Ollie, Oscar's Cheap Brother

Last night was Oscar night and Tinsel Town was in rare form with big egos and even bigger taffeta prom dresses. All and all I found the entire event boring, and yet I watched the whole damn thing…. And now I offer my more detailed thoughts for those of you that have asked, “What did you think, Jolene?”

Well I think I just saw the poor man’s Oscar show.
What happened to the glamour?
What happened to the class?

It all started with Chris Rock’s boring stand-up bit that just oozed mediocre, easy and self-absorbed. Note to Mr. Rock: apparently it’s your thing to shout, you must like the sound of your own voice very much, but we can hear you!

While I’m handing out advice, here’s some for the Oscar camera crew: Just because Chris Rock says the word 'black' does not mean you must pan on the faces of all four black people that attended the event last night. I can only imagine what it’s like in the control room at the Oscars: “Rock just said ‘black’, quick shoot over to Morgan Freeman, good now to Halle! Get Oprah get Oprah!” Nice….”

Billy Crystal has made Oscar glittery and brilliant with his amazing dance and song numbers; What did Chris do? He shouted and wasted everyone’s time. He made jokes that only added to the cheapness of the night, i.e. “Everyone will enjoy these next four presenters Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek." Classy.

Speaking of, did anyone notice the tension between these two Latina Mamas? I was certain that if the two of them had to speak their broken English a minute longer, Salma was going to knock Penelope on the ground. All they needed was Jenny from the Block to provide the mud for their catfight.

But back to Oscar-Light, why oh why bring out the nominees on the stage, or why go into the audience to present awards? Rock’s only saving grace of the night was calling Oscar out on that bull-crap move, “Next year they’ll be handing out Oscars in the parking lot, you can get an Oscar and a McFlurry to go…” So true! I mean they would not have dared had the best actor or actress nominees stand up there together waiting…and then looking so sad and foolish when their name wasn’t called. Tacky!

And then there was the fashion, or lack thereof! Did anyone notice if they were taking prom pictures upon entering the theatre?

I thought everyone looked washed out and tired.... the only woman that looked stunning was Beyonce and wow when did she learn French? Her performances were SO good! She looked so beautiful and glam, the only bad thing that I could possibly say about Beyonce is that at one moment, during her duet with Josh Groban, her hair sort of resembled yarn.

Everyone else needed jewelry and bronzer. And to let their hair down! Why have all this hair if only to twist into to a knot in the back of your head? Hi Renee I’m talking to you, oh and girl eat a steak, please.

One woman that knows how to wear her hair extensions is Miss. Fashion-Icon Halle Berry. But um, Hal it's time to leave the one strap, chiffon numbers alone already! Seriously it’s like she wears a version of the same dress all the time! Yes she looks good, but it’s become so basic, so predictable, who cares? And actually that chiffon on her right boob was pillowy next to the other one, it made her left boob look insey-weensey. Oh Halle, if you're reading this no need to get upset and drink a bunch, you'll probably just end up doing another hit and run and that's not good.... Kate Winslet can join the club on the roster of predictability, sure she looked pretty, but I wouldn’t look twice at her…unless of course if she was African American and Rock said the word black again. Oh and what was with the color blue? Hello 1989!

What's with fat Julia Roberts? Yes I know she squeezed out satan’s spawn (well come on, they're babies of Julia!) but this is Hollywood! Get svelte already! And again, pasty white, lacking jewels, knotty hair, and chunky arms to boot! Okay it seems I really dislike this woman…Well look at her behavior! Clint gets the award for best director and this ridiculous woman, who is so obviously freaking out that she’s going to now be out of the spotlight, does this whole lipstick thing with him just to show us how funny and adorable and great she is? What? Julia it’s NOT your moment, get out of the camera and get your fat arms to the gym. Remember she did the same thing to Denzel a few years back? But instead of wiping off her lipstick she just straddled him? Nice.

Okay I’ll say something kind, Kirsten Dunst looked great! Really. She usually looks like a smelly hippy, but she cleaned up well last night.

Everyone is in awe about Hillary Swank and I am torn. She is beautiful and her attitude seems very cool. That dress was really gorgeous and yet really ugly at the same time. Her breasts looked old and saggy in it. But her back looked like a million bucks. I’m glad she won though, and I’m glad Jamie Fox won too, both seemed quite humbled and it seemed like Oscar actually did something right last night. But poor Chad Lowe.

Of course I can’t forget about the men….oh Sean Penn I am so sorry that a side affect of playing a retard in a movie has now actually made you a retard. That’s too bad.

Mr. Banderas, there’s this invention, it came out decades ago, it’s called shampoo. Did anyone else think that song was so out of place and embarrassingly horrible? I can’t believe it won! I guess Oscar felt the need to placate to the Latinos this year. "If we get them with a bullshit song, then we won;t have to give JLo a best actress nod next year!"

Okay why do these skits with a real actor and a cartoon? We all know cartoons and humans can’t really talk to each other. And the only actor willing enough to do this embarrassing shtick is Remington Steele, I mean Pierce Bronson. Um you sounded like hell, your career can’t be that bad that bronchitis or not you’ll still hang out with a snippy cartoon!

Poor Leonardo DeCrap-io, he had to sit next to that Victoria’s Secret Sheet Set all night, I bet he was getting sleepy. And Mr. Depp, oh you’re so weird and eccentric and yet I love you!

All and all Oscar could have done better. Why not have Oprah host? I mean there is no point of her being there anyway, but if she’s hosting she won’t look so out of place. And she’s got some class, right? She could have worked that and the evening would not have come off so cheaply… but I guess it’s not up to me, after all I am still wearing yesterday’s pajamas and it’s 5:45 in the evening! So who am I to talk really? But before I go I will leave you with this one last thought, the true disgrace of Oscar, and maybe I just missed it, but I don’t think so. During the “In Memory” Spiel, why did Oscar forget to mention Johnny Carson?