Wow those Oscars were BORE-RING! Must every actress be so beautiful and perfect that there is no discerning one from the other? Um huge, fish tail dresses were all the rage! Boring… Cate Blanchett you may have left
Oscarless, but you remain to always be a true original, always beautiful, always artistic, and always smashing.
Diablo Cody, on the other hand; you looked like a cheap whore, but I applaud you for staying true to your roots rather than getting Oscar-fied.
Wait, she kind of looks like someone I know… uh-ho.
Can anyone tell me why Cody’s
Juno was even the indie Oscar cutie in the first place? And why the praise for Ellen Page? She acts like a one-dimensional 40-year-old. I really don't get Juno. It was cute, I did enjoy it, but was it original and worthy of Oscar buzz? No.
For a fun, original movie, the screenwriter that I really think should have won is Nancy Oliver for
Lars and the Real Girl. If you haven’t seen it, maybe because you were too busy waiting in line for Juno, then I’m telling you when it finally hits the rental shelves, rent it! It’s quirky, poignant, funny, and full of great performances, especially by one of my wonderful, boyfriends, Ryan Gosling in the title role of Lars! I Love, Love, Love this movie!
Another wonderful movie that got shunned by Oscar is Julian Schnabel’s
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
I know I have mentioned this movie before, but for those that may not remember, this is adapted from a memoir by Jean-Dominique Bauby, the editor of French Elle, who, at the age 43 suffered a stroke that left him paralyzed with only the ability to move one eyelid. I know it sounds depressing, but when you put artist Schnabel behind the project, I’m telling you, you will not be bored or feeling too blue. It’s moving, yes, but also visually compelling and really gives you the sense of Bauby’s horrible fate through beautiful imagery and a look into Bauby’s imagination and memories.
Speaking of visual… Back to the glitz and the gowns for just a minute.
Trainwreck, oops, Tilda, good job on your fantastic part in
Michael Clayton, sparkling little fun personality you have there, but dear me how you made the media weep when you won. For your hair, your face, and oh dear goodness me, that dress alone do not make gossip mag cover page material.
Like with many of the evening’s speeches, I simply had to turn my head. Deer in headlights accepted their awards, while nervous actors presented, except Ms. Blanchett of course: have I mentioned she’s perfect? The night was indeed filled with many huhs? Like why did the producers not feel the need to clean up what ever was on the floor? Don’t they know who these people are!? Why does Calista like old, angry farts? How does crap, like the Bourne movies get nods, let alone wins?
How is it that Heidi Klum always looks so phenomenal that the question of why she is even there is not a question?
I’d be curious to hear thoughts on
Atonement,
There Will Be Blood, and
No Country For Old Men. Of course, here are mine! Let me preface by saying, shame on me, I haven’t yet seen
There Will Be Blood, and it’s both of my boyfriends’ movie! Paul Thomas Anderson wrote and directed it, while my other boyfriend Daniel starred in it… delicious. It’s the one movie I couldn’t get to in time, but I have seen the trailer numerous times, and saw the Charlie Rose interview with Anderson and Lewis. I was really rooting for these guys to win!
I am actually surprised There Will Be Blood and Anderson were DA-NIED! I say this because the Cohen brothers just don’t seem so deserving to me. Okay first, when you win that gold statue freak the hell out like Marion Cotillard or the absolute adorable
Once Wonder Twins. Don’t stand up there like you not only expected to win, but you also expect past wins, futures wins, and wins that aren't even in your category. Like I can see that one real fuzzy-haired Cohen throwing a mean tantrum for not winning the 2008 Figure Skating World Cup Champions. On the flip side, if they were filming this Henry Kissinger film at MSP, then they are just weird enough to get away with their arrogant eccentricity, I suppose…
Now second, was the movie really that great? Um did anyone else think that maybe cowboy Brolin should have just packed up his cute wife, that stash of cash, and move to Mexico PRONTO? Why stick around? Why go back with the aqua? If he hadn’t gone back with the aqua he would have been that much better off. Maybe it’s a lesson in stupid cowboys? Anyhow, sexy Chigurh was worth the chase! Well Cowboy Brolin isn’t too bad on the eyes either… All and all I just think a movie with a powerful performance by my Daniel, in a movie about oil, is way more prolific for receiving top honors than some cowboy flick. Am I wrong? Oh and can someone tell me why Woody from Cheers was there?
Okay I will stop the cowboy bashing and move on to a little story about tragic love…. Aaah
Atonement. Where do I begin? Let’s see, first my instant gut reaction when the movie was over was that of absolute livid anger… no not directed at pretty Kiera, okay yes a little at that ugly, snotty little girl, but really my anger was for the RUDEST, most selfish woman sitting next to me; a woman I have named Clueless Blond Bitch.
Okay it’s that time in the post where we are going to have a lesson in movie-going etiquette.
Rule #1
Shut your pie-hole, only open to occasionally chew popcorn, twizzlers, and chocolate SOFTLY. All right you can also enjoy a healthy snack softly as well, but know that most people will hate you for being so healthy and perfect.
Rule #2
Turn off the cell phone—the whole phone, not just the ringer. Your bright cell phone screen on for texting a friend is just as distracting as any noise that phone will make.
Rule #3
Leave all children at home, unless you are seeing a PG rated flick. Period. Kids under 13 do not belong in teen or adult rated films. They will hate you, be bored, and cause noise that will be upsetting to other patrons.
Rule #4
When setting up your movie-viewing station, try and leave the seat next to you open for others if you’re noticing the theater is getting full up!
Rule #5 (this is where things start getting good)
If you are late to a movie, anywhere from 1 to 15 minutes, and it’s fairly obvious the movie is full up, sit at the closest possible available seat. Yes, your seat will be crap, but that is what you get for being late, idiot.
Rule #6 (And this is why I loath Clueless Blond Bitch)
If a 7:20 movie has begun, and you arrive at 8:45 do NOT dare decide to go to that screening; for one you will be incredibly disruptive to people that are engrossed in a movie that is well into its storyline; and, secondly, you don’t deserve to see a movie if you are not willing to see it from the beginning.
Now if you decide you are the only person who is worth anything and you are going to basically crash the movie, then here’s another don’t: Don’t walk up the stairs of a stadium theater, spy a seat, 14 seats a way, and proceed to walk in the aisle, all the while saying ‘Excuse me, excuse me, oh sorry! Excuse me! Sorry, ha excuse me!’
This is what CBB-yup that’s Clueless Blond Bitch—did! Now you’d think the drama was over, except the seat she spied was next to me, and full of two heavy winter coats from the gentleman on the other side of the seat (I call him Candy, because he had like 12 bags of candy). Now, aside from the coats; my purse, a bag of popcorn, and Candy's shopping bag also blocked the seat. CBB, true to her name, cluelessly barged through and jovially asked, ‘Is this seat taken?’
Mind you, on the big screen, our young, strappingly good-looking hero has just been showcased in the five-minute film shot on Dunkirk beach. So you can imagine I am shocked, and soon livid.
Candy angrily moves his belongings while CBB squats her bum into the heads of the people in front and her idiot stick figure is a vision of selfishness to those behind.
You’d think that drama would be over, but nope, CBB then proceeded to chomp chomp chomp her popcorn in my ear throughout the rest of this heavy, sad, and moving film. Chomp, chomp, chomp—oblivious to anyone but her own self! I was livid. Turns out Candy was livid too and when those credits rolled, instead of Candy and I having a deep, inward feeling of ‘wow, that was some movie’, we both began to berate CBB, who remained clueless.
Now a word about paying the ticket vs. sneaking in, and the theater’s role in the situation: Candy was certain she snuck in, which he believed to be the real issue; I said whether CBB paid or not, you don’t disrupt patrons that are an hour and 45 minutes into a film. CBB was astonished we’d have a problem with her rude behavior. Disgusted Candy and I exited with our movie partners leaving CBB in the dust, maybe, hopefully a little less clueless. But the question remained: did CBB sneak in or pay? Well I spoke to the ticket sellers later and stupidly they sold this woman a ticket. I said, “So you’re telling me, one hour and 45 minutes into a movie, a movie that was nearly sold out, you sold a ticket and didn’t think that it may be disruptive to other patrons?”
‘Yes, it’s money we can’t turn her away’ was the 20-year-old ticket sellers' sad, pitiful response.
So instead of learning about the dangers of snotty, precocious children, I learned about snotty, selfish moviegoers, and the fact that theaters are all out for a dollar—yes, I know, duh! But still that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be writing a letter to that theater!
Which incidentally means this post has come to a close; I’m going to speak my peace! Happy movie going!
It's Yakov Smirnoff in a Cosby sweater! What a country!
