Third Verse, Same as The Firs-VIOLENT FEMMES---and answers to the quotes

(Answers for the movie quote at end of this post.)


Oy Vey! As some of you may have seen in my last post (and can still see below) there is a silly photo of me as a child, which has ignited old memories…here I share with you some of those silly memories, starting with one of my very favorite memories taking place on a day way back when in the hot Missouri sun….

LAUGHING AND CRYING
As I said it was a hot and sunny day in Missouri, I was probably five or six. My brother and I were “helping” my Gramps garden. Basically that entailed me getting wheel barrel rides while my brother hunted for snakes. Being from Minnesota, seeing a snake was rare, so whenever we visited Granny & Gramps in little Monett, Missouri, my brother went hunting for snakes—after all his dream was to be a snake-catcher. My brother talked non-stop about snakes, he was at the irritating age of eight, or nine. Gramps said he thought there was a snake under a pile of logs, and my brother should catch it and kill it as the snakes hurt his garden. I think my brother rejected the idea of killing the animal.

It was time to go get another batch of, um soil? So I hopped in the barrel and Gramps began to push to the “soil.” We approached a tree and there, right next to the trunk, lie a small garter snake, which I very clearly remember. It was about a foot long, small, orange with black stripes (Yes I have been told that is not the description of a garter snake, but whatever, that is what I saw.) In pure delight, joy, glee and fear of seeing something I had never seen before I screamed, “Snake!” Now what happens next still makes me laugh and, yet cry all at the same time. In absolute consecutive motions my brother came running , gramps lifted his hoe, my brother looked in awe, Gramps chopped the snake in two.

Or did he use his foot? Hmmm I’ll have to ask my bro about that one….anyway it was very tragic, and poetic. Part of me, most of me, felt sad for the snake, and mostly sad my brother. He was devastated. And of course part of me felt devilish happy, a little bit of me was laughing at my brother’s misfortunate. Hey I was a bratty little sister, what can I say? Well really though God Bless my Gramps, I mean he did say these snakes were hurting his gardens….plus the striped snake may have just been very poisonous. Gramps probably saved our lives.

FLOATING COWS
Lately I have been listening to old country music, which my parents used to play, well my Mom played. In reminiscing various songs, not all country, I found my old favorite song–and what a WEIRD song to be the favorite of a five-year-old child. It was Debby Boone’s You Light Up My Life. Have you heard this? It is actually quite morbid and sad sounding. I remember I had it on 45. The label was emblazoned with that cow logo that looked like it was floating in circular motions when you played it on your turntable. Well I played this song over and over, I even drew red stars on the label, that faded to pink, all to remind myself that this song was my very favorite. One day I was having a screaming tantrum, terribly upset about something, but I think I had done something bad and just gotten busted, because I remember running away from my Mom to hide, but all the while wailing. I raced into my room and slid behind my bed, right where I kept my 45’s and yup, my knee slammed right on top of the floating cows and faded red stars, snapping in half Debby’s beautiful, but haunting musical story… I was stunned. I remember instantly feeling karma for the first time ever, and as I slightly recall I think my Mom even pointed that out. I remember just feeling really sad and showing her, looking for instant sympathy and I think she might of said “well if you hadn’t tried to run and hide, that wouldn’t have happened….”
So true, so true.

NOW, I'M JUST A CUTE AND CREEEPY OLD LADY
So today I headed out of the EP Suites and was delighted to see my block decorated with red valentine helium-filled balloons and glitter hearts, even the giraffes and goats were merrily decorated, waiting for some statue love. I needed some fresh air so I walked down to the lake, after sufficiently bundling up. Once at the harbor I started watching the seagulls, or are they pigeons? You know those big, dirty rat-like white birds? Yeah well at one point I had thrown a stick out to see how frozen the water was and had noticed that the birds all flocked to the stick. Oh they thought it was bread. Okay so the next part of my story is proof that I am old, sad and creepy.

Feeling crappy for accidentally tricking these flying white rat things, I left the park and, gulp, went to the gas station where I purchased a loaf of rye cocktail bread, for three dollars no less! I wanted to make it up to the birds and give them a little bread… Well before I returned to the birds I walked over to the other part of the harbor that leads out to the main part of the lake. On my way back I notice some geese. Now why I decide to give these geese bread is beyond me, as I hate geese, they're vicious little psychotic nasty ostrich-like things…. But feeling bad that they are obviously looking for food I throw a little bread their way… MISTAKE. Within seconds the geese charge me. CHARGE. I felt like I was in Jurassic Park, except that I was really cold, on the edge of Illinois and exaggerating a little bit, but still I was freaked and I started running. Soon I ditched the nasty over sized birds and found the rat birds again. I merrily tossed the rest of my loaf to them and some passing ducks while I realized two things, A: I think this is illegal and B: I’m a loser.

THE ALL-NEW MATCH ‘EM EGGS!
Back to my being a weird child, I recall having quite the imagination, aside from believing that John Snyder, AKA Bo Duke, would jump out of my television and kiss me, I invented all sorts of shops, companies and festival games.
Such entities included the following:

---A dress shop, where I placed all my dresses up in the dining room and “sold them.” My imaginary shoppers LOVED my merchandise!

---A “business,” or company that I so uniquely named, “International Incorporated.” I was the owner of this company, but, and this still makes me cringe, I did not make myself the president, but rather the secretary to my imaginary male president. Ugh! What I was thinking? Who knows…

--And then, thankfully, from a more intelligent side of my brain I invented a carnival game where a player would pay 10 cents for the chance to win a nickel. This game was called the “All-New Match ‘Em Eggs.” The first “Match ‘Em Eggs” game was in my imagination. The game, I think was derived from my being “sent to my room,” for some creepy thing I did…. Since I couldn’t leave my room I would think of creative ways to get attention while abiding by the rules of staying put in my room. So I had a piece of cardboard that I decorated and placed outside my door. I stood behind the door, inside my room, and announced to passersby (Um yes that would be my Mom, brother and his friends) the “All New Match ‘Em Eggs” game was ready for players! The idea was, for 10 cents, you’d get the chance to choose a large plastic egg from a bag, open it, and, if the smaller egg inside matched the larger egg, then you’d be a lucky winner of a nickel!

My brother’s friends actually played this game.

So in keeping with my invention of games…. I present to you my latest “All New Movie Quotes” game, which is basically the same as the last two movie quote games.

Have Fun!

The “All New Movie Quotes” game, which is basically the same as the last two movie quote games. Simply read the quotes and tell me what movie it’s from, if you get all ten correct, you win a nickel! For funny stories, see after the game!


1. Ta ta ta ta ta day junior.
BILLY MADISON

2. Don’t touch that squirrel’s nuts.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

3. These matches are disappointing me.
200 CIGARRETTES

4. It’s for you Jim. It’s God.
THE DOORS

5. You didn’t screw up once!
AMERICAN BEAUTY

6. MANNIE!
RUN LOLA RUN

7. Juice by Sarah. Juice by Sarah.
REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

8. Oh he was, ah, a bit sunnier.
HIGH FIDELITY

9. No I’ll drink all the time.
MOULIN ROUGE

10. I don't want to convince my fiancée that she should be with me.
THE NOTEBOOK

The Cutest Little Creepy Girl in The World

Ooooh look at that CREEPY little girl! What a sinister little character, and sooooo scary! No no no funny, she is wearing a clown suit after all... haha she looks like she's getting ready to destroy the world and then retreat back to her 1970’s hideout! Tee-Hee.. oh I am being hard on her, I bet she is cool. I bet she grew up to be normal and love the color pink even though her Mom tried desperately to have her love the color green. I bet she DOES NOT dye her hair, after all, look what she was born with!

Okay yes that is me. But you already knew that…seriously I do look creepy though! Kind of scares me…It got me thinking about some stuff and then ultimately had me recall the nickname my mother and brother had for me, although my mom denies this… Mean Jo Green. It kind of fits considering the décor of my bedroom! But I can’t be too hard on my Mom, she did make those curtains, as well as that stunning clown costume! Love you Mom!

So my friend E tells me it’s time for another movie quote quiz. So get ready all, I’m in the works of putting together a new quiz and the winner will receive those curtains.

The BF is okay, and still severely gorgeous

Friends...family...do not worry my boyfriend is okay...he walked away from the crash just fine, you know why? Cuz he’s cool.

Oh yeah and severely gorgeous—just look at the photo of him, sent to me by my friend Eleise. She was hanging out smoking with him in London; She snapped this pic for me. For cute, right? Who saying smoking not cool? I love Cancer.

Dad, I'M KIDDING! Geez! It's called humor, really bad humor that I LOVE!!!!!!!!
By the way it is ironic that my baby is so conscious of what food he puts in his body, but still smokes…oh who cares…he looks hot.

By the way I am becoming quite obsessed with 80’s love ballads…Making Love out of Nothin’ at all…. Makin’ looooooove!!!!!! Out of nothin’ at all!!!!!

And let’s not forget this classic……Once upon a time I was fallin’ in love, but now I’m only falling apart, there’s nothing I can do…..a Total Eclipse of the Heart…..
Turn around bright eyes.....

Sarah Silverman is like INSANE Magic

Happy Monday, or not... I have been a little MIA as of late, posting quick pics of my boyfriend and then quickly running away to be with him, oh Jaoquin! He's so silly.... I mean right now he is asking me to get back to the couch to watch a movie, make-out and eat some cheese...oh he so respects the Taurus in me and I so respect the Vegan in him! I mean I only push Red Meat on him once a week rather than the twice a day thing I used to do....

OH! It's Oscar Season, so why not go check out a movie that is sooooo not Oscar-ish.... it's Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic... She is SO dirty! And SO funny and so super pretty, she looks just like my friend Katie! Lucky Katie!

Way to Go Baby!

Oooh look at my Baby! He won a Golden Globe!!!

As many of you know Joaquin and I are a HOT item...sadly I wasn't able to make it the awards ceremony...I was in Bali filming my latest flick.... But alas I did get a mani and a pedi and wore my fav. new vintage gown in the HOT HOT HOT sun just thinking about him and rootin' him on!

Personal note to my baby: When we are together again I will make you toast and give you a buzzard egg in honor of your award.

Good Fiction!

To answer Kim's question... that book is:

The Dogs of Babel, by Carolyn Parkhurst
I LOVED THIS BOOK!

Other great reads that have stuck with me...
Book of Ruth, by Jane Hamilton
The Big Love, by Sarah Dunn
Rocket City, by Cathryn Alpert
And, of course, The Lovely Bones, by Anne Sebolt

In regard to Frey and a Million LIttle Pieces...I literally finished this book the night before Smoking Gun's allegations went public...whatever the truth is, I don't care...I definitely got a lot out of that book. It made me in tune with myself and feel some deep emotions...as a writer/storyteller I can see where things may get embellished, I can somewhat forgive this...hopefully stuff was not completely made up, but we will just have to wait and see... in the meantime I am not going to discredit anything....no matter, I feel the book has had a positive impact on my own way of thinking....


Happy Reading!

Can I hug you?

Oh My...I just finished the book that everyone has been talking about, thanks to Oprah... A Million Little Pieces by James Frey...I remember seeing this book at the bookstore way back when...the pretty cover and candy-covered hand was certainly an attention getter...

Posted by Jolenetur

It looked interesting, but heavy....months later Oprah is going on about it and before you know it I am seeing it in the hands of almost every Reader on the El..... then I come home and my Mom has it...Oh Oprah! So I did what any daughter would do...I snapped it up from my Mom and started reading... my feelings towards Frey's story is indescribable.. I am heart-broken and yet lifted. Without the intention of sounding like Oprah, seriously if you have thought about reading this book, or need a new read, PLEASE do yourself a favor and pick up this book. I want to hug you all, I want to hug James… The other day while finishing up work at the restaurant I met this woman at the bar. She had said that all she did for the day was read, she had just finished this book. I told her I had a little left to go and was already floored by the book and for a brief moment we bonded. Then just as I left this now, not-as-strange, stranger said good-bye told me to go home and finish the book. Then she said but first, “Give me a Hug.”
I understand why….

Oh-Six!

Where is everyone going? Today I saw people leaving their apartments with suitcases. Is everyone already going on spring break, or is Chi-town not the place to be right now? Aaah but I am stuck here in the freezing tundra...however it did rain today, another sign of spring? I do hope!

Well another year has gone by and we are onto 06. At the stroke of midnight January 1, 2006 I was counting money. A good sign? Let’s hope, because just a few hours thereafter I got an unexpected visit from Aunt Flo. Whatever does that mean? Oh sorry, I think I just TMI-ed you all! Whatever! Happy New Year! But sadly I am not feeling strong about 06. I feel strong about 07, not 06; this worries me. I think it’s just that I don’t like the number 6 and I love the number 7. I do get the weirdest notions stuck in my head…which leads me to another anecdote…

What is my New Year's Resolution, you wonder? Okay I don’t really do these things, but after being asked the resolution question one too many times I decided I should indeed make a resolution. So I decided 2006 is the year that I no longer pick up pennies and will not feel guilty about not doing so. For what seems like forever I have picked up random pennies on the sidewalk, in restaurants, even, gulp, in public restrooms! I have held onto the idea that ignoring a penny is disrespecting the government, disrespecting financial responsibility and, even disrespecting God… I have often found myself stopping in the middle of busy intersections to snatch up a penny, sticking my fingers in the muck of a Boystown sidewalk for the brassy coin and balancing shopping bags, my phone and purse all so I can feel like a good person and get that penny!

But this habit of mine, or actually obsession is gross, and unhealthy, physically and mentally, I think…so there you have it I am no longer going to be grasping for that loose penny! Wow it feels good just thinking about it.

There is a place where time stands still...

"Raindrops hang motionless in air. Pendulums of clocks float mid-swing....As a traveler approaches this place from any direction, he moves more and more slowly..."



It is 1905 in Berne, Switzerland. A young patent clerk has been dreaming marvelous dreams about the nature of time. He is Albert Einstein and he has almost finished his special theory of relativity. What were his dreams like those last pivotal few months?

Here an evening of fables conjures up as many theoretical realms of time, dreamt in as many nights. In one world time is circular, its people fated to repeat triumph and trial over and over and over again...in another, men and women try to capture time-which appears as a nightingale-in a bell jar... in yet another, there is no time, only frozen moments. These worlds are Einstein's Dreams.

From PerformInk

PI ONLINE:
10-28-05

A Writer Dives into a New Challenge
BY JOLENE TURNER
On a crisp Saturday in October, four actors and four writers, all strangers to one another, gathered on Chicago’s West side for a frightening, yet exhilarating, new challenge: meet one another, get randomly paired up, take 35 minutes to create a monologue based on a line of literature, then perform it immediately thereafter.

This is “Monodogs of War: Literature 201,” the new monologue challenge created by n.u.f.a.n. Ensemble artistic director Paul Barile. The idea is, the writers do the writing, the actors do the acting, and the audience gets to watch cool improv shows and musical reviews while waiting for the writers and actors to reappear with a new piece of witty and dramatic theatre.

Barile began “Monodogs of War” for two reasons: as a networking opportunity for actors and writers to better understand one another’s processes; and to be a friendly competition between like-minded artists. The name derived from the second reason–‘mono’ was used because of the word monologue, and the rest of it, ‘dogs of war,’ to imply fierce battle.

Saturday’s performance was the second of its kind and I was asked to cover it for PerformInk. Before I even saw it coming, I was also participating in it as a Monodog writer, and an undercover PI reporter, with Barile the only one the wiser.

What Did I get Myself Into?

When I received the assignment I was game, but confused. “What exactly am I doing?” I asked Barile in an e-mail, I received a simple reply back: “Just bring yourself and be prepared to have fun.”

OK, gulp.

The day arrives and I am running late. Not good. “Monodogs” is held at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, where n.u.f.a.n.is the resident company. This lovely arts center is located in the old Nebo Lutheran Church at 5801 W. Dakin St. (near Irving and Central). The director of the center, Jennifer La Civita, is there to greet me and calm me down when I rush in a few minutes late. I peek inside at what was once the alter, and there is Barile talking to seven people. This is not what I expected. I presume not what Barile expected, either.

“The first show,” Barile tells me later, “we had a really good sized audience and improv troupes, tonight, though, is obviously a different story.”

Do I need to say it? White Sox. OK, seven people, I‘m still nervous and still clueless. Barile begins to give a run-down of what will happen. The actors will be called to draw a writer’s name. The writer will then draw a line of dialogue, which has to be used somewhere in the monologue. The two will exit together and create magic.

OK, I can do this! Magic? No biggie! The actor I am paired up with is a 20-something woman. Relief, I think! I can write for a 20-something woman. For the sake of keeping all identities private, I call her Lucy. I draw my line of dialogue: “I‘ve never been arrested. I‘ve been stopped, searched and had a gun put to my head by the Chicago cops.”—Tim Meadows.

OK, that quote is not very girly.

Time to Work! Um, I Mean Sweat

Barile says that the program, more important than the actual performance, is a chance for actors and playwrights to do some networking. While that is all well and nice, I want to write something good, and I have my game face on. Lucy and I go to an adjacent room. I begin the mad panic of writing while Lucy flips about on a tumble mat just a few feet away. We try and chitchat, but I am too tense to give her my attention. I realize I am letting my art become more important than making a new friend. I finish with just about 13 minutes left for Lucy to work with it and become the kleptomaniac character I have just created.

Times Up!

The 35-minute bell has rung and as we join the other group, Lucy says to me, “I‘m going to go a completely random angle with this and see what happens.” What? OK. Now Barile also says that the idea is the actor will perform the monologue and the writer will wring her hands of it and pray for the best. Is a racing heart similar to wringing my hands of it?

Lucy and I sit down in the pew and I thank God (pun intended) that this isn‘t a church anymore as my monologue is not God-friendly. The first actor performs and it is at that point that I get it. “Monodogs of War” really isn‘t about being the best. It is an opportunity to learn, support one another and be surrounded by some really great talent that is now so accessible. Lucy did a great job, and while her performance was not what I expected, it was a wake-up call that words have different meaning to different people.

Everyone’s work and willingness to try was impressive. We even got a second round! I felt all warm and mushy inside, until I was paired with a larger than life 6’ 4” male actor, completely opposite of myself. How do I write for him? I began to sweat all over again.

It’s a Wrap!

By the end of the night I had a list of questions ready to throw at Barile. One was: “Have you ever thought of bringing ‘Monodogs’ to the east side of town?’ The second after I wrote it, Barile said, “Thanks for coming and we will bring theatre to Chicago’s west side whether it kills me or not!” OK, scratch that question. But what does Barile mean by that?

“If you want to see good theatre you either go east or you go to Naperville,” Barille says, “and suburban theatre is just a different animal that we are not going to do.” Barile continues, “There is a ton of great theatre east of here and I don‘t want to compete with them. I want to support them, but people in this area are not as likely to go out east, so we are here for them.”

The only thing now is getting “Monodogs” off its feet. Like any new program, it may take time, but Barile is hopeful. And while it hasn‘t become much of a form of fierce competition, Barile is OK with that. “I‘m letting it become its own beast,” he says.

Barile also has a good attitude in regard to those that want to participate. “If you don‘t have the experience but you have the enthusiasm, I‘ll give you as shot, and if you succeed, I‘ll give you another shot.”

“Monodogs of War: Literature 201” will be performed again in February at the Portage Park Center for the Arts, 5801 W. Dakin St. Chicago (in the old Nebo Lutheran Church). Ticket price is $3 or 2-4-$5. To be a participating writer or actor, contact Paul Barile at 773/282-0344, or by e-mail, paulbarile@juno.com.

I Shoud Have Predicted This

A few months ago my way beautiful and super generous and ultra cool and way fantastic friend Riki got me a fun writing gig through a magazine she used to work for, a lifestyle magazine based in Coral Springs, Fl. The gig was writing the magazine's horoscopes!

Now as a freelance writer I pretty much take any job I can get. With that attitude I have written some interesting articles, from theatre pieces for PerformInk to an article on ergonomics for the certified medical professional community.... oh such big words! Did I sound smart!!???

Well you can imagine my surprise and delight when Riki asked me to do the mag's horoscopes, with the exception that my first set of scopes, while I'd be paid and they'd be published, it would be considered a trial for the editor-in-chief...so I sent off my first set of scopes and heard back that the editor was laughing her ass off and it was 'exactly' what she wanted! So it seemed official, for the minute, I was Xena Torchwood, horoscope writer. Okay I chose a pen name because I didn't want people googling me for my astrological credentials! The pen name itself is another story....

ANYWAY bla bla bla my point, after two months, and after Riki had left the magazine I was let go as the horoscope girl.
I never saw it coming. Weird, huh?

Well apparently the editor became concerned that my scopes were "too negative." Some Coral Springs' folks actually, supposedly, took the time to call the magazine and say they were upset by the negativity of the scopes...okay first off, people its astrology! Now I love astrology just as much as the next wiccan-freak-ouiji-board-player, but come-on, everyone knows that astrology is only true when the scope says something great or fabulous and so wrong when it strikes that inner-oh-my God is that true cord? Second, who calls a poorly edited (yes that was mean, but true, only after Riki left of course, seriously, very true) glossy, fashion mag to complain about horoscopes? Third, and a point of most importance, the scopes, though slightly negative were freakin' funny, and finally in conjunction with point three, negativity is SO underrated!!!!

I love my scopes...so I present, to you, the only two I got to write. One for the month of September, the other for the month of October, and hey if any of you like them I will write some special ones just for my blog next month! Yay!

Enjoy....PS to JW only, I love you.



SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood


ARIES 21 MAR-20 APR

Stop with the bread, pies and yes, even the store-bought confections—baking is not your strong suit. While you are quite the go-getter you need to be aware of failure and move on. Try getting some friends. Enlighten them with your witty banter and non-stop storytelling. You will be surprised what having an audience will do for your ego, not to mention your psyche.


TAURUS 21 APR-20 MAY

It’s time to wise up; changing your bedroom walls to a more appealing color won’t kill you. Yes in a sick way you have become attached to it, but once you get started you will be okay. Just think of the doors you could open? Once you change the color, the next step could be chucking the boyfriend and bettering your love life! YIKES, now breathe.


GEMINI 21 MAY-20 JUN

Please stop talking to the strangers at the coffee shop. They don’t appreciate your insights; you are not only boring them, you are frightening them. Instead reflect inwardly, and maybe do something with your upper arms. Have you thought of a new tattoo, representative of course of your intellectual insights and worldly knowledge?


CANCER 21 JUN- 20 JUL

Go ahead, express your love for the metallic jumpsuit seducing you from the storefront window. No one will make fun of you, okay maybe just a tad, but that will make you stronger. And ultimately you will be ready to admit deeper feelings, like your love of reality TV and the fact that your best friend is getting a bit scared of your possessiveness.


LEO 21 JUL-21 AUG

It’s not always about you, while you can be quite endearing there is a limit to your narcissism that even your Mom can’t tolerate. Practice saying stuff like this: “how are you? What can I do for you? Can I please give you a back rub?” Say it with meaning and often. Don’t worry that you’ll go unnoticed, like any true Leo, your king-like stature will rear it’s ugly and yet oh so charming head.


VIRGO 22 AUG-22 SEP

You are not dying. You just have a cough. Okay now that you have a lozenge, know that all the vitamins you take and herbal remedies are warding off all ailments, but also your friends. Those pills are causing you to reek like last weeks leftovers. No worries, your friends can use the phone to obtain your amazing and philosophical advice.


LIBRA 23 SEP-22 OCT

It’s okay to wear white now, Memorial Day has long past and Labor Day is not yet upon us. You look stunning in white, but you know this already, don’t you? Even though that terry-cloth sweat suit does enhance your derriere, you evoke no shame. Bring it on as you revel in your successful purchase.


SCORPIO 23 OCT-22 NOV

Oh when will you learn? Spitefulness and vengeance does not look good on you. Instead use that energy in the bedroom, where we all know you are your absolute best anyway. Once satisfied consider taking up knitting instead of revenge, after all it is the new hip hobby and there are ‘naughty’ patterns sure to tantalize even you.


SAGITTARIUS 23 NOV-20 DEC

Stop with the pull-tabs already, it’s so not sexy. Yes you’re a lucky bird, but think of your image for once. Take another vacation, maybe hit up the Midwest’s biggest garage sale and use your luck in snagging a vintage tin can. Later you can hang with the locals and be your blunt self. They’re going to love you!


CAPRICORN 21 DEC-19 JAN

You need a savory, freshly brewed iced-tea. No, do not gulp it. Slow down, enjoy it! Reflect on your success and the people that helped you get there. Yes, you didn’t do it all by yourself. Your innate ambition was the driving force, but others did help you and it’s time to say thank you. Open up a little, you will not die of expressing an emotion.


AQUARIUS 20 JAN-18 FEB

Your dung sculpture of the dying calf is beautiful, so who cares if art critics scoff at you? You are so uniquely you and you love it! Yes you’ll have to spend a little extra time wiping off the spit of passersby, but it’s worth it. That sculpture isn’t just great art, it’s a representation of your convictions. Keep at it, head off to the farm, as your next inspiration in the way of chicken heads, is calling.

PISCES 19 FEB-20 MAR

Oh you poor, unfortunate soul. Or should I say souls? Pisces it’s time you listen to your strongest self and get your act together! No need to get all sappy and cry now. No don’t write another poem! Step up to the plate, get a job and for goodness sakes, stop wallowing in your sorrows at the local watering hole. People there don’t like you..


OCTOBER HOROSCOPES
By Xena Torchwood

VIRGO
August 23-September 23
Pondering the opposite sex is fun, and for you it’s become a sport! While you are quite intuitive and usually dead-on in your theories there is one thing you’re forgetting, tese things don’t matter during a hot make-out session! It’s time to stop analyzing and just get out there! I suggest you start out slow, put the self-help books down, jump on online and consider cyber-sex (live interactions may be too much for you right now.)

LIBRA
September 24-Octover 23
Oh charming Libra you have so much going for you! Don’t waste all your magnetism on the television and your silly parakeet. It’s time to rekindle your artsy nature. Take a sketch class and chat up the nude model. If not for a possible date, then at least to explore your devious side; make the model feel uncomfortable, say you ‘expected more.’

SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
My goodness you are intense! And oh so hard on yourself. So you screwed up…again. Well know this, no one cares about your latest fashion faux-pas. If anything your attempt in pairing those green crushed velvet leggings with the Mary Janes, circa 1991 was a statement in bravado! Who else but you could get away with looking so fashionably horrid anyway?

SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
Yes you can shake those hips, and whoa that booty too! Your moves and tenacity to keep on is so inspiring. But remain tasteful (exasperated gasp;) and don’t forget about your sciatica. Your body actually can’t bend backwards. Once situated revel in pretending you are J Lo, let your inner wild child come out and dam the chuckles of your neighboring dancers, they’re just jealous.

CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
The other night, after cocktail 17, not only were you looking as good as you felt, but you sang beautifully. Everyone at the karaoke bar loved your rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart, even with your dramatic tantrum at the end. Your boss was quite impressed as well, she thought if you could master those sad moments of the songs then you’d be able to handle the chicken soup account.


AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
Hiding your emotions is fun! People think you’re strong, special, normal. Ha-ha, yes I know you feel scared inside. Open up a little Aquarius, it’s okay to like puppies. Accept the pooches and soon you will be able to talk to your parents, make genuine friends and no longer feel uncomfortable talking to your pharmacist. Wait, talking to your pharmacist will still be weird, after all your prescriptions are rather embarrassing.

PISCES
February 20-March 20
Sometimes I wonder why I even try to guide you Pisces. Deep within you are so well on your way. Only you know how to plant just the right amount of gardenias, not to mention get your money’s worth at the all-you-can-eat buffet. You’ve got in going on! If I could offer you one piece of guidance…don’t cry when the buffet runs out of creamed corned, it makes you look like a loser.

ARIES
March 21-April 20
Wow Aries, way to go! You helped an old lady lift a case of soda. How nice of you, sorry to say though you’re still on the Karma crap list. You will have to do way more good deeds to wipe your slate clean. You were so naughty! Oh well, at least you had fun. Next week your date is a bottle of gin and the mirror. Try not to fall too in love with yourself, look what happened to Dorian Gray.

TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Accepting lavish dinner and shiny baubles is so right up your alley! You always do deserve the best life has to offer! While it’s all fun, be prepared that some suitors will expect something in return. To solve this issue, for the third date, have them over for mac-n-cheese and viola you are off the hook! Oh try and treat them all at the same time, that way you’ll only have to cook once.

GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Whoa Gemini stop freaking people out. One minute you’re jovial, the next seething and strange. It’s cute to you and makes you giggle within, but the rest of us are curious if you may be a little off kilter. Chill and reflect on your comedic side and its effect on those around you. Think about banking on your oddities through a stand-up gig. But in interpersonal relationship, remain to be jovial.

CANCER
June 22-July 22
Breath. Everything will be okay just as long as you put the phone down and not leave your newest acquaintance yet another message! Sorry to say they aren’t as in love with you as you with them. Get a robot kit, the time to take in building it will be good for your psyche, and in the end you’ll have a new friend! Also, time to leave your apartment, I hear your landlord installed a beautiful new gazebo in the courtyard, fresh air will do you good.

LEO
July 23-August 22
Have you ever thought about the car business? Good you literally took that as in you and the car business. It would be a good fit, uh Leo? Your cunning, yet sweet-as-cherry-pie nature is too good to not be used in selling that new fashionable hot-rod. You are such a show-off Leo, who wouldn’t want to throw money at you? Now you just need to stop throwing around your money at those late-night bars you keep frequenting.

Is BO The New Pink?

Long time no blog, yuk, that sounded lame... so I have been busy lately, my life has changed a bit... I’m just barely waiting tables, I’m in rehearsals for Einstein’s Dreams (expect more info. on this in the future), I have a cool new pt job as a tube talker, and I am now a full-time working girl at an architectural/interior design firm. My job is hard to explain, basically my duties range from watering the plants to designing the new skyscraper slated for development in downtown Chicago by late 2006. (I'm thinking a swirling hot pink metallic and silver theme.)

So with this crazy new schedule I am encountering some strangeness, like the hours are wicked weird! I actually now rise at the time that I used to go to bed...it's not like I was partying before either, I was just up all night, playing Literati, watching movies, writing, organizing, dancing for my cat and next thing you know it's the crack of dawn!

Also it seems that I have now encountered a whole new wave of what seems to be the new pink: BO.

Like cupcakes, BO seems to be the hot new trend! It seems to be everywhere I go! And then it dawns on me, it must be me!!!!!! So friends, people, family, loved ones, please tell me if I smell, I will not be offended. I will be ever so grateful and will promise to finally shower. That's all.

Thanks Y'all

More fun blogging later when I have a minute to breathe!!!!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katrina is a bitch.
If my name was Katrina I'd change my name to Kat. (No pun intended, which you'll get once you've read ahead.)

In regard to the bitch, for goodness sakes let these poor people take their pets with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you hear about Snowball? I just did. Police took a small white dog named Snowball from a little boy at the Superdome. The dog wasn't allowed to go with the boy upon evacuation of the dome. When the police took the dog the boy cried "Snowball! Snowball!" until he vomited.

At the time authorities said they didn't know where the boy or his dog ended up. It wasn't with each other though.

Thankfully it looks like Snowball has since been found but has yet to be reunited with the boy.
(The full story is on the MSNBC website.)

The story of Snowball makes ME want to vomit...but what is even worse are now the people that are forced to leave their pets at their homes, where there is no food and fresh water. The pets are basically just being left there to die.

I am so dumbfounded. I could go on about this, however my bitching is pretty annoying, plus I am SUPER tired and am making no sense.

So what I really want to say is PLEASE, if you can, help the little furry victims. Some pet organization's, such the Humane Society have been given permits to search homes and rescue dogs, cats, and even hamsters! These people need help! Check out ways to help by going to any of these websites!


From Reuters
NEW ORLEANS - The promise of a warm meal, cold drink and air-conditioned shelter was not enough to convince George Reed Thursday to hop a military truck out of New Orleans.

Reed, a gap-toothed retiree, wanted to know only one thing from the soldiers trying to persuade him and a few neighbors to evacuate the city, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina last week. “What about my dog?”

Reed, who lives with a pit bull in Bywater, a Bohemian quarter near the center of town, was not alone in his concern. Countless pet owners faced a terrible dilemma as authorities pressed ahead with a forced evacuation of the flooded city.

They could to defy the order and risk forcible removal or even arrest or they could comply, condemning their four-legged friends to an uncertain fate in a city that could be uninhabitable for weeks if not months.

For Reed, the decision was a quick one.

“We’re staying,” he said as he walked back to his home.

'I have no choice'
Adrian Tate, a carpenter who also owns a pit bull, said he knew of other animal lovers who were going to hide from authorities during the evacuation.

“They’ve got pets and they ain’t leaving them behind,” Tate said

Minutes later, Tate boarded a truck out of the city — without his dog.

“I have no choice,” he shouted.

Rescuers who cruised submerged areas of New Orleans by boat have reluctantly left behind countless dogs and cats perched on roofs, hoods of cars and any other available dry surface. Their orders were to pick up human, not animal, cargo.

The reasoning was based on logistics rather than callousness. Many of the temporary shelters that are housing thousands of displaced New Orleans residents throughout the nation prohibit pets.

This hard line has stymied the rescue effort in New Orleans. Would-be rescuers have watched in amazement time and again during the past week as pet owners refused to budge from flooded homes without a dog or cat.

That may change in the coming days as a fledgling effort to locate abandoned and stranded pets builds momentum. Police are giving animal rescue groups permits to search houses for pets.

So far, animal rescue groups have fielded more than 3,500 requests from people looking for lost pets as a result of Katrina, according to the International Fund for Animal Welfare.

The group said Thursday that it had rescued 43 dogs, 41 cats, a snake, a bird, an iguana, a hamster and a 300-pound potbelly pig named Ruty in the New Orleans area in the past two days.

Copyright 2005 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.


If you wish to support animal-related relief efforts in the hurricane zone, visit the following Web sites for information on making a donation and volunteering:

• American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
• American Veterinary Medical Foundation
• Humane Society of the United States
• Katrina Found Pets
• American Humane Association
• LSU School of Veterinary Medicine
• Noah’s Wish
• Petfinder.com: Animal Welfare Disaster Resources
• American Kennel Club

Charming Chi-Town and a Sholene!

Happy August. Is anyone else dreading winter? I dream that it is winter all the time; then cry. I really loathe that season, I need to get to Cali....I don’t think so. But maybe Nawlins? Really I can honestly say there is not one thing about the ice-freakin’ cold that I like. Autumn rocks, but Tundra-death-cold winter? No thank you.

So I haven’t written here in eons. Do I have any fans that feel upset about this? (No Honey, you don’t count. You’re just a kitty and I know you are only logging in to see your beautiful picture! I would do the same.)

My summer has been CRAZY. Chicago is honestly just so awesome this time of year. It’s quite seductive and alluring…the lake, the view, the people,the parks, the boats, the patios, the food and drinks….new favorite cocktail? Vanilla Vodka with Ginger Ale (I have decided to name this drink the Sholene!) Try it, it’s kind of a girly drink, but hells it taste so damn good, who cares! It's like a yummy cream soda.

Okay since the summer has sucked me into to enjoying the beautiful days….I thought, for this post, instead of writing something silly, because really I don’t have the time….I would offer y’all links to some of my favorite websites! Oh Lala! Check em out! They are divine.

Now who has my SPF 45????????? Honey?


Cool Chicago blog-site! This is to inspire you wuss-asses to visit me! J
www.chicagoist.com

My friend’s 80’s site, funny!
www.cruelsummer.net

One of my favoritest photographers ever! This guy’s shit is really good!
www.davidjturner.com

Important animal website! Save the Seagulls!
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer

Perfect Duluth Day The coolest town ever! I went to college here.
www.perfectduluthday.com

One of the best blogs I have ever come across. This girl KNOWS what she is talkin’ about!
http://wanderlusting.typepad.com/chinadoll/

A funny blog. Anyone who is more obsessed with his or her cat than me makes me feel like “I’m okay!”
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2005/06/playing_the_cut.html

My boyfriend’s website. He’s so cool.
www.whitestripes.com

Cool ChicProv!
www.sirensimprov.com/main.html

For all your latest Chicago Theatre news…from some really great writers!
www.performink.com

Who couldn’t love That Girl!?
www.thatgirltv.com

Ladies! Track your menses! (yes I’m getting old cuz suddenly the way my body works is really fascinating to me, which brings me to an interesting thought. There are roughly two times in our lives when we are intrigued with the workings of our bodies, when we are children and when we are old cutie-pies….interesting, uh?
www.mymonthlycycles.com

Name that Movie 2!

Time to play Jolene’s favorite group game once again….Name That Movie!

Okay for those of you that may need further explaining on this (D-dawg), simply read the movie quotes below and if you know which movie they are from, then click on 'comments' and write in the space provided.....the winner gets the coolest prize ever…a kiss from me! Okay and some chocolate too!

Have fun! And Happy 4th!


1. Finding a boy in high school is hard, it’s like finding meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

2. We have lots of things in common, you know soup, snow peas, the outdoors, talking and not talking; we could talk or not talk for hours.

3. Gee Bruno, you always get the best stuff.

4. I would like a nice, mind-altering substance, preferably something that would make my unborn children grow gills.

5. I want my foreskin back, nobody asked me if they could take it, they just took it.

6. I’m a woman! We don’t say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don’t get it, that’s what makes us so fascinating and not a little be scary.

7. Hmmmm he’s right, she tastes like a peach.

8. whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.

9. lactose-intolerant

10. yes. Wait. Ask me again.

Puuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr

This is my Honey. Isn't she GORGEOUS? Thank you for your nods of agreement. Today Honey and are content, but solemn. Two years ago to this exact day Honey and I lost our best friend, Xena.

Read Ahead

Xena was/is a black and white beauty with engaging bluish green eyes and a heart so full of love I could cry thinking about it. On June 10, 2003 I did one of the stupidest things of my life, I brought Xena, an indoor cat, outside to brush her. The fur of my girls has a toll on my allergies and on this day it was bad. I thought she’d be fine. I had done this with Honey a 100 times, a quick brush on the front steps and poof, I have a prettier, less furry cat. Well I had never done this with Xena and she was wigged out. A neighbor came up the steps and freaked Xena out, she squirmed and squirmed, and before I knew it she was out of my grip. I still wonder if I purposely let her go, or if she just got out of my grip on her own. I have gone over this split second so many times. I think I might have thought she would run under the nearby bush, I never thought she’d run away. Once out of my grip she just darted in the direction she was facing, straight down the sidewalk, pass the postman who said, “man I have never seen a cat run so fast.” I was screaming. “STOP HER!” Her body was crouched so close to the ground. She ran through a yard and to the back of a house, it was when she, in her own acrobatically perfect and beautiful way, jumped a fence that I lost her out of my sight never to see her ever again.

When I was a little girl I got my first cat, Ginger, (Yes my porn first name is Ginger; the whole name is Ginger Torchwood, nice, huh?) Ginger was very delicate and very pretty. She was a Himalayan Seal Point; she only liked me. She was shy and timid and skittish. When I had the Chicken Pox she slept at my feet the entire week of the pox. Ginger had a short life battling feline leukemia. My mother and I had to put her to sleep. I still remember the cream-colored sweater and green jacket my Mom bought me right after.

In college I lived with two cats that were being raised by two women, my roommates, not qualified to be feline mothers (Lord help us if they have children today.) These cats and I had an understanding, mine was: I don’t like you and will swat your ass when I find you on the kitchen counter; theirs was, we don’t like and we'll pee on your clothes. After this experience I vowed to never be a cat Mom. Three years later my new roommate brought home a kitten, against my wishes. Thank God the kitten was cute, otherwise I would have protested. We named her Coco Chanel, but called her Cha-ney-ney. Poor Cha-ney-ney grew up to be a retard.

In 1997, months after parting ways with that roommate and Cha-ney-ney, I realized I did want to be a cat Mom and that’s when Xena came into my world. I rescued Xena from a shelter in St. Paul MN, the shelter director almost didn’t let me have her as she was her favorite kitty, (if that woman knew what has since happened, I’m sure she’d have my head.) The first two weeks of having Xena, she slept in my closet. She was freaked out. I gave her space and time. Eventually she started coming out at night to join me in bed. She snuggled up next to me and purred, I suspected that she was saying Thank you. Within the month Xena and I were tight and understood that we were each other’s one and only. I know that sounds corny, but in all honesty I can tell you that every time I looked at her, I thought “I have given her a better life” and my heart swelled knowing she was so happy. She gave me kisses and snuggles and always sat on my lap.

A few years later my Grandpa, a huge cat fanatic, passed away, leaving behind my ever so cute Grandma and his beloved Honey. My Grandma asked me if I’d be willing to take Honey into my home, as she was crying constantly, getting under her feet and biting her butt. Honey adores attention. After months of hemming and hawing on the issue, Xena and I finally decided to take her. Poor Honey was always second fiddle to Xena. We took care of her, but she knew that Xena was the Queen Bee. Soon though the two were the absolute best of friends. Xena, being a very clean and tidy cat, groomed the scruffy Honey. Although they both had their own beds, rarely would they be separated. Often they were crunched in one bed together, lezzing out. Again my heart swelled. Every time I left and returned home Xena was on my lap immediately, it was very funny. She insisted on sitting on my lap for hours while I was working on the computer, or at the television. She was clued to me the majority of the time. I was always so proud of my accomplishment with her. I knew she was very timid at first, and I worked with her that first month to have her gain my trust and she did, I felt really happy about that.

The moment I lost Xena, I thought I would never have children. I couldn’t imagine what Mothers do when their babies go missing. How horrid. It’s the not knowing that is so tragic. Once I lost Xena over the fence, I called my Mother immediately, all I could think was “Moms fix everything, My Mom will fix this.” I was uncontrollable. She didn’t know what to do. I was astonished and angry. I demanded she come over and find my cat, to shell out money to some magical-ness to get her back, to do something. She came over and looked with me. We even brought Honey with us in a carrier, hoping Xena would smell her scent and come out of her hiding spot. I put up signs. I stayed up all night.

For the rest of that Summer I looked for her. In total I posted 750 signs. When it stormed I reposted my signs. I told friends if they wanted to see me then they’d better put their walking shoes on as the only way they could spend time with me was to look for my cat. I met so many neighbors, so many, I was becoming a celebrity….people who’d meet me on the street would say, “oh you are the one who lost her cat.” I’d hear stories how people would walk with stray cats back to their homes only to realize that the cat they found looked nothing like the picture….another story was a woman who captured a cat in her car and drove it to my apartment, but it was the wrong cat and now the woman was screwed. “Oh God,” she said, “I stole someone’s cat.” I looked at so many cats… people just grabbed sick or lost kitties and brought them in their homes, fed them and hoped it was my girl. While this sentiment was overwhelming in the most positive of ways and gave me much faith in my fellow humans.....I couldn't help but think how strange it is that most of us will pick up stray, sick felines and canines, but look the other way when it comes to a human being.

Since my phone numbers were posted on the signs, I also received a plethora of phone calls about Xena. In general most calls were from kind people, but not always. I received a call from a man telling me that if I wanted to see my cat alive I’d better meet him at 2:00 in the morning. Another call was a man telling me that his friends have my cat and they were torching her, he told me he wouldn’t tell me where she was because he didn’t think I really cared about my cat. And another call was a woman telling me that the Lord is watching over us and she was going to pray for me. She was a slight nut, but I appreciated her sentiment, thanked her and assured her that I had already lit a million candles at the Basilica in honor of Xena. And that is not a lie. I would light candles every three days and go to church, I even talked to a priest about it. He told me that the best thing I could do is be there for Honey. He made me realize that since I had lost Xena I had been ignoring Honey, only acknowledging her to feed her. But I wouldn’t pet her or let her get near me. The Priest reminded me that she too was missing Xena and needed to be told it was okay. I felt so ashamed and I felt like Honey was really angry with me. That day we made up and snuggled.

The entire experience was wicked. I kept trying to find meaning in it and tried to gain true understanding from people. Most everyone didn’t get it. They had little sympathy, but were always polite and did their best to help. It was hard explaining how I felt. I made friends with so many strangers that would help me look for Xena. I kept wondering why. I even would try and make a difference in their life. One fellow I made friends with told me how lonely he was. I started inviting him everywhere and tried to get him a girlfriend, eventually he went back to being a hermit. Soon though I made one of my very best friends, whom I believe is the reason for why this happened. I had an acquaintance in the neighborhood that had cat-sat for me once and when she saw the signs she called me to help. She was the first Peron that truly understood, she would just talk to me in great detail about everything. She also was the first person who pushed me to move forward and to go to a party. Today that girl and I are very close. I adore her.

By August I was at my wit’s end. I was irate that 750 signs turned up no information. I did something crazy, I turned to a pet psychic. Now I’m not saying I completely believe this….who really knows…as I said I was at my wit’s end, I was psycho for answers….what the psychic told me was sad. She said that Xena was afraid of the sky and she didn’t understand why I had her outside. She was afraid of the sky!!! She said that Xena sat under a deck for five days and finally came out at night for food, only to be killed instantly by something big. She didn’t know if it was a dog, or a car, she said it wasn’t human. She told me that Xena’s spirit had been with me the whole time and that it was really hard for her to see me leave to look for her when she was there the whole time. Xena wanted me to acknowledge her. The psychic told me that Honey had seen her spirit and was wigged out. The funny thing is the day that had supposedly happened, I kid not, Honey was acting really strange, as if something were there. I then proceeded to talk to Xena, I begged her to forgive, and I was uncontrollable. Sobbing. No one would ever know. I kept this pretty well hidden, as it does seem a little nutty.

Well if you read this far, thank you. That is the story of Xena. Now please go give your own pet a huge hug and kiss. Miss Honey and I are going to snuggle a bit. We have become quite close, funny thing though, although we snuggle often, she won’t ever sleep or jump on my lap, it’s like she still knows, my lap is Xena’s spot.

Summertime!

Hey all! Happy belated Memorial Day and with that I get to finally use my new white purse....woo-hoo!

Today I was walking down the street and I saw a cute T-shirt that reminded me of myself….it was a picture of a cartoony girl and underneath her head was the phrase, “Cute But Psycho.” I immediately related. And if I were not me, but was my friend I would have bought that T-shirt for myself, as a present.

Well actually no I wouldn’t have because if I really knew me I’d know that I’d take it to heart and be offended and I wouldn’t want to offend myself. Unless of course I was aware that my hormones were okay on the particular day, then I’d give it to myself because I’d know that I would laugh my ass off to receive such a funny T-shirt…..however I’m not sure if it would be a frivolous purchase as I’m not sure my friend would wear the T-shirt. It is awfully silly and T-‘s with little cutesy phrases bug the hell out of me. Unless if they are pictures of cats with cute phrases like “I’m not a waitress.” Ha-ha because I AM a waitress! Okay I’m going to go pop my meds and get this blog back on track!

BACK ON TRACK
YAY! Okay everyone, if you did not know this already, June is ADOPT-A-CAT Month!!!!!!!! With the onset of horny cats everywhere and the nicer weather, stray kitties are coming out of the woodwork and they need your love and support and attention! If you do not have a feline, I urge you to think about it and if it seems like you are ready for the responsibility, and it is a responsibility, then please go to your local shelter and find a feline that suits your personality.

Trust me when I tell you your heart will feel all happy every time your cat gives you a loving lick on your armpit and jumps up on your lap for an afternoon snuggle. Cats have the rep for being aloof and in control, but they are indeed smart and when it comes down to it they know that if it wasn’t for their perfect human companion their life could possibly be shit. They will be forever grateful and you will have a new loving family member, but I must stress again, THIS IS A RESPONSIBILITY. Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m looking at the kitties at my local PetSmart and the number one reason these cats are given up by their owners is “New apartment doesn’t allow cat.”
UM HELLO then Do NOT live there! I’m constantly floored by how people seem to treat animals as disposable objects…. These little bugger-boos think we are their Gods and Goddess, if we take on that role, (this happens whether we like it or not) then we MUST step up to the plate and keep our word to these innocent beings.

Okay I’m done with my rant. Thank you for listening! For more info on June’s Adopt-a Cat-Month please check out the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal) website www.aspca.org

One more thing, if you’re not a cat person, don’t forget that there are the pooches yearning for love as well. Damn if I were president, aside from stopping the war and making everyone make-out with each other all the time, I would make it mandatory that everyone must house one domesticated animal…okay no that wouldn’t be right….but I would spend all our tax money on the environment, animals, old people (I have a huge weakness for old people) research for every disease that is hurting someone and their family, Education (major), and, of course, decorating the White House.
God I sound like a frickin’ hippy….happy D-dawg?

ON THE THEATRE FRONT….and other news…
On the theatre/acting front, I have been failing miserably…. But keeping my chin up! I have been on several auditions and while I did receive a callback for the part of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I have yet to actually get cast in anything. Sad! Normally I would have gotten something by now…..but competition is steep! The talent here is amazing! The other day I went to this awesome audition for an all women’s improv troupe and wow these women RAWK! I was in awe of being in their company…. While I didn’t get one of the spots available I hope to someday! Thankfully seeing this talent only inspires me to keep auditioning and to improve my craft.

I’m getting ready for another beautiful summer in Chi-town… aside from taking classes at Improv Olympic, I’m going to seek out another area of interest and take a class….. I’m thinking Spanish, jewelry making or belly-dancing! Aside from that I will be serving the Fish and Chips all summer long, stop on by! Also I hope to learn how to sail, courtesy of a new friend who has a kick-ass sailboat down on the harbor right by my apartment…. I was there the other day and wow, Chicago is just really beautiful…. People ask me often how I like Chicago and I never really seem to have anything great to say… not that I hate it, but it’s not home. It’s not full of my cute family and ultra stylish and oh so generous and loving girlfriends….. so I have been prone to not love it, but if I step back and just look at the city and breath in the air and energy of it all, it’s really something great! If you haven’t spent much time here, then I suggest you come for a visit…..I know the EP Suites certainly does have some availability this summer!

Miss Honey seems to be doing well, although she has been very temperamental lately…I suspect she too is aware of the upcoming dreaded day, June 10….this marks the second year that we are without our beloved Xena. I hate June 10. Two years ago I awoke with psycho allergies (cats will cause this sometimes) and I realized I was out of litter so I drove in the morning to get some litter and I remember I was at a stoplight and I saw a sign on the post: Lost pug. And although I had seen this sign 100 times before it was this particular day I really thought about it…I though how horrible that would be to lose a pet and how lucky I was to have my girls in tact, safe…

Fast forward 1hour and 30 minutes later and Xena was gone in a flash. My body went into dry-heaves, I freaked out. I remember thinking “I will never have children.” I can’t imagine what mothers of missing children must do when their baby goes missing. Obviously my kitty is different than a child, but the emotions of losing Xena were so intense, (I mean hello I still cry about it today) that I just couldn’t imagine losing something that I birthed…. Anyway that summer was a weird one…. I produced my first play, an accomplishment I’m so very proud of, and yet I never really enjoyed any of it, cuz every free moment I had I was combing the neighbor and posting signs …..I must have posted close to 750 signs.
(OH here’s a little info for anyone who loses a pet, Kinko’s will honor free copies for lost dog and cat signs, but you have to ask for it.)

BRINGING IT BACK UP!
Okay I’m going to bring this back to something a little more chipper!

This summer also marks two other silly things that I’m psyched about, the release of the fifth White Stripes album. Jack White, I love you. And, in July, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory will be in theatres! When I first heard there was going to be a remake of this treasured film I was angry. Why touch such a gem? Why not just develop something new? But then I saw the trailer on Mac-QuickTime (Check it out if you haven’t already) and damn! I’m psyched! Johnny Depp is too cool! I know he’s a weird creepy actor, but I just adore him…… he’s soooo attractive and crazy and good, and engaging….. and he looks just soooo cool in this flick!

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While writing this blog I decide to go to the White Stripes website to get further details of the upcoming album and what I came upon is HORRID. Upsetting, TERRIBLE, life-altering…..I know now I will forever grow into a hermit with 12 cats. Yesterday, in Brazil, my boyfriend, and the love of my life, Jack White, Gulp, got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Condolences, flowers and words of sorrow can be sent to the manager of the EP Suites.)

Today I was going to post a movie quote quiz along with my blog, but alas I cannot. I must end this to go bury myself back in my bed and cry at the loss of Mr. White and dream of the day that he actually meets me and dumps the perfect woman that stole his heart to be with me, instead forever and ever.

Mom's are cool

This is an article I wrote about Moms' zany advice...it was for a magazine in Florida. It was never published because the editor-in-chief hated it, but I liked it and so did the assignment editor! So here it is for your viewing pleasure!


Mom’s Advice
By Jolene

When I was a young girl I remember my mother was my own personal hair stylist. She brushed my hair, curled my bangs and gave me the much-dreaded yearly perm. Each time she hit a snarl or wound a permanent rod tight to my scalp I remember her loving advice, ‘beauty must suffer.’ And to this day, as I make another appointment for a brow or bikini wax, I remind myself beauty must suffer. The funny thing is although this advice stuck with me, my mom thinks I’m nuts for allowing scalding hot wax anywhere near my body. But the advice was embedded in me as truth. And this got me thinking, all moms have wacky advice, most of which they never think about when they are doling it out and yet children are impressionable. God only knows how many kids have actually tried to grow potatoes with the dirt they’ve scraped out from behind their ears. Think how literal Mom’s advice can be taken, and how long it stays with you.
Imagine this scene: it’s a busy emergency room, you’re rushed in for a freak accident, there’s a pointy stick lodged in your thigh. You’re screaming in pain, you’re about to pass out, but, luckily, you’re conscious just enough to make certain no one sees that, gulp, you’re wearing yesterday’s underwear! And to make matters worse, they’re not only dirty, but they’re from last season as well. Well if you’re found out, you’re never going to get medical attention now, but hey that’s okay because with your face stuck in such an ugly contorted position no doctor would really want to help you anyway.
Mom always did say, "don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position." Which, of course was then preceded with you trying to make this happen; I swear today I can some grotesquely impressive stunts with my eyes all because mom told me not to.
There goes mom with the appearance advice again. In research however I found that many moms have similar advice. One friend’s mom told her to never leave the house without putting lipstick on because you never know who you might see. Good thing, as I would hate to see my friend’s naked lips. I don’t think I’d recognize her with out her signature cherry blossom pout. Another mom told her son that he should always keep his nails clean and trim because women will look at his hands to make certain they are kept up. Today not only does he have perfectly pretty hands, but a plethora of girlfriends and a slight addiction to nail trimming tools as well. Of course moms all around wouldn’t think a thing about his obsessive nature towards manicures, they would be happy with his booming love life, because moms really just want you to find someone nice.
Or rich, as is the case of two other women I know. Both are in happy relationships, but had they listened to their moms they would be in love and loaded. I guess it’s not just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as it is to fall in love with a poor one.
Before love though, there’s the advice on pregnancy and birth control. When my friend Kristin left for college her mother gave her this piece of advice, “champagne will get you pregnant.” To this day poor Kristin is petrified of champagne, or anything clear and bubbly for that matter, put a lemony-lime soda in front of her and she’ll grab her abdomen and run screaming.
In listening to the stories people had about their mom’s advice, and how they were certain to follow it, I couldn’t help but want to poke fun. But then I remembered, if I don’t have anything nice to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all.

Thirty-One and Fabulous

Wow! What a Birthday! On April 27th I rang in another year… and the day turned out to be delightful. What made it so delightful is that it just came on like any other day… now for those of you that really know me, you know how I am about Birthdays…I’m a planner and will tell people months in advance, I will go on and on, I will announce to all around that “Today is my Birthday.” And this year that Birthday drama calmed down to a notch of about a five… This was the first Birthday in eons that I didn’t have a ‘Birthday Outfit,’ didn’t have Birthday plans, didn’t stress about not having Birthday plans, didn’t go out for a Birthday dinner, but instead ate a mini frozen pizza and didn’t cry because I was eating frozen pizza, damn I didn’t cry at all!

So what did I do? I had some coffee, got a manicure, squeezed Honey and then my friend Katy and I went to this fabulous show, part of the 2005 Chicago Improv Festival. We saw Sirens, an all women improv troupe, and they RAWKED! Check them out: www.sirensimprov.com. Then came the headliner Mo Collins of Mad TV fame, (yes Stuart’s Mother.) Mo did a one-woman show, Mo Vs. Mo. And oh my God, she’s awesome! She’s 39 and looks like she’s 25 and is so talented and funny, I was in awe…

And to top it all off on our walk home I fell in love. I didn’t catch her name, but wow was she cute! Super happy, lovable and oh so furry! This darling was the product of a love affair between a Pug and a Beagle, they call her a Pugle. Isn’t that the cutest!? I had never heard of such a thing, but Hello, new favorite dog! I can’t wait to get a Pugle of my own and call her Chicken.

Thank you to all of you for your B-day wishes, calls, cards and gifts. You people Rawk.

My Twitch is My Bitch

Thank you to all THREE of you, wait TWO actually, that participated in my movie quiz. Wowee either I'm a loser and no one reads my blog, or I'm super keen on the movie quotes that I just plain stumped everyone! Yeah, for my ego, I'm going with the second explanation.

So as I type this my lower right lid is twitchin' like a bitchin'.....
It's been going on now for about five days. That, combined with my head trauma, intense headaches, I'm convinced I have something deadly...a brain tumor, nerve damage, lung cancer, a sprained ankle? I AM getting old. So I did a web search for lower lid twitchin' to find out what disease I have and the majority of the info. I found says a twitch is from high caffeine intake, stress and lack of sleep... so I'm thinking which is it? I sleep like my fuzzy, lovey cat, you know peaceful and super cute? I'm no more stressed that normal and I drink coffee like a hot gay man does tricks.... hmm I just made up that little analogy, it doesn’t really jive...Basically I drink at least one major fav coffee from the Bou, or The Bucks a day and I make a pot of coffee a day too, and my other liquid intake is sometimes straight up Coke...and then there's my bitch chocolate.... anyway the web suggested going off of all caffeine intake for about two weeks.... so, drum roll please? I have decided to befriend my twitch.

OH MY GOD I AM getting old. I just wrote a whole paragraph about my health.

Well in other news...I interviewed for an editor's job for three magazine's based in women's fashion and beauty.... right up my alley! While the interview seemed to go really well I don’t think I will get an offer because I had a question about scheduling... the hours are 8:30-6, no exceptions, EVER, period. Well I asked, in the event I do a play, that if, once in a blue moon, I need to leave early was it okay to forgo lunch to skip out early and the interviewer was like "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

So my thought is, is it too much too ask for a little understanding? Well It's okay because while the job sounds pretty the word on the street is not so good, and also it's Tuesday at 1:00pm and I'm still in my PJ's contemplating if I should put on my walking shows for a quick jaunt around the city, or my rollerblades to go down by the lake, read magazines and stare at the buggers-boos at the dog park...decisions, decisions.....

Honey says MEOW