangs and gave me the much-dreaded yearly perm. Each time she hit a snarl or wound a permanent rod tight to my scalp I remember her loving advice, ‘beauty must suffer.’ And to this day, as I make another appointment for a brow or bikini wax, I remind myself beauty must suffer. The funny thing is although this advice stuck with me, my mom thinks I’m nuts for allowing scalding hot wax anywhere near my body. But the advice was embedded in me as truth. And this got me thinking, all moms have wacky advice, most of which they never think about when they are doling it out and yet children are impressionable. God only knows how many kids have actually tried to grow potatoes with the dirt they’ve scraped out from behind their ears. Think how literal Mom’s advice can be taken, and how long it stays with you.
Imagine this scene: it’s a busy emergency room, you’re rushed in for a freak accident, there’s a pointy stick lodged in your thigh. You’re screaming in pain, you’re about to pass out, but, luckily, you’re conscious just enough to make certain no one sees that, gulp, you’re wearing yesterday’s underwear! And to make matters worse, they’re not only dirty, but they’re from last season as well. Well if you’re found out, you’re never going to get medical attention now, but hey that’s okay because with your face stuck in such an ugly contorted position no doctor would really want to help you anyway.
Mom always did say, "don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position." Which, of course was then preceded with you trying to make this happen; I swear today I can some grotesquely impressive stunts with my eyes all because mom told me not to.
There goes mom with the appearance advice again. In research however I found that many moms have similar advice. One friend’s mom told her to never leave the house without putting lipstick on because you never know who you might see. Good thing, as I would hate to see my friend’s naked lips. I don’t think I’d recognize her with out her signature cherry blossom pout. Another mom told her son that he should always keep his nails clean and trim because women will look at his hands to make certain they are kept up. Today not only does he have perfectly pretty hands, but a plethora of girlfriends and a slight addiction to nail trimming tools as well. Of course moms all around wouldn’t think a thing about his obsessive nature towards manicures, they would be happy with his booming love life, because moms really just want you to find someone nice.
Or rich, as is the case of two other women I know. Both are in happy relationships, but had they listened to their moms they would be in love and loaded. I guess it’s not just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
Before love though, there’s the advice on pregnancy and birth control. When my friend Kristin left for college her mother gave her this piece of advice, “champagne will get you pregnant.” To this day poor Kristin is petrified of champagne, or anything clear and bubbly for that matter, put a lemony-lime soda in front of her and she’ll grab her abdomen and run screaming.
In listening to the stories people had about their mom’s advice, and how they were certain to follow it, I couldn’t help but want to poke fun. But then I remembered, if I don’t have anything nice to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thirty-One and Fabulous
Wow! What a Birthday! On April 27th I rang in another year… and the day turned out to be delightful. What made it so delightful is that it just came on like any other day… now for those of you that really know me, you know how I am about Birthdays…I’m a planner and will tell people months in advance, I will go on and on, I will announce to all around that “Today is my Birthday.” And this year that Birthday drama calmed down to a notch of about a five… This was the first Birthday in eons that I didn’t have a ‘Birthday Outfit,’ didn’t have Birthday plans, didn’t stress about not having Birthday plans, didn’t go out for a Birthday dinner, but instead ate a mini frozen pizza and didn’t cry because I was eating frozen pizza, damn I didn’t cry at all!
So what did I do? I had some coffee, got a manicure, squeezed Honey and then my friend Katy and I went to this fabulous show, part of the 2005 Chicago Improv Festival. We saw Sirens, an all women improv troupe, and they RAWKED! Check them out: www.sirensimprov.com. Then came the headliner Mo Collins of Mad TV fame, (yes Stuart’s Mother.) Mo did a one-woman show, Mo Vs. Mo. And oh my God, she’s awesome! She’s 39 and looks like she’s 25 and is so talented and funny, I was in awe…
And to top it all off on our walk home I fell in love. I didn’t catch her name, but wow was she cute! Super happy, lovable and oh so furry! This darling was the product of a love affair between a Pug and a Beagle, they call her a Pugle. Isn’t that the cutest!? I had never heard of such a thing, but Hello, new favorite dog! I can’t wait to get a Pugle of my own and call her Chicken.
Thank you to all of you for your B-day wishes, calls, cards and gifts. You people Rawk.
So what did I do? I had some coffee, got a manicure, squeezed Honey and then my friend Katy and I went to this fabulous show, part of the 2005 Chicago Improv Festival. We saw Sirens, an all women improv troupe, and they RAWKED! Check them out: www.sirensimprov.com. Then came the headliner Mo Collins of Mad TV fame, (yes Stuart’s Mother.) Mo did a one-woman show, Mo Vs. Mo. And oh my God, she’s awesome! She’s 39 and looks like she’s 25 and is so talented and funny, I was in awe…
And to top it all off on our walk home I fell in love. I didn’t catch her name, but wow was she cute! Super happy, lovable and oh so furry! This darling was the product of a love affair between a Pug and a Beagle, they call her a Pugle. Isn’t that the cutest!? I had never heard of such a thing, but Hello, new favorite dog! I can’t wait to get a Pugle of my own and call her Chicken.
Thank you to all of you for your B-day wishes, calls, cards and gifts. You people Rawk.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
My Twitch is My Bitch
Thank you to all THREE of you, wait TWO actually, that participated in my movie quiz. Wowee either I'm a loser and no one reads my blog, or I'm super keen on the movie quotes that I just plain stumped everyone! Yeah, for my ego, I'm going with the second explanation.
So as I type this my lower right lid is twitchin' like a bitchin'.....
It's been going on now for about five days. That, combined with my head trauma, intense headaches, I'm convinced I have something deadly...a brain tumor, nerve damage, lung cancer, a sprained ankle? I AM getting old. So I did a web search for lower lid twitchin' to find out what disease I have and the majority of the info. I found says a twitch is from high caffeine intake, stress and lack of sleep... so I'm thinking which is it? I sleep like my fuzzy, lovey cat, you know peaceful and super cute? I'm no more stressed that normal and I drink coffee like a hot gay man does tricks.... hmm I just made up that little analogy, it doesn’t really jive...Basically I drink at least one major fav coffee from the Bou, or The Bucks a day and I make a pot of coffee a day too, and my other liquid intake is sometimes straight up Coke...and then there's my bitch chocolate.... anyway the web suggested going off of all caffeine intake for about two weeks.... so, drum roll please? I have decided to befriend my twitch.
OH MY GOD I AM getting old. I just wrote a whole paragraph about my health.
Well in other news...I interviewed for an editor's job for three magazine's based in women's fashion and beauty.... right up my alley! While the interview seemed to go really well I don’t think I will get an offer because I had a question about scheduling... the hours are 8:30-6, no exceptions, EVER, period. Well I asked, in the event I do a play, that if, once in a blue moon, I need to leave early was it okay to forgo lunch to skip out early and the interviewer was like "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
So my thought is, is it too much too ask for a little understanding? Well It's okay because while the job sounds pretty the word on the street is not so good, and also it's Tuesday at 1:00pm and I'm still in my PJ's contemplating if I should put on my walking shows for a quick jaunt around the city, or my rollerblades to go down by the lake, read magazines and stare at the buggers-boos at the dog park...decisions, decisions.....
Honey says MEOW
So as I type this my lower right lid is twitchin' like a bitchin'.....
It's been going on now for about five days. That, combined with my head trauma, intense headaches, I'm convinced I have something deadly...a brain tumor, nerve damage, lung cancer, a sprained ankle? I AM getting old. So I did a web search for lower lid twitchin' to find out what disease I have and the majority of the info. I found says a twitch is from high caffeine intake, stress and lack of sleep... so I'm thinking which is it? I sleep like my fuzzy, lovey cat, you know peaceful and super cute? I'm no more stressed that normal and I drink coffee like a hot gay man does tricks.... hmm I just made up that little analogy, it doesn’t really jive...Basically I drink at least one major fav coffee from the Bou, or The Bucks a day and I make a pot of coffee a day too, and my other liquid intake is sometimes straight up Coke...and then there's my bitch chocolate.... anyway the web suggested going off of all caffeine intake for about two weeks.... so, drum roll please? I have decided to befriend my twitch.
OH MY GOD I AM getting old. I just wrote a whole paragraph about my health.
Well in other news...I interviewed for an editor's job for three magazine's based in women's fashion and beauty.... right up my alley! While the interview seemed to go really well I don’t think I will get an offer because I had a question about scheduling... the hours are 8:30-6, no exceptions, EVER, period. Well I asked, in the event I do a play, that if, once in a blue moon, I need to leave early was it okay to forgo lunch to skip out early and the interviewer was like "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
So my thought is, is it too much too ask for a little understanding? Well It's okay because while the job sounds pretty the word on the street is not so good, and also it's Tuesday at 1:00pm and I'm still in my PJ's contemplating if I should put on my walking shows for a quick jaunt around the city, or my rollerblades to go down by the lake, read magazines and stare at the buggers-boos at the dog park...decisions, decisions.....
Honey says MEOW
Friday, April 08, 2005
Name That Movie!
Good Day Readers!
I realize that I haven't fully introduced myself, I say this because of some of the crazy and funny and odd and super nice and super not nice comments I have received. One person asked me to share more about my experiences as an improviser and actress, another berated me for my blog about last November's election. Not familiar? Well I stated that I was going to be basing my vote on a favorite celebrity’s vote. I was poking fun, being hugely sarcastic. This person didn't get the joke.
So there's the first thing about me to know, I'm sarcastic! I can also be really bitchy for the sake of making myself laugh. Without getting all deep to why I'm like this, that's for the therapist, instead, for now, I have decided to share a bit more about my likes and dislikes!
I will start with a like: The cinema! Movies are one of my favorite escapes from Jolene's World, which, let me tell you can get too be really too much. So I give you, my faithful readers, a movie quiz to celebrate this like! See how many you can get correct! Get 'em all and I'll give you a treat!
Following are movies quotes, now...
NAME THAT MOVIE!
1. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father now prepare to die.
2. Ah Chloe. Chloe looks like what I'd imagine Meryl Streep's skeleton would look like if you dressed it up, made it smile and be nice to people at a party.
3. So much time, so little to do. Wait, strike that, reverse it.
4. PC load letter? WTF does that mean?
5. Oh I don’t eat shellfish, Mom always said don’t eat anything that carries it's house around with it cuz you never know when the last time it's been cleaned.
6. This is my adopted daughter, Margo
7. Like I give a shit, they all want me as a friend or a f***, I’m worshipped at Westerberg and I’m only a junior.
8. I told you, my mother’s mother’s mother’s great aunt was black, therefore I’m black, color is a state of mind.
9. So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?
10. Oh I think Diamonds are simply divine on women over 40.
I realize that I haven't fully introduced myself, I say this because of some of the crazy and funny and odd and super nice and super not nice comments I have received. One person asked me to share more about my experiences as an improviser and actress, another berated me for my blog about last November's election. Not familiar? Well I stated that I was going to be basing my vote on a favorite celebrity’s vote. I was poking fun, being hugely sarcastic. This person didn't get the joke.
So there's the first thing about me to know, I'm sarcastic! I can also be really bitchy for the sake of making myself laugh. Without getting all deep to why I'm like this, that's for the therapist, instead, for now, I have decided to share a bit more about my likes and dislikes!
I will start with a like: The cinema! Movies are one of my favorite escapes from Jolene's World, which, let me tell you can get too be really too much. So I give you, my faithful readers, a movie quiz to celebrate this like! See how many you can get correct! Get 'em all and I'll give you a treat!
Following are movies quotes, now...
NAME THAT MOVIE!
1. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father now prepare to die.
2. Ah Chloe. Chloe looks like what I'd imagine Meryl Streep's skeleton would look like if you dressed it up, made it smile and be nice to people at a party.
3. So much time, so little to do. Wait, strike that, reverse it.
4. PC load letter? WTF does that mean?
5. Oh I don’t eat shellfish, Mom always said don’t eat anything that carries it's house around with it cuz you never know when the last time it's been cleaned.
6. This is my adopted daughter, Margo
7. Like I give a shit, they all want me as a friend or a f***, I’m worshipped at Westerberg and I’m only a junior.
8. I told you, my mother’s mother’s mother’s great aunt was black, therefore I’m black, color is a state of mind.
9. So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?
10. Oh I think Diamonds are simply divine on women over 40.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Furry Happiness
Oftentimes my sweet Honey will come up to me and purr and gesture for a snuggle and a belly rub, and of course I oblige.... and it's moments like this that I just squeeze her cute little face and understand how Lenny accidentally killed that rabbit....
Ooooh okay I'm done being Psycho. Miss Beautiful Honey-Buns says MEOW! The two of us really have nothing profound, or SARCASTIC, or stupid or egoistical to say, at this time!!!! Wait yes we always have something egotistical to say...
JOLENE: Hi Honey you're looking mighty beautiful and perfect today.
HONEY: Jolene! So are you and gee your hair is really pretty.
J: I know right? Oh miss Honey I do say your chubby belly is the cutest thing and I don’t agree with all our visitors. You are NOT fat, if anything you could stand to gain a few pounds!
H: I agree! Is that the dinner bell I hear?
J: You know it.
H: Hey while were in the kitchen I think you should indulge in more chocolate cuz you're looking sickly skinny yourself....
J: Oh stop! Okay maybe one or two mini-reeses......gee Miss Honey you're not only perfectly gorgeous, but you're smart to boot.
H: I know right? So ah, about that food...
OH MY GOOD LORD! It's 4:00am, I promise I will be a better blogger when I have more sleep.
:)
Ooooh okay I'm done being Psycho. Miss Beautiful Honey-Buns says MEOW! The two of us really have nothing profound, or SARCASTIC, or stupid or egoistical to say, at this time!!!! Wait yes we always have something egotistical to say...
JOLENE: Hi Honey you're looking mighty beautiful and perfect today.
HONEY: Jolene! So are you and gee your hair is really pretty.
J: I know right? Oh miss Honey I do say your chubby belly is the cutest thing and I don’t agree with all our visitors. You are NOT fat, if anything you could stand to gain a few pounds!
H: I agree! Is that the dinner bell I hear?
J: You know it.
H: Hey while were in the kitchen I think you should indulge in more chocolate cuz you're looking sickly skinny yourself....
J: Oh stop! Okay maybe one or two mini-reeses......gee Miss Honey you're not only perfectly gorgeous, but you're smart to boot.
H: I know right? So ah, about that food...
OH MY GOOD LORD! It's 4:00am, I promise I will be a better blogger when I have more sleep.
:)
Thursday, March 31, 2005
The W, huh? Stars prefer the EP
Chicago, IL- Well it's official the stars have spoke, the EP Suites in Chicago's Boystown is THE hotspot for celebs, people in the know and just wonderful folks in general!!!!! Just last week EP was host to famed photographer, and newly married, David Turner, www.davidjturner.com. If you too are thinking about enjoying a beautiful stay here, book fast! Spots are going like mad!
EP-Suites is conveniently located in Chicago's fabulously lovable Lakeview neighborhood and is in the heart of Lakeview's Boystown. Just minutes from the lakefront, downtown, Wrigleyville and any other cool place! Free room available April 1 to Sept. 30. (Exclusive for residents of Minnesota only; (or Florida, if your name is Riki; London, if you're name is Eleise.)
EP-Suites is conveniently located in Chicago's fabulously lovable Lakeview neighborhood and is in the heart of Lakeview's Boystown. Just minutes from the lakefront, downtown, Wrigleyville and any other cool place! Free room available April 1 to Sept. 30. (Exclusive for residents of Minnesota only; (or Florida, if your name is Riki; London, if you're name is Eleise.)
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Sad and Wrong
In watching the news there are numerous things that are obviously just so sad and so wrong, for example I think starving a woman to death is NOT a humane way to die....
And in other news there are things I hear that are just so Sad and Wrong as well, not just the stories, but in how they are being reported. So give me my time to bitch please.
I will start with wrong.
Last night in the wee hours of the morning I was watching the national news channel on ABC and as they were covering the Red Lake Teen murders in Minnesota the station said they had no news themselves but had coverage from the Minneapolis station KSTP, so they plugged that in to cover the story. Incidentally I was brought back to watching Cindy Brocato and some other chump from Minneapolis covering the story and I couldn't believe what this chump referred these murders as: "Minnesota's own Columbine."
Um I found that disturbing. Anyone agree? In other words, "Yes! We got one! A major massacre to put Minnesota on the map!" I think this news anchor was even slightly salivating over getting to cover this local story. I could see the glimmer of "national pick-up" in his eyes.
Now onto sad, not that the murders in themselves weren't sad, indeed they were, but and forgive me if I seem to putting my worries in the wrong basket but it's stories like this next one that just kills me. Today the local station here covered a story of a pitbull found, alive and badly beaten in a dumpster. The dog has lacerations on his head and body. Thank God someone found him and rescued him, he is now getting medical attention and animal control is investigating the issue. They believe the dog was used as bait in a dog fighting ring, which is huge here in Chicago. UGH! This shit pisses me off so much, I could scream.....
This story aslo brings up an issue I woud like to talk about and that is Pitbulls. Many people see Pitbulls as vicious and as killers, but this is WRONG.
Pitbulls are NOT vicious killers as so many believe. If they are raised like that yes they can be, but if they are let alone to be themselves, or if they are raised like any other lovable animal companion pitbulls will be amazing, loving pets, gentle and loyal.
Interesting PitBull facts:
* Petey of The Little Rascals was a Pitbull
* Helen Keller owned a PitBull (and yes I feel bad about my joke)
* The pittbull was the number one family dog of the first part of the 20tth century.
The reason why these dogs are being bred to be killers is because of the same qaulities that make them wonderful, loving pets: intelligence, great trainability and loyalty.
For more info on pitbulls I urge you to check out the following website, there is a ton of great info and some really wonderful photos of people way way way back when with there beloved Pitbulls (warning there are some graphic photos as well)
www.furryfriendsfoundation.com/Truth03/Truth03.htm
And in other news there are things I hear that are just so Sad and Wrong as well, not just the stories, but in how they are being reported. So give me my time to bitch please.
I will start with wrong.
Last night in the wee hours of the morning I was watching the national news channel on ABC and as they were covering the Red Lake Teen murders in Minnesota the station said they had no news themselves but had coverage from the Minneapolis station KSTP, so they plugged that in to cover the story. Incidentally I was brought back to watching Cindy Brocato and some other chump from Minneapolis covering the story and I couldn't believe what this chump referred these murders as: "Minnesota's own Columbine."
Um I found that disturbing. Anyone agree? In other words, "Yes! We got one! A major massacre to put Minnesota on the map!" I think this news anchor was even slightly salivating over getting to cover this local story. I could see the glimmer of "national pick-up" in his eyes.
Now onto sad, not that the murders in themselves weren't sad, indeed they were, but and forgive me if I seem to putting my worries in the wrong basket but it's stories like this next one that just kills me. Today the local station here covered a story of a pitbull found, alive and badly beaten in a dumpster. The dog has lacerations on his head and body. Thank God someone found him and rescued him, he is now getting medical attention and animal control is investigating the issue. They believe the dog was used as bait in a dog fighting ring, which is huge here in Chicago. UGH! This shit pisses me off so much, I could scream.....
This story aslo brings up an issue I woud like to talk about and that is Pitbulls. Many people see Pitbulls as vicious and as killers, but this is WRONG.
Pitbulls are NOT vicious killers as so many believe. If they are raised like that yes they can be, but if they are let alone to be themselves, or if they are raised like any other lovable animal companion pitbulls will be amazing, loving pets, gentle and loyal.
Interesting PitBull facts:
* Petey of The Little Rascals was a Pitbull
* Helen Keller owned a PitBull (and yes I feel bad about my joke)
* The pittbull was the number one family dog of the first part of the 20tth century.
The reason why these dogs are being bred to be killers is because of the same qaulities that make them wonderful, loving pets: intelligence, great trainability and loyalty.
For more info on pitbulls I urge you to check out the following website, there is a ton of great info and some really wonderful photos of people way way way back when with there beloved Pitbulls (warning there are some graphic photos as well)
www.furryfriendsfoundation.com/Truth03/Truth03.htm
Monday, March 14, 2005
John F#%!-ing Malkovich
Yes the title of my latest post seems a bit lewd, sorry Dad, but I am quoting what Cameron Diaz's character said after going through Malkovich's portal in the movie Being John Malkovich. I am also quoting the line that went through my own mind when I saw Mr. Malkovich shopping last Monday.
Malkovich, Malkovich? Malkovich.
I was shopping downtown at the Paper Source, looking for pretties, when I heard this soft voice. I immediately turned around as it caught my attention as recognizable, and here comes Mr. Malkovich on his cell; he looks me dead in the eye. I was stunned and quickly turned away.
Oh but my story doesn’t end there; oh know because I am a brazen woman! Indeed.
After running to another shopping area and gaining my composure I walked back into the other room where Malkovich was browsing and I scooted up next to him and said, "I really liked you in that jewel thief movie." I was pretty proud of myself. Okay wait that didn’t happen. But in my head it happened. This is what I really said to him, "Hi Mr. Malkovich, I’m Jolene and I look forward to working with you one day."
No I didn’t say that either, I didn’t say anything because I'm really not that brazen, in fact I'm cool, too cool for Mr. Malkovich. Okay too cool to make a fool of myself, as I don't think I would‘ve been able to form a word, let alone a sentence as I was in awe of seeing him. Plus there is the whole respect issue. But I did stand behind him in line to pay, purely by accident I swear! And I was tickled pink with that.
Silly I know to be all flabbergasted over a celebrity, considering I didn’t get this way over my boyfriend Clive Owen when he was salivating over me on the set of Derailed (my next movie, I swear!) but I think Mr. Malkovich is really great, an icon really. I mean he was pretty good in that jewel thief movie after all.
Malkovich, Malkovich? Malkovich.
I was shopping downtown at the Paper Source, looking for pretties, when I heard this soft voice. I immediately turned around as it caught my attention as recognizable, and here comes Mr. Malkovich on his cell; he looks me dead in the eye. I was stunned and quickly turned away.
Oh but my story doesn’t end there; oh know because I am a brazen woman! Indeed.
After running to another shopping area and gaining my composure I walked back into the other room where Malkovich was browsing and I scooted up next to him and said, "I really liked you in that jewel thief movie." I was pretty proud of myself. Okay wait that didn’t happen. But in my head it happened. This is what I really said to him, "Hi Mr. Malkovich, I’m Jolene and I look forward to working with you one day."
No I didn’t say that either, I didn’t say anything because I'm really not that brazen, in fact I'm cool, too cool for Mr. Malkovich. Okay too cool to make a fool of myself, as I don't think I would‘ve been able to form a word, let alone a sentence as I was in awe of seeing him. Plus there is the whole respect issue. But I did stand behind him in line to pay, purely by accident I swear! And I was tickled pink with that.
Silly I know to be all flabbergasted over a celebrity, considering I didn’t get this way over my boyfriend Clive Owen when he was salivating over me on the set of Derailed (my next movie, I swear!) but I think Mr. Malkovich is really great, an icon really. I mean he was pretty good in that jewel thief movie after all.
Super Cheap Chicago
I just came upon this deal if anyone is interested in...
Fun and Free at the EP-Suites
Exclusive for residents of Minnesota only; (or Florida, if your name is Riki; London, if you're name is Eleise.)
Just six hours by auto (forget bathroom breaks or stops at the Mickey D’s) from the breathtaking Twin Cities is the quaint city of Chicago, named for an Indian, I think,
EP-Suites is offering an exclusive deal of free, that’s right, FREE, room and possibly board…for any number of weekends from April 1 to Sept. 30.
Amenities include:
-27 inch television, equipped with the top five local Chicago channels
-DSL Internet hook-up, instant access to Yahoo’s Literati
-A cushy twin sized bed engulfed with pink hearts and quick access to the kitchen area.
-A cat that will meow as an alarm when it is time to wake in the morning. This cat will also provide love and snuggles, but beware her bottom side is full of dingles.
EP-Suites is conveniently located in Chicago’s fabulously lovable Lakeview neighborhood and is in the heart of Lakeview’s ‘Boystown,’ or as we like to refer to it, the Gayborhood. The convenient location allows for many fun activities! If you’re a sweaty gay man who often never wears a shirt then you’ll enjoy the club Hydrate, located just one block north….need some coffee? Grab a Lot-hey! at the Starbucks or Queeribou, both located two blocks away. Get your drink on at Jacquelyn’s or The Closet.
Don't feel like being a gay man? Then head on down to Lake Michigan, just four blocks away, for a roller blade, bike ride or walk, bring your dog as the dog beach is close by!
- Hang out in Chicago’s famed Wrigleyville, three blocks west of the EP-Suites…Go to a Cubs game.
-Take the El downtown and shop at the only store Minnesota doesn’t have, H&M
-Head down the Mag Mile and hit up some culture at The Art Institute.
-Check out the Bean at the new Millennium Park, http://www.millenniumpark.org/
-See Jackie O’s beautiful clothes at the Field Museum, http://www.millenniumpark.org/
-Or go to the creepy exhibit Body Worlds, the anatomical exhibit of REAL human bodies, at the Museum of Science and Industry. The house manager of the EP-Suites saw this exhibit last week and offers the following comment: “Man alive it was creepy!” http://www.msichicago.org/bodyworlds/index.html
No matter what you decide to do, your stay at the EP-Suites would surely be one of fun and harmony! For reservations call the EP-Suites House Manager, who'd be MORE THAN THRILLED with your plan of a visit......if you don’t have her number, then you’re probably not wanted at the Suites anyway!
Fun and Free at the EP-Suites
Exclusive for residents of Minnesota only; (or Florida, if your name is Riki; London, if you're name is Eleise.)
Just six hours by auto (forget bathroom breaks or stops at the Mickey D’s) from the breathtaking Twin Cities is the quaint city of Chicago, named for an Indian, I think,
EP-Suites is offering an exclusive deal of free, that’s right, FREE, room and possibly board…for any number of weekends from April 1 to Sept. 30.
Amenities include:
-27 inch television, equipped with the top five local Chicago channels
-DSL Internet hook-up, instant access to Yahoo’s Literati
-A cushy twin sized bed engulfed with pink hearts and quick access to the kitchen area.
-A cat that will meow as an alarm when it is time to wake in the morning. This cat will also provide love and snuggles, but beware her bottom side is full of dingles.
EP-Suites is conveniently located in Chicago’s fabulously lovable Lakeview neighborhood and is in the heart of Lakeview’s ‘Boystown,’ or as we like to refer to it, the Gayborhood. The convenient location allows for many fun activities! If you’re a sweaty gay man who often never wears a shirt then you’ll enjoy the club Hydrate, located just one block north….need some coffee? Grab a Lot-hey! at the Starbucks or Queeribou, both located two blocks away. Get your drink on at Jacquelyn’s or The Closet.
Don't feel like being a gay man? Then head on down to Lake Michigan, just four blocks away, for a roller blade, bike ride or walk, bring your dog as the dog beach is close by!
- Hang out in Chicago’s famed Wrigleyville, three blocks west of the EP-Suites…Go to a Cubs game.
-Take the El downtown and shop at the only store Minnesota doesn’t have, H&M
-Head down the Mag Mile and hit up some culture at The Art Institute.
-Check out the Bean at the new Millennium Park, http://www.millenniumpark.org/
-See Jackie O’s beautiful clothes at the Field Museum, http://www.millenniumpark.org/
-Or go to the creepy exhibit Body Worlds, the anatomical exhibit of REAL human bodies, at the Museum of Science and Industry. The house manager of the EP-Suites saw this exhibit last week and offers the following comment: “Man alive it was creepy!” http://www.msichicago.org/bodyworlds/index.html
No matter what you decide to do, your stay at the EP-Suites would surely be one of fun and harmony! For reservations call the EP-Suites House Manager, who'd be MORE THAN THRILLED with your plan of a visit......if you don’t have her number, then you’re probably not wanted at the Suites anyway!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Mark Smith, of WI, Should Be Shot
Sometimes, okay often, I wonder if we humans are really that advanced after all.... this Mark Smith Man from Wisconsin thinks it should be legal to kill housecats as a form of hunting. He came up with this idea, legitimately. He is not kidding.
The story is posted below. I cannot foresee a law like this would actually pass, yet it is up for consideration. Lord help us.
(Here Honey, want to take a trip to Wisconsin?)
http://www.kstp.com/article/stories/S6816.html
LA CROSSE, Wis. - A Wisconsin firefighter has suggested changing state laws so it would be legal for licensed hunters to go after housecats.
Mark Smith of La Crosse said he wants to make free-roaming domestic cats an unprotected species. That would allow anyone with a small-game license to shoot them.
"I mean it's just trying to protect some native songbirds and a lot of other wildlife," Smith said. "Whether it's baby ducks, baby turkeys, smaller rabbits, small squirrels, or a whole host of other wildlife."
Hunters will vote on the proposal next month. The outcome of that vote would go to state lawmakers as a recommendation.
MARK YOU’RE AN IDIOT!
I propose a law that Minnesotas can kill stupid men from Wisconsin, wait that sort of happened already.....oops.
The story is posted below. I cannot foresee a law like this would actually pass, yet it is up for consideration. Lord help us.
(Here Honey, want to take a trip to Wisconsin?)
http://www.kstp.com/article/stories/S6816.html
LA CROSSE, Wis. - A Wisconsin firefighter has suggested changing state laws so it would be legal for licensed hunters to go after housecats.
Mark Smith of La Crosse said he wants to make free-roaming domestic cats an unprotected species. That would allow anyone with a small-game license to shoot them.
"I mean it's just trying to protect some native songbirds and a lot of other wildlife," Smith said. "Whether it's baby ducks, baby turkeys, smaller rabbits, small squirrels, or a whole host of other wildlife."
Hunters will vote on the proposal next month. The outcome of that vote would go to state lawmakers as a recommendation.
MARK YOU’RE AN IDIOT!
I propose a law that Minnesotas can kill stupid men from Wisconsin, wait that sort of happened already.....oops.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Ollie, Oscar's Cheap Brother
Last night was Oscar night and Tinsel Town was in rare form with big egos and even bigger taffeta prom dresses. All and all I found the entire event boring, and yet I watched the whole damn thing…. And now I offer my more detailed thoughts for those of you that have asked, “What did you think, Jolene?”
Well I think I just saw the poor man’s Oscar show.
What happened to the glamour?
What happened to the class?
It all started with Chris Rock’s boring stand-up bit that just oozed mediocre, easy and self-absorbed. Note to Mr. Rock: apparently it’s your thing to shout, you must like the sound of your own voice very much, but we can hear you!
While I’m handing out advice, here’s some for the Oscar camera crew: Just because Chris Rock says the word 'black' does not mean you must pan on the faces of all four black people that attended the event last night. I can only imagine what it’s like in the control room at the Oscars: “Rock just said ‘black’, quick shoot over to Morgan Freeman, good now to Halle! Get Oprah get Oprah!” Nice….”
Billy Crystal has made Oscar glittery and brilliant with his amazing dance and song numbers; What did Chris do? He shouted and wasted everyone’s time. He made jokes that only added to the cheapness of the night, i.e. “Everyone will enjoy these next four presenters Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Classy.
Speaking of, did anyone notice the tension between these two Latina Mamas? I was certain that if the two of them had to speak their broken English a minute longer, Salma was going to knock Penelope on the ground. All they needed was Jenny from the Block to provide the mud for their catfight.
But back to Oscar-Light, why oh why bring out the nominees on the stage, or why go into the audience to present awards? Rock’s only saving grace of the night was calling Oscar out on that bull-crap move, “Next year they’ll be handing out Oscars in the parking lot, you can get an Oscar and a McFlurry to go…” So true! I mean they would not have dared had the best actor or actress nominees stand up there together waiting…and then looking so sad and foolish when their name wasn’t called. Tacky!
And then there was the fashion, or lack thereof! Did anyone notice if they were taking prom pictures upon entering the theatre?
I thought everyone looked washed out and tired.... the only woman that looked stunning was Beyonce and wow when did she learn French? Her performances were SO good! She looked so beautiful and glam, the only bad thing that I could possibly say about Beyonce is that at one moment, during her duet with Josh Groban, her hair sort of resembled yarn.
Everyone else needed jewelry and bronzer. And to let their hair down! Why have all this hair if only to twist into to a knot in the back of your head? Hi Renee I’m talking to you, oh and girl eat a steak, please.
One woman that knows how to wear her hair extensions is Miss. Fashion-Icon Halle Berry. But um, Hal it's time to leave the one strap, chiffon numbers alone already! Seriously it’s like she wears a version of the same dress all the time! Yes she looks good, but it’s become so basic, so predictable, who cares? And actually that chiffon on her right boob was pillowy next to the other one, it made her left boob look insey-weensey. Oh Halle, if you're reading this no need to get upset and drink a bunch, you'll probably just end up doing another hit and run and that's not good.... Kate Winslet can join the club on the roster of predictability, sure she looked pretty, but I wouldn’t look twice at her…unless of course if she was African American and Rock said the word black again. Oh and what was with the color blue? Hello 1989!
What's with fat Julia Roberts? Yes I know she squeezed out satan’s spawn (well come on, they're babies of Julia!) but this is Hollywood! Get svelte already! And again, pasty white, lacking jewels, knotty hair, and chunky arms to boot! Okay it seems I really dislike this woman…Well look at her behavior! Clint gets the award for best director and this ridiculous woman, who is so obviously freaking out that she’s going to now be out of the spotlight, does this whole lipstick thing with him just to show us how funny and adorable and great she is? What? Julia it’s NOT your moment, get out of the camera and get your fat arms to the gym. Remember she did the same thing to Denzel a few years back? But instead of wiping off her lipstick she just straddled him? Nice.
Okay I’ll say something kind, Kirsten Dunst looked great! Really. She usually looks like a smelly hippy, but she cleaned up well last night.
Everyone is in awe about Hillary Swank and I am torn. She is beautiful and her attitude seems very cool. That dress was really gorgeous and yet really ugly at the same time. Her breasts looked old and saggy in it. But her back looked like a million bucks. I’m glad she won though, and I’m glad Jamie Fox won too, both seemed quite humbled and it seemed like Oscar actually did something right last night. But poor Chad Lowe.
Of course I can’t forget about the men….oh Sean Penn I am so sorry that a side affect of playing a retard in a movie has now actually made you a retard. That’s too bad.
Mr. Banderas, there’s this invention, it came out decades ago, it’s called shampoo. Did anyone else think that song was so out of place and embarrassingly horrible? I can’t believe it won! I guess Oscar felt the need to placate to the Latinos this year. "If we get them with a bullshit song, then we won;t have to give JLo a best actress nod next year!"
Okay why do these skits with a real actor and a cartoon? We all know cartoons and humans can’t really talk to each other. And the only actor willing enough to do this embarrassing shtick is Remington Steele, I mean Pierce Bronson. Um you sounded like hell, your career can’t be that bad that bronchitis or not you’ll still hang out with a snippy cartoon!
Poor Leonardo DeCrap-io, he had to sit next to that Victoria’s Secret Sheet Set all night, I bet he was getting sleepy. And Mr. Depp, oh you’re so weird and eccentric and yet I love you!
All and all Oscar could have done better. Why not have Oprah host? I mean there is no point of her being there anyway, but if she’s hosting she won’t look so out of place. And she’s got some class, right? She could have worked that and the evening would not have come off so cheaply… but I guess it’s not up to me, after all I am still wearing yesterday’s pajamas and it’s 5:45 in the evening! So who am I to talk really? But before I go I will leave you with this one last thought, the true disgrace of Oscar, and maybe I just missed it, but I don’t think so. During the “In Memory” Spiel, why did Oscar forget to mention Johnny Carson?
Well I think I just saw the poor man’s Oscar show.
What happened to the glamour?
What happened to the class?
It all started with Chris Rock’s boring stand-up bit that just oozed mediocre, easy and self-absorbed. Note to Mr. Rock: apparently it’s your thing to shout, you must like the sound of your own voice very much, but we can hear you!
While I’m handing out advice, here’s some for the Oscar camera crew: Just because Chris Rock says the word 'black' does not mean you must pan on the faces of all four black people that attended the event last night. I can only imagine what it’s like in the control room at the Oscars: “Rock just said ‘black’, quick shoot over to Morgan Freeman, good now to Halle! Get Oprah get Oprah!” Nice….”
Billy Crystal has made Oscar glittery and brilliant with his amazing dance and song numbers; What did Chris do? He shouted and wasted everyone’s time. He made jokes that only added to the cheapness of the night, i.e. “Everyone will enjoy these next four presenters Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Classy.
Speaking of, did anyone notice the tension between these two Latina Mamas? I was certain that if the two of them had to speak their broken English a minute longer, Salma was going to knock Penelope on the ground. All they needed was Jenny from the Block to provide the mud for their catfight.
But back to Oscar-Light, why oh why bring out the nominees on the stage, or why go into the audience to present awards? Rock’s only saving grace of the night was calling Oscar out on that bull-crap move, “Next year they’ll be handing out Oscars in the parking lot, you can get an Oscar and a McFlurry to go…” So true! I mean they would not have dared had the best actor or actress nominees stand up there together waiting…and then looking so sad and foolish when their name wasn’t called. Tacky!
And then there was the fashion, or lack thereof! Did anyone notice if they were taking prom pictures upon entering the theatre?
I thought everyone looked washed out and tired.... the only woman that looked stunning was Beyonce and wow when did she learn French? Her performances were SO good! She looked so beautiful and glam, the only bad thing that I could possibly say about Beyonce is that at one moment, during her duet with Josh Groban, her hair sort of resembled yarn.
Everyone else needed jewelry and bronzer. And to let their hair down! Why have all this hair if only to twist into to a knot in the back of your head? Hi Renee I’m talking to you, oh and girl eat a steak, please.
One woman that knows how to wear her hair extensions is Miss. Fashion-Icon Halle Berry. But um, Hal it's time to leave the one strap, chiffon numbers alone already! Seriously it’s like she wears a version of the same dress all the time! Yes she looks good, but it’s become so basic, so predictable, who cares? And actually that chiffon on her right boob was pillowy next to the other one, it made her left boob look insey-weensey. Oh Halle, if you're reading this no need to get upset and drink a bunch, you'll probably just end up doing another hit and run and that's not good.... Kate Winslet can join the club on the roster of predictability, sure she looked pretty, but I wouldn’t look twice at her…unless of course if she was African American and Rock said the word black again. Oh and what was with the color blue? Hello 1989!
What's with fat Julia Roberts? Yes I know she squeezed out satan’s spawn (well come on, they're babies of Julia!) but this is Hollywood! Get svelte already! And again, pasty white, lacking jewels, knotty hair, and chunky arms to boot! Okay it seems I really dislike this woman…Well look at her behavior! Clint gets the award for best director and this ridiculous woman, who is so obviously freaking out that she’s going to now be out of the spotlight, does this whole lipstick thing with him just to show us how funny and adorable and great she is? What? Julia it’s NOT your moment, get out of the camera and get your fat arms to the gym. Remember she did the same thing to Denzel a few years back? But instead of wiping off her lipstick she just straddled him? Nice.
Okay I’ll say something kind, Kirsten Dunst looked great! Really. She usually looks like a smelly hippy, but she cleaned up well last night.
Everyone is in awe about Hillary Swank and I am torn. She is beautiful and her attitude seems very cool. That dress was really gorgeous and yet really ugly at the same time. Her breasts looked old and saggy in it. But her back looked like a million bucks. I’m glad she won though, and I’m glad Jamie Fox won too, both seemed quite humbled and it seemed like Oscar actually did something right last night. But poor Chad Lowe.
Of course I can’t forget about the men….oh Sean Penn I am so sorry that a side affect of playing a retard in a movie has now actually made you a retard. That’s too bad.
Mr. Banderas, there’s this invention, it came out decades ago, it’s called shampoo. Did anyone else think that song was so out of place and embarrassingly horrible? I can’t believe it won! I guess Oscar felt the need to placate to the Latinos this year. "If we get them with a bullshit song, then we won;t have to give JLo a best actress nod next year!"
Okay why do these skits with a real actor and a cartoon? We all know cartoons and humans can’t really talk to each other. And the only actor willing enough to do this embarrassing shtick is Remington Steele, I mean Pierce Bronson. Um you sounded like hell, your career can’t be that bad that bronchitis or not you’ll still hang out with a snippy cartoon!
Poor Leonardo DeCrap-io, he had to sit next to that Victoria’s Secret Sheet Set all night, I bet he was getting sleepy. And Mr. Depp, oh you’re so weird and eccentric and yet I love you!
All and all Oscar could have done better. Why not have Oprah host? I mean there is no point of her being there anyway, but if she’s hosting she won’t look so out of place. And she’s got some class, right? She could have worked that and the evening would not have come off so cheaply… but I guess it’s not up to me, after all I am still wearing yesterday’s pajamas and it’s 5:45 in the evening! So who am I to talk really? But before I go I will leave you with this one last thought, the true disgrace of Oscar, and maybe I just missed it, but I don’t think so. During the “In Memory” Spiel, why did Oscar forget to mention Johnny Carson?
Friday, February 04, 2005
Procrastination Rules!
As some of you may or may not know, aside from hustling tips at the Duke of Perth, and doing this acting stuff, I also freelance write. Well I have a story due tomorrow, 2000 words are needed, I believe I'm on word 601. Currently I'm procrastinating by doing what I do best: Being self-indulgent.
So a friend suggested that I post this story that I wrote about three years ago. Here I go!!!!
Enjoy!
Oh and it's 100% true. (oh and beware of the pukey writing style, it was years ago, rememebr, but still a fun story!)
A Semi-Inconspicuous Brassiere at The Parsnip County Shindig!
By Jolene Turner
My friend Dennis, an actor in town, invited me to a showing of his interactive play, The Parsnip County Shindig. This was definitely interactive theater at its best-or worst, depending on your attitude. Dennis, a sweet, upstanding man told me that this was one "not to miss." Although I'm not a huge fan of interactive theater, I am actress, so I understood the importance of supporting a friend's work, especially when a complimentary ticket accompanies it! Not knowing full well what I was getting myself into I was at least armed with Kristin, another compassionate actress, and a freshly poured creamy Guinness. Kristin and I decided it’d be best to leave our well-known killer cynicism at the door.
Upon entering the Shindig we were requested to dress up and become members of one of the families that inhabited Parsnip County. Kristin and I were soon transported from sleek, sophisticated city girls to two of Parsnip County's best, Tinka Snartemo and Gudrun Snartemo. As 20-year-old Tinka, I was the youngest Snartemo, very sweet, yet very naïve; Kristin was Gudrun, my smart and secretly pregnant, motherly sister-in-law. Donning floral wreaths, wrapped around our noggins, and cotton aprons covering our cute urban ensembles, Gudrun and I officially, and finally entered the Parsnip County Shindig!
The evening began with ridiculous square dances, polkas and the Doe-Si-Doe. There were fiddlers, games, contests, and, of course, parsnips galore. The first character I see of course is Dennis, now Soren Snartemo, my older brother. We greet one another as long lost friends. At first I was skeptical to thoroughly jump into the Shindig and "interact" with the real Parsnip County residents, the rehearsed actors. For one reason, as an actress myself, I do this nearly everyday in rehearsal and for a second, more embarrassing reason, this was not an escape for me, but rather a test. Suddenly my often-touted improv skills and apparent talent for transforming into character was on the line; Every insecurity inside of me squelched.
And then all it took was one quick glimpse of Gudrun, in full character yelping, "these are some mighty fine parsnips, don't-cha-know?" next to our other transformed Snartemo family members, looking horrified, and I suddenly became Tinka Snartemo. Secretly inside I was thanking God that sweet Tinka’s character description included her inability to hold lengthy conversations and her perpetual desire to smile. Grinning like a kitten that just discovered catnip, I was soon dancing up a storm with Soren, Gudrun and a sleuth of Parsnip county residents.
Two hours, five ho-downs and one session of bad Parsnip County poetry later, Gudrun and I realized it was time to relieve ourselves from the now much appreciated, and quickly moving Guinness. In the lady's room we chitchatted about the Shindig, our secret desire to leave, and my big dilemma: My evil bra darting its wiry, fabric-laden support into my delicate sternum.
I cried out, "that's it! I've had it! This damn bra is killing me!" So I asked Gudrun if she thought it'd be inappropriate if I just take it off. We both decided it was late in the evening and I was in too much pain to consider what's "appropriate", so off went the bra! Unfortunately my purse was in the other room, but resourceful woman that I am, I knew I could come up with a plan. Within moments my bra was wrapped up neatly and concealed tightly under my apron strings-no one would ever know! We left the lady's room, me feeling quite fantastic, and Gudrun feeling hungry; it was time for a jolt of sugar. Stopping at the concession to ogle over the freshly baked cookies, Gudrun got a twinkle in her eye, and with even quicker wit than my bra dilemma, she activated her sweet charm. In a flash she slyly tricked the refreshment counter men into providing us with day-old cookies for free as opposed to the fresh ones for $1.25. I am pleased with Gudrun's quick-witted thinking. After all we are starving actresses.
With bellies full of chocolate and cooked dough we returned to the Parsnip County Shindig just in time for the crowning of the Parsnip Royalty, including this year's Parsnip County Princess! Elated with the thought of my crowning glory, I smiled even bigger! As Miss City girl I may have some insecurities, but as Tinka Snartemo I was one confident dame. As we waited to hear the winners, I planned my acceptance speech. I decided there was only one way to accept the crown of Parsnip County Princess-Halle Berry style! Finally the moment arrived and actor Ben Chadwick, playing Ralph "Buddy" Concourse, said: "And this year's Parsnip County Princess is...Gudrun Snartemo!”
Gudrun Snartemo?! What!? Wait a Minute! I'm the sweet one! I'm single. I'm not pregnant! And I'm the Grand Prize Winner for this year's Best Baked Goods County Contest for goodness sakes! What just happened? So I did the "Halle Berry" anyway.
Sweet, good Gudrun walked nervously, yet so modestly, to accept her new royal status, and I sat in the background balling at the top of my lungs. Gudrun accepted her crown in style and announced her new home and pregnancy with husband Steve. The County was excited and pleased with her good fortune. I could have cared less.
The ceremony was soon over and now it was time to dance! Princess Gudrun let me hold her beautiful crown, only for a moment, and as my sadness dwindled we grabbed our dancing partners for the final Parsnip County dance of the night. We Doe-Si-Doed, played follow the leader, swung one another, and grooved until our heart's content. The dancing eventually winded down and our faces were flushed with the excitement of fiddler men and polka music. We began to turn in our Parsnip County accessories one by one and slowly slip back into our 2002 city selves.
Back in black and a little less cynical, I looked forward to retreating to a bar for an evening drink, or two, and then it hit me: Where the hell is my bra?! Suddenly all my happiness and joy was gone, I shifted from sweet, fun dancing girl to psycho-find-my-bra girl. Frantically I tore through the clothing pieces of Parsnip County and I grabbed Kristin. Speechless, I pointed at the clothes, I could not vocalize the words that needed to be said. Finally in a scratchy whisper I confessed, "my bra! my bra!" Kristin, knowing full well what has happened, simply looked at me, smiled and instantaneously laughed. Then a wonderful thing happened. My anxiety slipped into laughter as well, uncontrollable lively laughter, "What the hell was I thinking?"
Realizing it's gone, and dreadfully embarrassed, I decided the best thing to do was just get out of there before someone finds it, after all the thing gave me much pain, why would I want it back? But then I realized I had to say ‘hello, good job and goodbye’ to Dennis. As he walked up to greet me, Kristin and I were still engulfed in wild laughter, and my insecurities were in full bloom. He asked what is so funny, I somewhat composingly replied: "Oh nothing...really, just my costume got messed up."
He wanted to know full details. But, you see, I couldn’t have innocent, sweet Dennis know that my bra is somewhere on the set and not where it should be, hugging my bosoms! I quickly changed the subject. Success! Dennis and I chitchatted, while Kristin scanned the dance floor. The bra was nowhere. But I calmed down. It will be okay, I thought. No it won’t! I tore through the accessories again, nothing, and a buzz of actors and friends joked amongst us as we began our final good byes.
Kristin and I inspected the remains of the Parsnip County Shindig one last time. Could it be in the Town Hall? At the parsnip sculpting booth? Or, gulp, in someone’s perplexed hands? This thought is too overwhelming, I had to give up, I began to leave and then I heard it, the boisterous screech of an actress, "So whose brassiere was that on the dance floor?"
Consecutively I shrieked, Kristin laughed and Dennis’ pure little head whipped around with jaw-dropped, eyes bulged and fingers pointed, and then he uttered, "is that yours?" Flustered I lied, "no! No! God, NO!" It was too late, in his heart he knew the truth and soon everyone would! They would know that my modest bazookas were unsupported and humiliated as I was with the thought that there, now on the stage, was MY bra! My sad green-colored, off brand bra. There was nothing I could do, but take a tip from my evenings alter-ego Tinka, I smiled stupidly and didn’t say a word.
Finally I ran far from the Parsnip County Shindig, holding my loose breasts so as to keep them from swinging. I ran deep back into the city, where I could remain anonymous, enjoy another Guinness, revel in learning the Doe-Si-Doe, and smile broadly, as myself, the foolish girl who thought she could go braless and get away with it.
So a friend suggested that I post this story that I wrote about three years ago. Here I go!!!!
Enjoy!
Oh and it's 100% true. (oh and beware of the pukey writing style, it was years ago, rememebr, but still a fun story!)
A Semi-Inconspicuous Brassiere at The Parsnip County Shindig!
By Jolene Turner
My friend Dennis, an actor in town, invited me to a showing of his interactive play, The Parsnip County Shindig. This was definitely interactive theater at its best-or worst, depending on your attitude. Dennis, a sweet, upstanding man told me that this was one "not to miss." Although I'm not a huge fan of interactive theater, I am actress, so I understood the importance of supporting a friend's work, especially when a complimentary ticket accompanies it! Not knowing full well what I was getting myself into I was at least armed with Kristin, another compassionate actress, and a freshly poured creamy Guinness. Kristin and I decided it’d be best to leave our well-known killer cynicism at the door.
Upon entering the Shindig we were requested to dress up and become members of one of the families that inhabited Parsnip County. Kristin and I were soon transported from sleek, sophisticated city girls to two of Parsnip County's best, Tinka Snartemo and Gudrun Snartemo. As 20-year-old Tinka, I was the youngest Snartemo, very sweet, yet very naïve; Kristin was Gudrun, my smart and secretly pregnant, motherly sister-in-law. Donning floral wreaths, wrapped around our noggins, and cotton aprons covering our cute urban ensembles, Gudrun and I officially, and finally entered the Parsnip County Shindig!
The evening began with ridiculous square dances, polkas and the Doe-Si-Doe. There were fiddlers, games, contests, and, of course, parsnips galore. The first character I see of course is Dennis, now Soren Snartemo, my older brother. We greet one another as long lost friends. At first I was skeptical to thoroughly jump into the Shindig and "interact" with the real Parsnip County residents, the rehearsed actors. For one reason, as an actress myself, I do this nearly everyday in rehearsal and for a second, more embarrassing reason, this was not an escape for me, but rather a test. Suddenly my often-touted improv skills and apparent talent for transforming into character was on the line; Every insecurity inside of me squelched.
And then all it took was one quick glimpse of Gudrun, in full character yelping, "these are some mighty fine parsnips, don't-cha-know?" next to our other transformed Snartemo family members, looking horrified, and I suddenly became Tinka Snartemo. Secretly inside I was thanking God that sweet Tinka’s character description included her inability to hold lengthy conversations and her perpetual desire to smile. Grinning like a kitten that just discovered catnip, I was soon dancing up a storm with Soren, Gudrun and a sleuth of Parsnip county residents.
Two hours, five ho-downs and one session of bad Parsnip County poetry later, Gudrun and I realized it was time to relieve ourselves from the now much appreciated, and quickly moving Guinness. In the lady's room we chitchatted about the Shindig, our secret desire to leave, and my big dilemma: My evil bra darting its wiry, fabric-laden support into my delicate sternum.
I cried out, "that's it! I've had it! This damn bra is killing me!" So I asked Gudrun if she thought it'd be inappropriate if I just take it off. We both decided it was late in the evening and I was in too much pain to consider what's "appropriate", so off went the bra! Unfortunately my purse was in the other room, but resourceful woman that I am, I knew I could come up with a plan. Within moments my bra was wrapped up neatly and concealed tightly under my apron strings-no one would ever know! We left the lady's room, me feeling quite fantastic, and Gudrun feeling hungry; it was time for a jolt of sugar. Stopping at the concession to ogle over the freshly baked cookies, Gudrun got a twinkle in her eye, and with even quicker wit than my bra dilemma, she activated her sweet charm. In a flash she slyly tricked the refreshment counter men into providing us with day-old cookies for free as opposed to the fresh ones for $1.25. I am pleased with Gudrun's quick-witted thinking. After all we are starving actresses.
With bellies full of chocolate and cooked dough we returned to the Parsnip County Shindig just in time for the crowning of the Parsnip Royalty, including this year's Parsnip County Princess! Elated with the thought of my crowning glory, I smiled even bigger! As Miss City girl I may have some insecurities, but as Tinka Snartemo I was one confident dame. As we waited to hear the winners, I planned my acceptance speech. I decided there was only one way to accept the crown of Parsnip County Princess-Halle Berry style! Finally the moment arrived and actor Ben Chadwick, playing Ralph "Buddy" Concourse, said: "And this year's Parsnip County Princess is...Gudrun Snartemo!”
Gudrun Snartemo?! What!? Wait a Minute! I'm the sweet one! I'm single. I'm not pregnant! And I'm the Grand Prize Winner for this year's Best Baked Goods County Contest for goodness sakes! What just happened? So I did the "Halle Berry" anyway.
Sweet, good Gudrun walked nervously, yet so modestly, to accept her new royal status, and I sat in the background balling at the top of my lungs. Gudrun accepted her crown in style and announced her new home and pregnancy with husband Steve. The County was excited and pleased with her good fortune. I could have cared less.
The ceremony was soon over and now it was time to dance! Princess Gudrun let me hold her beautiful crown, only for a moment, and as my sadness dwindled we grabbed our dancing partners for the final Parsnip County dance of the night. We Doe-Si-Doed, played follow the leader, swung one another, and grooved until our heart's content. The dancing eventually winded down and our faces were flushed with the excitement of fiddler men and polka music. We began to turn in our Parsnip County accessories one by one and slowly slip back into our 2002 city selves.
Back in black and a little less cynical, I looked forward to retreating to a bar for an evening drink, or two, and then it hit me: Where the hell is my bra?! Suddenly all my happiness and joy was gone, I shifted from sweet, fun dancing girl to psycho-find-my-bra girl. Frantically I tore through the clothing pieces of Parsnip County and I grabbed Kristin. Speechless, I pointed at the clothes, I could not vocalize the words that needed to be said. Finally in a scratchy whisper I confessed, "my bra! my bra!" Kristin, knowing full well what has happened, simply looked at me, smiled and instantaneously laughed. Then a wonderful thing happened. My anxiety slipped into laughter as well, uncontrollable lively laughter, "What the hell was I thinking?"
Realizing it's gone, and dreadfully embarrassed, I decided the best thing to do was just get out of there before someone finds it, after all the thing gave me much pain, why would I want it back? But then I realized I had to say ‘hello, good job and goodbye’ to Dennis. As he walked up to greet me, Kristin and I were still engulfed in wild laughter, and my insecurities were in full bloom. He asked what is so funny, I somewhat composingly replied: "Oh nothing...really, just my costume got messed up."
He wanted to know full details. But, you see, I couldn’t have innocent, sweet Dennis know that my bra is somewhere on the set and not where it should be, hugging my bosoms! I quickly changed the subject. Success! Dennis and I chitchatted, while Kristin scanned the dance floor. The bra was nowhere. But I calmed down. It will be okay, I thought. No it won’t! I tore through the accessories again, nothing, and a buzz of actors and friends joked amongst us as we began our final good byes.
Kristin and I inspected the remains of the Parsnip County Shindig one last time. Could it be in the Town Hall? At the parsnip sculpting booth? Or, gulp, in someone’s perplexed hands? This thought is too overwhelming, I had to give up, I began to leave and then I heard it, the boisterous screech of an actress, "So whose brassiere was that on the dance floor?"
Consecutively I shrieked, Kristin laughed and Dennis’ pure little head whipped around with jaw-dropped, eyes bulged and fingers pointed, and then he uttered, "is that yours?" Flustered I lied, "no! No! God, NO!" It was too late, in his heart he knew the truth and soon everyone would! They would know that my modest bazookas were unsupported and humiliated as I was with the thought that there, now on the stage, was MY bra! My sad green-colored, off brand bra. There was nothing I could do, but take a tip from my evenings alter-ego Tinka, I smiled stupidly and didn’t say a word.
Finally I ran far from the Parsnip County Shindig, holding my loose breasts so as to keep them from swinging. I ran deep back into the city, where I could remain anonymous, enjoy another Guinness, revel in learning the Doe-Si-Doe, and smile broadly, as myself, the foolish girl who thought she could go braless and get away with it.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
I Graduated and I Have the T-Shirt to Prove It!
Well it's official, I'm a graduate of the Second City Conservatory Program.
After 16 months of good times, bad times, crazy times, learning times, unlearning times, funny times, sunny times, sneaky times, psychotic times...oh I could go on forever, really.... basically I did it...wait I already told you that.
Well anyway vast amounts of candy, congratulatory cards and flowers can now be sent my way as last Monday we performed our final graduation show to a crowd of SNL and MadTV producers, directors and recruits...ah yes I am off to NYC tomorrow...ta-ta Dahlings.....yeah um let me rephrase that to the truth: last Monday we performed our final graduation show to a crowd of highschool kids, diehard improvisers, proud parents and actors friends..... I'm off to nowhere, well except maybe to IO or Annoyance.....
Okay yes you want to know, now what Jolene?
Well actually I've decided to give up on this performing thing, go back to the MN and get a real job! Yeah I know... Oh My God I'm SO Kidding!!!!!!!!!!
After 16 months of good times, bad times, crazy times, learning times, unlearning times, funny times, sunny times, sneaky times, psychotic times...oh I could go on forever, really.... basically I did it...wait I already told you that.
Well anyway vast amounts of candy, congratulatory cards and flowers can now be sent my way as last Monday we performed our final graduation show to a crowd of SNL and MadTV producers, directors and recruits...ah yes I am off to NYC tomorrow...ta-ta Dahlings.....yeah um let me rephrase that to the truth: last Monday we performed our final graduation show to a crowd of highschool kids, diehard improvisers, proud parents and actors friends..... I'm off to nowhere, well except maybe to IO or Annoyance.....
Okay yes you want to know, now what Jolene?
Well actually I've decided to give up on this performing thing, go back to the MN and get a real job! Yeah I know... Oh My God I'm SO Kidding!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
04 is SO Last Year
Heya.....
I have NOTHING to say except, I'm still here! There is NOTHING new with me, just gettin' by...waiting tables...freelance writing...even a little photography! Making mad cash in the matter of minutes of course! ;)
My show at Second City is performing every Monday until, GULP, the 24th!
TWO SHOWS LEFT!
Come and see me perform on the same stage as so many of the greats have perfomed on, such as Tina Fey, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Del Close, Bill Murray (btw, go see Life Aquatic,) Chris Farley, Amy Sedaris (If you haven't seen Strangers w/Candy yet, RENT IT!,) and on and on until someday some silly twit will write a similiar, just as boring blog, and add the name, Jolene Turner.
Shows start at 7:00 with three improv troupes and then two graduation shows, one is mine. A particular fav. scene of mine is the trials and tribulations of being a single cat-mom, dedicated to my dear Honey.
As for other performing news.... I'm still at the Improv Kitchen, until when who knows....this Friday were are doing a special Star Wars Improv Show for a group of Star Warries...yeah um do they have a name like Trekkies? Oh well, guess who's Princess Leia, oh hell yeah!!!!!!!! Good thing I didn't cut my hair! Hmmmm I wonder what handsome co-improviser will be Hans Solo?
Okay I am off for now, must get sellin' those Fish and Chips, as it is all you can eat fish and chips Wednesay..... interested in checking out my latest freelance article? Go to http://www.performink.com/Framesets/2frmBody.html
I have NOTHING to say except, I'm still here! There is NOTHING new with me, just gettin' by...waiting tables...freelance writing...even a little photography! Making mad cash in the matter of minutes of course! ;)
My show at Second City is performing every Monday until, GULP, the 24th!
TWO SHOWS LEFT!
Come and see me perform on the same stage as so many of the greats have perfomed on, such as Tina Fey, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Del Close, Bill Murray (btw, go see Life Aquatic,) Chris Farley, Amy Sedaris (If you haven't seen Strangers w/Candy yet, RENT IT!,) and on and on until someday some silly twit will write a similiar, just as boring blog, and add the name, Jolene Turner.
Shows start at 7:00 with three improv troupes and then two graduation shows, one is mine. A particular fav. scene of mine is the trials and tribulations of being a single cat-mom, dedicated to my dear Honey.
As for other performing news.... I'm still at the Improv Kitchen, until when who knows....this Friday were are doing a special Star Wars Improv Show for a group of Star Warries...yeah um do they have a name like Trekkies? Oh well, guess who's Princess Leia, oh hell yeah!!!!!!!! Good thing I didn't cut my hair! Hmmmm I wonder what handsome co-improviser will be Hans Solo?
Okay I am off for now, must get sellin' those Fish and Chips, as it is all you can eat fish and chips Wednesay..... interested in checking out my latest freelance article? Go to http://www.performink.com/Framesets/2frmBody.html
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